


In this bed of snowflakes we lie

by MermaidsandMermen (SophiaSoames)



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: #skamchristmas17, Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Bedsharing, CHAPTER 25 is BASICALLY PWOP SO CAN BE SKIPPED IF IT IS NOT YOUR THING., CHAPTER 25 is EXPLICIT INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE, Christmas Fluff, Disney References, Dorm Living, Even Bech Næsheim is Extra, Family Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Furries, Hand Jobs, Longing, M/M, Merry Christmas, Obsessive Behavior, Oral Sex, Parents, Pining, Shower Sex, University, Verse Evak, awesome beds, hairpulling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-09 03:10:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 49,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12878949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaSoames/pseuds/MermaidsandMermen
Summary: The Christmas fic challenge oneshot, for #skamchristmas17, that turned into a monster. See? I can't even follow my own prompts! So follow Isak and Even in this University Dorm life AU, full of snowflakes, fluffy pillows, and people who are nothing like they seem on the outside. Because people keep secrets. Pretend to be people they are not. And secrets will wear you down if you don't let them out to air once in a while.I am keeping this smut free for now, but hey who am I kidding. There will be smut eventually and I will tag it appropriately when the time comes.So, welcome to this years advent calendar fic. Nope, I didn't expect to write that either. But here we go. 24 small chapters of love and fluff and being kind.Massive thank you and shout out to the amazing @elli_skam on Instagram who has let me use her illustrations to add to this fic. I hope you enjoy what I created with your art as an inspiration.Tweet me @sophiasoames or Insta @sophiasoames. Be nice, be kind, Always. x





	1. ONE

ONE

Isak counts himself as lucky, having ended up in the Dorm 212:A. Very lucky. He was well aware how easily fate could have placed him in another dorm on the campus, one of those party dorms full of bitchy girls and sporty types with opinions and attitudes and, well, let’s just say he thanks his lucky star or guardian angel or whoever intervened and chose this dorm for his 4-year stint at medical school. 

This ground floor dorm, where he kind of effortlessly exists with the rest of the misfits who usually inhabit the quiet peaceful-ness that is 212:A. Usually that is. 

Because tonight whilst 212:A is visually quiet, 212:B is hosting the Christmas party of the century, blasting rap music through the walls to the point that the ceilings are shaking and the lamp on Isak’s desk is doing little jumps with every beat. There must be at least a hundred people jumping up and down in time with the beat upstairs and even Isak’s super expensive noise cancelling headphones are doing a lousy job of attempting to drown out what sounds like a disco warzone upstairs.

Upstairs. 

Because the dorm upstairs is the stuff of Isak’s nightmares. The 8 bedrooms in 212:B are occupied by a bunch of seriously cool dudes. Tough hard faced straight dudes. Gangster style slick guys with bandanas and hoodies and attitudes and winning smiles, and they honestly scare the shit out of Isak.

He doesn’t think he’s the only one though, because Noora who barely leaves the dorm as it is, squeaks in panic if one of them pass her in the hallway, Sara hasn’t even attempted to get to know any of them which is so unlike her, since she shags anything that moves. Even Eskild avoids them like the plague, calling them ’’the plastic boys upstairs’’. Says they are all so slick and shiny that he wouldn’t need lube to get it on with them.

Not that he wants to ‘’shag the little thug-boys’’, Eskild will snicker and do his amateur dramatics with his signature eyeroll and hand on his hip. Shudder at the thought of the shiny humans with the attitude inhabiting the floor above. The party lads. 

There seems to be hundreds of willing sexual partners upstairs though if you go by the sounds coming from the stairwell outside. Squeals and pants and laughter from people getting busy. 

Everyone is up to it, in the stairwell, the balcony. There is even someone making out in the bicycle shelter outside Isak’s window. He slams the curtains shut. Everyone is getting laid tonight.

Well except for Isak. No one ever shags Isak. 

212:A is unusually deserted for a Friday night, the doors to the bedrooms all closed, except for Noora’s down by the end. There’s this unspoken rule with the doors. Open door means come talk to me. Closed door means fuck off. Isak leaves his open. Not that anyone will come and see him, which is just the way he likes it. 

He needs to check on Noora though, especially with the commotion going on upstairs which he knows will trigger her anxieties. He knows where he will find her straight away, the acrid smell from the bleach making his nostrils twitch. 

The common room is pristine, the twinkling lights over the windows casting a little Christmas cheer over the otherwise bleak room, the sofa deserted and the eight chairs around the kitchen table neatly stacked upside down on top of the table. The floor is gleaming with water, and Noora is on all fours scrubbing imaginary stains from the lino carpet. There is nothing there, Isak knows, the girls keep the kitchen immaculate, most of them knee-deep-in-murky-medicine students and already professionally damaged from growing bacteria on Agar plates in Lab-work class during their first term.

Isak would happily eat his morning porridge straight off the floor. Seriously. There is not a single bacterium worth its name living a healthy existence anywhere near 212:A.

He knows what Noora is doing though, he has gotten good at reading her by now, having lived here for over a year. She’s freaked out. Terrified. Anxious as hell. Which results in epic unstoppable cleaning frenzies until she exhausts herself or someone manages to calm her enough to make her stop. Hide her away and calm her down until the world is a quieter kinder place where she can make her thoughts slow down long enough to keep her safe. 

‘’Noora’’

He keeps his voice calm and soft, sitting down carefully on his hunches next to her, silently swearing as he feels the bleachy water penetrate his socks. Damn. 

‘’Staphylococcus bacteria breeds easily when we have the heating on so high all through the day. It’s all over the floor. I can sense it. It’s everywhere. ‘’ 

She barely acknowledges him, scrubbing the floor with increased frenzy, her hair bunched into a messy top knot with a few loose strands stuck to her forehead.

‘’It smells like a swimming pool in here Noora, with all the bleach on the floor there will not be a single Staphylococcus bacterium left alive. I promise. Remember, I passed Bacterial infections at 100% last term. I know my shit.’’

‘’I know you did, you pass everything 100 percent. You don’t even have to try. You just turn up and the tutors give you an A. Just like that.’’ Noora is huffing and puffing with every word, letting her sponge sweep across the floor in front of her, splashing bleachy water over her jumper. 

‘’Noora, you need to wear gloves. Please let me just sort out your hands and I will let you get back to cleaning.’’

‘’Need to finish it. Need to keep busy to drown out the noise’’ She mutters, still not looking up from the floor. ‘’I used to be normal Isak. I used to party all the time, go out, have a good time. I had a boyfriend……’’ She scrubs even harder. 

He knows this story. The one that they don’t mention if they know what is good for them, and for Noora who will go into a screaming fit of obscenities at the bare mention of her ex. Some asshat called Haakon who apparently ruined Noora’s life and took her sanity away with him when he fucked off to Australia or wherever he now parks his arse at night and makes the world a dark place around him. All according to Noora. 

‘’Can’t stop. Hands. Fuck. My hands.’’

Her hands are an angry red. Not only does her obsessive handwashing aggravate her dermatitis but the creases on her already mangled hands are seeping with tiny strikes of red as she holds them up in front of her. 

Isak has done this before. Not only is dermatology something he has studied, but he understands Noora. He gets what she does. Understands how she feels. Fuck he’s pretty much like her himself. Just that he spits out his obsessions through his anal perfection in his studies, the daily runs that honestly, he needs to reign in, and his passionate quirk for keeping his room in a constant state of despair and the unquestionable fact that Isak Valtersen is a fucking looser. 

A nerd of the first degree. A friendless, partner less idiot who at the ancient age of 22 hasn’t managed to get laid. Or get kissed. Or been anywhere close to getting any of the sort for that matter. He hasn’t even held anyone’s hand for God’s sake. Well apart from Noora’s as he carefully leads her across the sloshy water on the floor to the sink so he can carefully rinse her hands under the warm water from the tap. 

‘’Just let me take care of your hands Noora. Just breathe with me.’’ 

Her breath is ragged and frenzied, her eyes closed as she winces with pain. This is not the first time she has fucked up her hands with bleach. Too lost in her need to follow her instincts to notice the skin cracking between her fingers, too full of her anxious thoughts to realize she should stop. He understands. He knows. This is not the first time. It won’t be the last. 

The cupboard marked ‘’Isak’’ is next to them, and he reaches out with his free hand rummaging around between the packets to find the tube of cream he left there for times like this. Thick gloopy ointment that he carefully slathers over her broken skin, soft movements of his hands over hers. 

‘’Let’s sit’’ He whispers, and walks her carefully back towards the sofa, sinking back down on his hunches as she sits, her hands still cradled in his.  
The movement of his hands seem to calm her, letting his fingers softly massage the cream into her damaged skin, hopefully soothing the angry red still visible under the layers of Vaseline and calming oils. 

‘’Just stay here, I just need to open the front door for a few minutes, so I can create a draft. Get some of the fumes out of the air.’’

To be honest the fumes are making him feel dizzy. The stress of the noise from upstairs is not helping and there is a bunch of people smoking outside the window that he just slammed closed after getting a mouthful of tobacco from the cold waft of air. 

All they need right now is a little peace and quiet. Just a little break. A moment of silence so he can get Noora under control. He feels like banging on a few doors, getting some backup and help. Not that Ingrid or Sara would help clean up Noora’s mess, they would just roll their eyes and bitch about their socks getting ruined. Speaking of which Isak takes his soaked excuse for socks off his feet and throws them in the bin. His jeans are already rolled up around his ankles and his bare feet angry from bleach and water as he tiptoes down the hall to get the front door open. 

He wedges it open against the wall, placing the brick that someone must have left outside years ago for that sole purpose, in front of the door, shivering in his t-shirt and bare feet against the cold wind relentlessly hitting him as he hops back inside over the threshold. He should grab a jumper. He should go wash his feet. Instead he grabs the dry mop from the cleaning cupboard and starts to slosh the water around, leaving Noora on the sofa with her now bare feet up underneath her, her wet socks in a puddle on the floor and her hands resting gently on her lap. She looks distraught. Exhausted. Jumpy and nervous as the beat upstairs changes and at least 50 people start to jump up and down to the tune blasting out above them. It’s deafening. Exhausting. 

‘’Shall I take Noora?’’ a voice from behind whispers. 

Eskild is watching her with that concerned look he always gets around her. The look that wonders what state she is in. If it’s one of the days when she stands tall and flashes them that brilliant smile of hers, or if it’s one of the days when she is broken into so many little pieces that she can barely function. 

‘’Don’t let her wash her hands.’’ Isak whispers back. Always the nerd. The textbook pseudo-doctor. The dude who thinks he knows best, when in reality he knows fuck all. 

Because seriously he doesn’t. He doesn’t understand the world. He doesn’t understand his family. He doesn’t know how to make friends anymore. He never understands how people fall in love. How the whole romance thing works. Fuck he doesn’t even understand himself. 

Instead he slips his headphones back on, and tries to drown out the world by blasting out NWA so loudly that he is pretty sure he is doing permanent damage to his inner eardrums, whilst he sloshes bleach laden water around the floor and empties bucket after bucket in the sink. 

The chairs get slammed back down on the floor under the table, and the bucket and mop get’s thrown back into the cleaning cupboard to the tune of American explicit rap-lines and deep bass rhythms. He slams the front door shut with an angry kick of his bare foot, stumbling awkwardly backwards as the cold wind hits his face. It’s so fucking cold, and he can barely feel his feet. 

The sounds from upstairs seem duller as he takes his headphones off and closes the door to his room. His little sanctuary. His home. His safe space where he can just breathe. Relax away all the pressure of having to be something he is not. He doesn’t have to pretend in here. This is just Isak. In all his ‘’fucking nerdy glory’’ he thinks to himself as he strips his clothes off and steps into the shower, feeling his body slowly heat back up under the hot jets. He lets his mind wander for once, hoping he can find something on Netflix to take his mind off the world before bed. Something to relax him enough that he would sleep. 

He steps back into the dusky light from his desk lamp, stark naked as the day he was born, letting his hands towel dry his hair as he taps the screen of his laptop to power it back up. The mirror on the wall reflecting his body in all it’s, well Isak snickers to himself. He’s not built or muscular, just lean. Defined from his daily running. Slim, not because he eats well, more because he can’t be bothered to cook most of the time. 

He looks ok. He’s not butt ugly. His hair is a mess of thick blonde curls. His skin mottled with scars and faded acne. He’s plain. Nothing special. One of those faces that blend into the background, never noticed never remembered. 

Christmas Star, he thinks to himself. He should buy himself a Christmas star and hang in the window. Or one of those arched electric candle holders, just something to make it a bit festive in here. Homely. Cosy. He has nothing on the walls. His desk covered in reference books and paperwork, the floor littered with charging cables and rubbish that he really should gather up and throw in the bin. He is pretty sure there are old pizza-boxes under the bed, plates long forgotten lurking in the corners. 

The light from the laptop casts the room in light as Isak lifts it up and turns around ready to throw himself on his oversized bed. The only luxury he allowed himself to bring from his childhood home, his super-duper mega comfy king-sized bed his Dad had bought him for his 15th birthday. It had seemed such a crazy present at the time, like his Dad hinting that he was growing up and might one day have someone share his bed. Needing space for two. Wink Wink. Hint Hint. 

Isak’s bed has only ever had the pleasure of hosting Isak. There has never been a single other human being in Isak’s bed. Which is freaking him out as he stands there staring at the bed in front of him. 

Because Isak’s bed is not empty. There is another human being fast asleep in Isak’s bed. A very tall human being wearing an oversized black hoodie and a pink bandana tied around his forehead.


	2. TWO

TWO

Isak’s first instinct is to flee. Run. Hide somewhere until the thing in his bed has disappeared. He blinks. Shakes his head in disbelief and looks again. 

Nope. He’s still there. There is still a very much fast asleep person in his bed, his breathing soft against Isak’s pillow, and that ridiculous pink bandana is sliding down over his eyes. 

He moves carefully to get a closer look, then recoils back as he remembers. No clothes. He is stark naked in his own room, like a normal person would be. It’s just this dude is there. 

Yes, he had left his door open, but that doesn’t mean any random person can come in and decide to sleep in his bed? Does it? Especially when the random person is flat out drunk. Isak can smell the alcohol now, fumes escaping along with little bubbles of spit at the corner of the dude’s mouth with every breath. Every little snore. 

He doesn’t know how he didn’t realize someone was here before, I mean the dude is not exactly quiet, snuffling and snoring and smacking his lips together in his sleep. His eardrums are still ringing from having his earphones on the highest volume, and the beats from upstairs are still going strong. But still, he should have noticed. How the fuck didn’t he notice?

There are a pair of threadbare joggers on the floor, which he pulls on, and the t shirt on the floor looks clean enough so he pulls it over his damp hair and tiptoes further up along the side of his bed so he can get a closer look. 

It’s definitely one of the guys from upstairs, the tall pretty one. The one with all the girlfriends. The one with the reputation.

Yes, Isak listens. He might not speak much to the other students, but his hearing is good (well it was until today and Isak will sue if his hearing is damaged from this bloody party, starting with the dude that has crashed Isak’s Netflix marathon in his bed)  
and he pays attention to the stories. The tall tales of weekend shenanigans. The obvious boast and lies. And the things that might actually be true.

Like the whispers doing the rounds about this dude, the one with the full lips. Kisses like he means it. Great lay apparently, can get any girl he wants. That’s what he has heard. Hangs around with the dark-haired guy with the black floppy fringe, and that pretty boy with the long hair. Well, he probably hangs around with everyone, always smiling and never alone. Never sitting on his own in the cafeteria like Isak, hiding in the corner with his headphones on. No, this dude is always the centre of attention, surrounded by people clinging to his every word. Laughing at his jokes. Staring adoringly at him as he throws his head back in laughter. 

Except this dude is now here. And Isak hasn’t got a clue what to do.

He could go get Eskild he supposes, and manhandle the dude out of the room. Dump him on the sofa for the night. He is quite sure the girls would approve, and in the morning he would wake up and find this boy on the sofa making all the girls laugh, having charmed them into making him coffee and buttering his toast and spoon feeding him their secret imported stash of Treo hangover fizz, whilst placing tiny morsels of hot buttered toast on his tongue. 

He pushes that scene out of his head with a sigh. The boy is his. He is in his bed. And if he doesn’t get him out of here things will be shit awkward in the morning. 

‘’Dude’’ he whispers and nudges the boys shoulder, before he can stop himself. He should think this through, make some kind of plan. Maybe wake him up gently so he doesn’t scare the shit out of the poor guy, waking up and realizing he has crashed in Isak’s bed, instead of wherever he thought he was crashing. 

He probably took a wrong turn, thinking this was Sara’s room. Or Ingrid’s. Or one of the other girls. Maybe he thought he could get lucky by just throwing himself in some lucky girl’s bed. Just like that. He wonders if people do that, just full on goes for it and shamelessly offers themselves like that. 

Isak shudders at the thought. It’s a mistake whatever it is, and Isak won’t let him get away with this. Not tonight. Not now. He doesn’t need the grief, or the inevitable shaming in the morning when this dude tells all his friends that the nerd downstairs tried to get him in the sack. Lies and funny jokes trying to make light of a situation that Isak knows will end badly, with Isak being the butt of every joke. The one the girls will gossip about and point fingers at. The one that came on to one of the beautiful people. One of their people. Where Isak just doesn’t belong.

Because the boy is beautiful, even Isak can see that. Soft curls framing his face, freckles decorating his pale skin and those lips. Even his fucking profile is perfect, his straight nose burrowing into Isak’s pillow. 

‘’Dude, come on! Wake up.’’ Isak shakes his shoulder this time, but the guy is dead. Dead to the world. Not even a hint of pretending to wake up. He just snores and burrows further in to the pillow.

‘’YO. MATE!’’ this guy is no mate of his. Nor will they ever be, but Isak is shouting now. Desperate. He needs to get to bed. He needs an hour of some mindless American sitcom to calm him down. He needs to sleep. Please. 

He tries to pull him off the bed, grabbing the dude by the ankles only to realize the guy is still wearing shoes. Big clumsy boots with heels. Ridiculous. I mean who wears shit like that in the middle of winter? It’s not like December in Oslo is the place for something that wouldn’t look out of place in a Texas Rodeo. 

‘’Fuck’’ he grits between his teeth. 

The sofa out in the main room is seriously uncomfortable. No one bothers to even sit on it, and even if he would consider sleeping there the bleach fumes would make him retch before long. 

It’s not like he could go sleep in anyone else’s room. It’s just not the kind of thing he could do. Not his thing. Not that he is close enough to any of the others to warrant such a request. 

He could sleep on his own floor he supposes, except that the dude is lying on top of his duvet. 

It takes a few good pulls but finally the duvet gives way and the dude rolls over as Isak drags the fabric from underneath his body. He almost bursts into laughter, where the dude is now on his back, mouth wide open and the bandana has slipped down covering his eyes and nose. He looks like a twat. 

A drunk snoring twat in ridiculous boots. 

Isak is a medical student. Isak fucking knows what can happen. He wouldn’t be a responsible human being if he didn’t ensure that his unwelcome roommate at least survives the night. 

The boots come off his feet to reveal socks underneath. Ridiculous socks with little reindeers and Santas that make Isak swallow another inappropriate giggle. This isn’t funny. This isn’t funny at all.

He rolls the bandana up over the dude’s fringe, carefully removing it before tossing it aside, and straddles the dude to try to roll him into the recovery position. He has done it several times in training, but always with willing perfectly conscious subjects underneath him. Never a half dead comatose boy breathing alcohol fumes at him making him retch in disgust. 

It takes a few goes, and Isak get’s braver as the boy is definitely out for the count. He doesn't wake up even when Isak knees him in the balls by mistake, trying to manhandle his shoulder over towards the mattress. But he is finally there, safely in position on his side with his hand supporting his chin so any accidental vomiting won’t choke him to death and there is nothing restricting around his neck to hinder his breathing. His airway is open and he is safe. In the middle of Isak’s bed. 

He wants to cry. He wants to bury his face in his hands and howl. Scream out in frustration. 

Instead he covers the unconscious boy in his warm duvet and switches off the light. Lets his own body slide in under the covers at the very edge of the bed, as far away as he can get. Isak lies there, perched on the edge of the mattress, yet he can still feel the breath of from the boy hitting the back of his neck. Soft puffs of air stroking the skin under his still damp hair. 

He shudders. It’s hours until he finally falls asleep. Restless and terrified of what he might find next to him in the morning.


	3. THREE

Even needs to learn to control his drinking. Not that he has a problem, oh no, it’s just when he gets like he got last night. He was out of control, letting things get on top of him. He needs to figure out how to reign himself in when he can’t figure shit out, and not just drown his panic in copious amounts of alcohol.

I mean look where it got him. Here. On a Sunday morning with the worst headache in the history of headaches.   
There should be a packet of Paracet in his bedside drawer, and he reaches out to open the drawer only to smash his hand into the wall and wince in pain like a 5-year-old. 

‘’Who fucking moved the wall?’’ He whines and rolls over so he can feel for the water bottle he usually keeps next to his bed. Wall. There is a wall wedged up against his nose. Who freaking moved his bedside table? Was he really that drunk last night that he rearranged his furniture in a drunken stupor? At least his bedding is clean, smelling softly of washing powder and… ugh. He catches a mouthful of his own morning breath and almost throws up. Fuck. 

Sitting up is too painful. His brain has obviously detached from his skull again, causing flashes of lights to painfully dart across his vision as he tries to open his eyes. The curtains are shut. Thank god. 

He still catches sight of the desk, and covers his eyes with both hands, trying to get his vision under control. 

‘’What the fuck?’’ 

Someone has stolen his desktop. Both screens, and his drawing pad. Fuck someone has stolen the lot. All his shit. And replaced his freaking unreplaceable state of the art graphics set up with, a fucking cheap laptop. Not only that but there is a lamp he doesn’t recognize and ….He lets his eyes dart around the room. 

This is not his room. The curtains are the same, cheap washed out yellow cotton ones that the university housing society must have bought in bulk as most dorm rooms have them, but the rest. This is not his room. Fuck. 

At least he is alone in the bed, and he is desperately racking his brain for where he could be. He can’t remember hooking up with anyone last night, and he is pretty sure he locked up his room before people started to arrive. It’s all good and well hosting epic parties, but Even likes to wake up in his own bed the morning after, with most of his life intact. Which doesn’t seem to be the case this morning. 

At least he is dressed, he sighs, and fumbles awkwardly with his hoodie. He hates sleeping in his clothes, and now he feels overheated and nauseous. His arms almost panic trying to get the hoodie over his head and he hyperventilates into his hands as the offending sweat-drenched jumper hits the wall and slides down on the floor at the end of the bed. 

The end of the bed. Fuck. There are a pair of legs standing there, shiny spandex legs. Running gear. Muscular legs leading up to…. Oh fuck. 

‘’Disney Prince’’ Even mutters and lets his whole body fall back against the pillows. 

Because of course. Of course, it would have to be him. How the hell did he end up here?

‘’What?’’ The Disney prince says, and to be honest he looks terrified. Like Even is a full-blown vampire werewolf shifter monster. Or a blood thirsty zombie. 

And to be very honest Even is just about to go into a long rant about zombies and that he is not one whilst he does feel like one and if he could join the world of the undead he would probably fit right in in the state he is. Because he feels like death warmed up. 

‘’What did you call me?’’ the Disney Prince hisses. He looks pissed off. Like Even is taking the piss out of him, when he is clearly not. Because Even is dying. Mortified with embarrassment. 

‘’I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to say that out loud.’’ 

It’s a lame excuse for an apology. Even knows that. But he can’t run in the state he is, however much he would love to just get up and push past the man in front of him and just disappear. Disappear and never set foot on this part of the campus again. What the hell had he been thinking?

‘’I don’t appreciate you taking the piss. I don’t appreciate people crashing in my room. I have barely slept all night, and I am….’’ The Disney Prince is waving his arms about, then pulling at his hair and stomping around. He’s pissed off. That’s clear. 

‘’I don’t know how I ended up here.’’ Even lies. He knows full well how he ended up here. He was pissed out of his head and didn’t know what the hell he was doing as usual. Well he did. But not in a good sensible way.

‘’You live upstairs, don’t you? How the hell can you end up in the wrong bloody dorm on the wrong floor? I mean?’’ The Disney Prince is pacing the room now, his hair drenched in sweat and his face flushed. ‘’I went for a run an hour ago, and I would have expected to come back and find you gone. I gave you an out. Just fuck the hell out of here!’’

Well fuck me. Disney Prince has a temper. Although he looks mortified at the profanities that just spilled out of his mouth and he has that terrified look on his face again. 

‘’Can I just stay? Just let me have an hour. Please. I can’t face walking at the moment. You don’t happen to have any Panodil? Paracet? Ibux? Anything? I’m dying here..’’ Even is, it’s true. 

Not only is he crashing in the Disney Prince’s room, he is also demanding to stay like some deranged diva with illusions of grandeur, and now he is apparently also entitled to the Disney Prince’s painkillers. Like a twat. 

Well the Disney Prince seems to have run out of steam, having sat himself down on the edge of the chair by the desk, hunched over with his head in his hands. At least he hasn’t gone for a fist in his mouth. Nor has he laughed in his face. Yet. It’s only a matter of time. Because Even isn’t an easy guy to have around, he’s impulsive and over the top and intense and needy and fucking demanding. 

And the Disney Prince honestly looks like he wants to cry. He also needs a shower. Seriously.

‘’I will make it up to you. I will owe you a favour. Please. Just give me an hour.’’ Even can’t even look at the guy, his face buried in the pillows. ‘’Your bed is awesome by the way. Best bed ever. Epic. If I was your girlfriend I would never leave.’’

He is talking a load of shit again and if he didn’t know any better he would have almost believed that The Disney Prince had let a giggle escape. 

‘’No girlfriend.’’ Disney Prince says calmly. 

‘’Boyfriend?’’ Even counters. Still face down in the pillows. Because in this day and age you should be open and accepting. Inclusive. Kind. 

‘’No’’ The Disney Prince laughs. ‘’Total looser me.’’

‘’Don’t believe you’’ Even rolls over and half sits up, then immediately regrets it and falls back into the pillow with a groan.

‘’You are really suffering, aren’t you?’’ The Disney Prince asks. His voice is surprisingly calm. 

‘’You’re the Doctor, you tell me.’’

‘’Pretend doctor. Medicine student. Second year.’’

‘’Good enough, I suppose you have figured out how to diagnose someone dying of a hangover? Eh?’’

Even is trying to make it into a joke. He is. But his head is a mess and his thoughts are scrambling and to be honest? Sleep would be good. After a good cocktail of water and painkillers. Please.’’

‘’I don’t really drink. Party as such. I wouldn’t know, apart from that you stink like a brewery and look like death. I kind of get that.’’ He sighs and opens one of his desk drawers. Rumbles around, banging and scraping making Even wince in pain. 

There are footsteps and doors opening and closing. Echoes from the corridor outside, and voices talking. Soft laughter and the sound of the door handle moving again before the bed dips next to him and a hand grabs his arm, tugging at him to sit up. 

‘’Come on you, let’s get some ibuprofen into you. There.’’ There are fingers pressing bitter tasting pills against his lips and he greedily gulps down the glass of water handed to him, although sitting up hurts and his hands shake as he lies back down and the glass gets removed from his grip. 

‘’Thank you’’ He whispers as he curls up and there are hands tucking the duvet back up over his shoulders. 

‘’What did you call me earlier? The Dizzy Prince? Why?’’ The Disney Prince voice sounds amused now. Not so angry and hostile. 

‘’The Disney Prince. We have nicknames for all of you upstairs, and that’s you. The Disney Prince.’’ Even’s eyes are heavy. His can’t even think straight now. Sleep. And that soothing voice next to him.

‘’Why on earth would you call me that? Is it some kind of joke?’’ He doesn’t sound angry. Just confused. Maybe a little irritated. Maybe.

‘’Because you look like a Disney Prince. If I was making a film with a prince in it, he would look just like you.’’ Even slurs. 

He thinks The Disney Prince says something back. He can feel the mattress move as he gets up and walks away. He doesn’t remember anything else. Just that he is warm and safe and comfortable. And asleep. He is definitely asleep.


	4. FOUR

FOUR

It’s not often Isak get’s people wrong. He has gotten good at reading people. Knowing when to duck and when to dive. 

And when it is safe to speak.

He would normally never ever have dared to speak to one of the guys upstairs, they are just not that kind of people. They are the kind of people Isak remembers from school, short sighted people quick to judge, the kind of people who put other people down with words and glances, so they themselves can feel bigger. Better Cooler than the rest of the world. Isak has spent all his life hiding from people like the guys upstairs. 

Until today. Because the guy in his bed is actually a mess. A hungover mess of a guy, but he seems OK. Maybe he was OK with Isak because he was kind of trapped in Isak's bed, and thought it was easier not to behave like a total jerk. Not that Isak expects him to remember the favour he now owes him. Like he will promise not to trip Isak up on the stairs or steal his bike in return for an hours sleep in Isak’s bed. 

Isak’s bed. He does agree about his bed being epic though. He has proper feather-filled fluffy pillows and a duck down duvet. Another of his Dad’s birthday presents. 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. The fact that his Dad works for one of the top bed manufacturing companies in Scandinavia does count for something in life, and his Dad knows his stuff. His Dad is pretty awesome to be honest, and he wouldn’t change a thing.

Parents are parents, but Isak has been lucky with his. They might not have been perfect but they love him. Not only does his Mum treat him like an adult on the rare occasions when he does visit, but his Dad gives him space. Shows an appropriate amount of interest in his studies and pops the occasional joke about Isak finding himself a girlfriend. It’s cool. Isak can cope with that. Still coming back to the safety of his dorm room where he can close the door around him and breathe is still the best feeling in the world. 

Except today, when he remembers that he is not alone. Not safe. Not in any way safe or calm. 

He pops his head around the corner and checks on the guy in his bed. Still asleep, with most of the duvet bunched up in his arms like he is holding onto an oversized teddy bear. His nose is buried in the fabric and there are soft snores escaping his mouth. 

Isak still locks his bathroom door. I mean better be safe than sorry. He had an extra long run this morning and still hasn’t eaten, so his hands are shaky and to be honest he feels a little bit faint. He still turns the shower on and steps underneath the warm jets. Tries to relax the muscles in his shoulders that are stiff with the stress from last night. He barely slept, too aware of the body next to him. Too nervous about what would happen in the morning. 

He had gotten up early and slipped his running gear on, trying to make enough noise to carefully wake the dude up. Then slammed the door shut to ensure his wakeup tactic was solid. If the guy had any sense he would wake up, realize he was somewhere he shouldn’t be and get the hell out of there before anyone noticed. 

Well that had backfired. Instead the guy had been all cute and grumpy and called him a bloody Disney Prince. Isak almost chuckles to himself. Well it’s true. It was kind of cute. Even though Isak is no fairy-tale prince. Fuck that. 

The towel is still wet from last night, lying in a heap on the floor. Well Isak has no choice, he wraps the damp cold fabric around his waist and tiptoes out into the room to try to find something clean and warm to wear. The room is cold, the window just open enough to let a tiny breeze through to vent the alcohol fumes that Isak had woken up to, the stale air hitting the back of his throat as he turns to check on the sleeping man tangled up in his duvet. 

He has turned around in his sleep still hogging the bedding between his arms as Isak pulls a sweatshirt over his head. He’s cold. He’s tired. He’s freaking exhausted if he is honest with himself, and the bed looks damn inviting, uninvited guest or not. His brain is saying go out and make some breakfast. Go out and get away.

But his body just won’t cooperate. He falls carelessly onto the bed, grabbing the edge of the duvet in a swift jerk, giving him just enough to cover his body. The fabric is warm against his hands, having been scrunched up in the arms of the guy next to him.

He sleeps. He sleeps like he’s dead. Waking up with his shoulders aching with stiffness from not having moved. He wakes up alone. He wakes up alone and warm in a bed smelling of someone else and Isak curls up on himself. Wraps his body around himself until he is aching from the strain of holding himself. The muscles in his legs aching from not having done his stretches properly after his morning run. His arms aching from trying to keep himself warm. His heart split open like it’s been sliced like a knife. 

He never knew it could be like this. That just the thought of having some one sleeping next to you could fill you with fear. Yet fill you with all these feelings. 

The volcano of ‘’What if?’’ questions are clouding his thoughts to the point of his head aching. What if this boy had been his? What if he had still been here? What if thought some miraculous intervention, this boy liked him? What if this hadn’t been a crazy accident? A fluke in the throws of some drunken madness. What if this boy had come, because he wanted to? Because he was being brave? And Isak had just flipped him off like he was nothing. An inconvenience and a hassle. 

His face is burning. His eyes wet from feelings Isak doesn’t quite understand. 

This is why Isak will never have a relationship with anyone. This is what is wrong with Isak. He just doesn’t ‘’get’’ other people. He never has. Never will. 

At least he has his room back he thinks as he stretches uncomfortably and rolls out of bed. His legs going all Bambi on him, his hands shaking as his blood sugar is crashing. Well who is he kidding. It crashed hours ago. He can barely function as he hobbles out into the common room wearing his threadbare dressing gown and mismatching socks, as he grabs the pot of coffee from the coffeemaker and says a little prayer in gratitude to whoever left the lukewarm slat of coffee in the pot for him to find. He could kiss them. Honestly. 

‘’Look who rolled out of bed. Finally.’’ Chris is perched on the sofa, lap top in front of her and a mug of coffee in her hand.

‘’I didn’t sleep very well last night.’’ Isak lies. ‘’Noise and all that.’’ He gestures with his hand lamely pointing to the ceiling whilst downing the coffee in one, and topping up his cup with the last drops. 

‘’I will put another pot on for you.’’ Chris says as she gets up and shuffles over in her giant novelty slippers. Unicorns today. White and fluffy with giant fellatic horns at the front. Quite obscene if Isak is very honest with himself.

‘’Why are you being nice to me today? What do you want from me? Lost your notes from that Gastro-intestinal lecture again?’’ He knows he sounds snarky as hell but Chris is safe. She always has been. She’s loud and direct and funny and doesn’t give a toss. She also flirts shamelessly with him which is kind of amusing. They both know there is nothing there. Just an easy friendship of some sorts that Isak is still trying to get his head around. 

‘’No. I just want the gossip. You know. The one time someone sneaks out of your room in the early hours of the morning, and I manage to catch him. He looked guilty as hell by the way. Well fucked. You did good boy. Impressed. Kudos to you my friend, pegging a hottie.’’ She raises her hand as to high five him and Isak just stands there, his face hanging. All the blood in his body pooling in his cheeks. Feeling a little faint as he clumsily meets Chris’ hand with his own.‘’

‘’No pegging….’’Isak starts then shakes his shoulders in frustration. ‘’Look nothing happened. Nothing. He’s a mate. Needed a favour.’’ His voice is a bit too loud. His body language screaming ‘’LIES lies lies’’ but he can’t help himself. He’s not built for this shit. Not when Chris is standing there mimicking a blowjob with her hand against her lips and her tongue poking at the inside of her cheek. Winking at him. 

‘’Oh yeah? I bet he did. Hot stuff.’’ Chris just laughs. ‘’So, is this a thing? How long has this been going on?’’ He quite expects her face to be teasing. Her voice full of laughter. But instead she looks surprisingly calm. Happy almost. 

‘’Nothing is going on Chris. Nothing.’’ Isak wants to go back to his room. Shut the door in everyone’s face and groan in frustration. But he needs to eat if he is not going to pass out. 

‘’Yeah right. Well you know I have options. I can always go up and talk to Even.’’ Chris looks triumphant. ‘’I bet he would tell me all the gossip. I know how to make him talk.’’

‘’Who the fuck is Even?’’ Isak screeches and rips open a packet of muesli. Extra fibre. Added Omega oils. Honestly. He goes and sleeps for a few hours and the whole world seems to have gone crazy.

‘’Isak you are not fooling anyone. Even. Your Even. You did ask his name, didn’t you? Before you let your steel hard member slide down his willing throat.’’ Chris throws out the last sentence in her best theatrical voice. Leaning her head back and gyrating her hips against the kitchen counter making Isak chuckle. Involuntary. It’s not funny. It’s not even a little bit funny.

‘’Even. Is that his name?’’ He laughs. Awkwardly. He feels like a prick. A right arsehole. 

‘’Even Bech Næsheim, Graphic Design and Media. 3rd year. Seriously cool dude. Can’t believe you did him. I mean have you got some kind of magical dick magnet or something? I would have let him do me. Anytime. I mean hello. Have you seen those lips? Oh yes you have. Sorry Isak. Forgot. You did see them. Wrapped tightly around that cock of yours last night. Am I right?’’

‘’Chris. Fuck the hell off.’’ Isak warns. Seriously. ‘’You know nothing. Don’t piss on me. I’m not in the mood.’’

Don’t piss on me? Isak doesn’t even know where that came from. Speaking like he is some kind of tough person. 

‘’Oh, are you into a bit of waterworks? Piss play?’’ Chris throws her head back in laughter. ‘’You surprise me Valtersen. Honestly. A year and a half of living here and I was seriously thinking you were some kind of Eunuch. Like your dick had shrivelled up and fallen off. Then you go and surprise us all by fucking the king of the plastics up there. I am impressed. I’ll say it again. Kudos. ‘’ 

‘’Can you just shut the fuck up?’’ He shrieks. Because Isak can’t take it. He just can’t. It’s too much and there are stupid tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. Too many feelings and shit and fuck and then fucking hell Chris. Just leave it. Please just leave it. 

‘’Oh, come here, let’s hug it out.’’ Chris tugs at him. Pulls at his arms. Lays her head against his chest and hums as she pulls him in for the most awkward hug in the history of hugs. Because Isak doesn’t know fuck right now. He doesn’t understand shit as he huddles back under his duvet with a bowl of dry muesli. He ran without thinking. Didn’t even grab the milk, and he is NOT going back out there. Not in a million years. 

His head swirls all afternoon as he tries to immerse himself in his Immunology case study, failing to even put one line on the screen in front of him. 

The boy’s name is Even. Even. It sits on his tongue like it belongs there and it’s messing with Isak’s head. Even. 

He throws himself in his bed, letting the laptop balance on his knees through half a season of some Discovery documentary on people living off the grid in bloody Alaska, before his stomach rumbles and he curls up in a ball. He needs to go for another run. It would help. Just an hour of mindless pounding against the snow-covered ground would just take the edge of it all. Just calm all the anxieties that are paralyzing his body.  
He knows he shouldn’t. The rational part of his brain knows his knees are fucked and need a break. His brain also understands that Isak has barely eaten all day, not drunk anything apart from a cup and a splash of luke-warm coffee, and that his blood sugar is dangerously low. He is tired. Dehydrated. Exhausted. Shivering in the thick hoodie he is wearing even though he is tucked under the duvet, with that pillow pressed to his chest. The pillow Even slept on. 

Even. His imaginary friend. The bloke from upstairs who in a drunken stupor ended up spending a few hours snoring next to him. It meant nothing. It means nothing at all. 

Maybe he should do what Noora does. Get up and pour bleach all over his floor and scrub it until his knuckles bleed. Anything to make himself feel better. He gets it. He understands. Anything to make himself feel anything but a failure and a looser and a freak. 

He needs to go out there and eat something. He needs to have a shower and go to sleep. Behave like a normal person. Drink about a litre of water in one go.

Instead he pulls the duvet over his head and groans in frustration. 

He needs to get a grip. He needs to get himself under control. Stop all these stupid fantasies that have somehow planted themselves in his head. 

Even. His name is Even.


	5. FIVE

FIVE

Three days is all it takes before Even breaks. Three bloody days. 

He’s not like this. He is not. He is a good person. So yes, he teases and messes around and sometimes hurts people’s feelings. Yes, so he can be an arse about it. He has broken a few people’s hearts. It just easier than trying to explain. He is just so tired of trying to explain. 

The drinking is just a convenient cop out, he knows that. Nobody bats an eyelid if you pass out drunk in the middle of a party. They just laugh at him and call him a lightweight. And it’s not like he does it all the time.

He likes the kissing. He likes the snuggling and the dancing. But you have to feel to take it further, and Even tends not to feel a thing. It’s just skin against skin and spit and hands everywhere until he feels like he is suffocating. Like he has to get out. Like there is something seriously wrong with him.

You have to want it to have sex. You have to get turned on. Get that buzz in your body that you want more. 

It’s not like he’s a virgin. He has had sex. Stuck his cock inside a few girls. 

You are supposed to feel. You are supposed to lose your mind from the sensations of it all. Yet it had just made him feel numb. Numb and tired and distraught. 

So, instead he is an arse. He kisses and flirts and pretends he is something he is not. When all he wants is to feel. Feel something real. Something he can touch and hold on to and want and need. 

He kind of knew. He has always known. It’s bad enough that his Mum is obsessed with the whole free your heart concept she waffles on about. He was raised to love. He was raised to have an open mind and an open heart. He has. He’s not judging anyone. 

His Mum is the best. She may be all wrapped up in her own ideas and live in an ideal dream-world of her own, but she is right. She is always right. He needs to grow up. He needs to get a grip. And he needs to finally do something about it. She has even told him what he should do. It’s a good idea. A solid plan. He just needs to be brave and take the first step. Then follow it though. He can almost hear her soft voice in his head, with that edge of laughter she always carries. The sentences that spill out of her mouth with such ease and warmth. He is loved. He is cherished. He is so very much loved.

The other guys in his dorm must kind of know by now, he has thrown enough hints out there. And it’s not like they would look at him any different. 

Nobody says anything about Adam and Mikael. Not that they rub it in anyone’s faces but come on, they sleep in Adam’s room, and the only time Mikael sets foot in his own room is right before exams when he needs to study. There are always the little touches, lingering just that second too long. The glances. The little smiles. The secrets they think that nobody knows whilst it’s written all over their faces. The little things that make Even green with jealousy. 

He wants that. He wants to be loved. Have this ridiculous over the top epic love story happen to him. Where someone will fall in love with him so desperately that Even just won’t be able to help his pathetic little heart. Yeah. It’s pathetic all right. He’s not five. He’s almost 25. Not a child waiting for the love of his life to come and rescue him out of his imaginary tower. 

No one would judge him. No one would care. Yousef keeps grabbing his shoulder and giving him that look. The one that says get yourself together. You can do this. Elias just smiles at him when he sits in the kitchen window with his nose pressed against the cold glass, watching the boy run into the distance until he disappears around the corner down by the clearing. William, well he is so lost in his own head most of the time that he probably wouldn’t notice if they all got an atomic bomb dropped on them. Honestly. 

And Magnus, in all his well meaning hopeless clueless heart, he had gallantly offered. Said he would quite happily march downstairs, throw the Disney Prince over his shoulder and deposit him on Even's lap if he just stopped looking like the world was about to end in the middle of their Epic Christmas party.

They all know that he has this little obsession going on with the Disney Prince downstairs. 

The boy with the golden curls who is kind to everyone. He watches him all the time, as he runs off into the distance in the morning in that ridiculous running gear, headphones on his head and his neon striped shoes pounding the hard snow. He listens in. Watches. Dreams. 

He needs to sleep if he is going to function tomorrow, and sitting here churning in his own thoughts is not going to help anything, whatever the outcome. He might as well go down there and make an arse out of himself instead. I mean how bad can it go? He just wants to apologize. 

Yeah. And crawl into bed with him and let everything just melt away whilst the boy who’s bed it is stares at him and then he will pretend he is asleep and everything will just be awkward but Even can’t help himself. 

He sits pathetically swirling in circles on his oversized office chair by his desk, letting his unfinished assignment stare him in the face. The colourful charts lighting up the room like a multicoloured disco ball on pause. There are too many colours. Too many ideas in one. Too much of everything. Just like Even. His head just won’t switch off. 

So he showers until he feels like a boiled crab. Scrubs his skin until it stings. Slathers on some of the moisturiser his sister keeps buying him, an eco-friendly unscented soft cream untested on animals designed to make his face feel like a baby’s bottom. He snickers at the thought. She means well. And he is grateful somewhere deep down in the sarcasm over it all. 

His own bed is cold and his mattress is lumpy, he sighs as pulls his pyjama pants over his legs. Last year’s Christmas joke. The whole family were gifted themed pyjama-sets and walked around like they were hosting some crazy fan convention all January. He has lost the top somewhere, along with the hat that came with it. 

The one pathetic pillow that lives in his bed is cold against his skin as he folds in half to make a decent wedge under his head and he should really invest in a decent blanket. One of those soft fleecy ones you can wrap yourself up in, feeling the softness surrounding you like a warm hug. He needs to go shopping. 

No, he doesn’t. He just needs to go down one step of stairs and fall head first into this bed of clouds down there, full of warmth and smells and feathery pillows and a boy who won’t know what hit him when the deranged bloke from upstairs turns up in his bed again. 

So, he breaks. Because it’s been 3 days. 3 days of agonizing how he can apologize. Turn it into some kind of joke. A hapless mistake because he is an idiot. When all he wants is to do it again. 

It’s ridiculous. It could be a total disaster. Even doesn’t care anymore. He swings his legs out of bed before fear and rational thoughts can stop him, grabs his phone and keys and slams the door shut behind him.


	6. SIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the lovely comments and support, it means the world to me and makes me smile every time my phone pings with another comment. I hope you will love this little story as much as I do, and don't worry. It's Christmas isn't it? All will be merry and bright! xxxx

SIX

Isak has two more episodes to go, and he has already decided that it’s probably the worst series he has watched for a long time. Some British drama about some doctor who suspects her husband is having an affair, and she keeps looking at her iPhone and then drives for miles when she could just look him up on ‘Find my friends’. I mean Isak could have written a better script. Thrown in a few twists and turns. And corrected the medical equipment that she holds upside down as she yells at her colleague over some missed test results. 

It’s pathetic, but he keeps watching. He might as well know how it ends so he can spend the rest of tomorrow at peace instead of agonizing over some stupid TV drama. 

At least he feels a little better today having eaten properly and drunk his two litres of water. And he limited himself to a 30-minute run to give his knee a break. Pounding and throbbing under the duvet as he wriggles his hips to change the position he is in. Then throwing himself over on his side and letting the laptop bounce gently against the mattress. 

He just can’t get comfortable. Can’t calm the uneasiness in his stomach. 

The girls still all look at him when he goes out there. I mean Eskild stares at him like he is some kind of celebrity or some shit. Like he is seeing him in a brand-new light. And the girls talk. Well at least Noora was smiling out there at dinner, sitting cross-legged at the table eating her vegetable stir-fry. She had even let him do her hands again, making sure she kept the thin cotton medical gloves over her hands so the cream could have a chance to sink in. He needs to go buy some more ointment and gloves for her, for the next time. Because there will be a next time. There always is. 

He supposes it was all meant to be, this becoming a Doctor. He always loved Puzzles as a child, and people are just like that. Little pieces of humans that you have to twist and turn until you find the pieces that fit. He get’s Noora and her mismatched little pieces. He understands how to twist her pieces into place. He just can’t figure out how to finish the puzzle. Find that missing piece. Because there must be a way to make her whole again. Just like there must be a way of healing himself. 

Because Isak is not whole, he thinks to himself as there is a soft knock on his door. He is not whole at all. I mean if he was a proper functioning human being, a knock on the door should not set his heart into a chaotic pulse of terror. He shouldn’t be sitting bolt upright in his bed frozen to the bone in sheer panic. 

His door still opens and closes and there he is. The boy.

‘’Hi’’ he says. And to be honest that makes Isak a little calmer. Because he looks just as terrified as Isak. 

‘’It’s like almost midnight’’ Isak blurts out before he can engage his brain. ‘’Are you alright?’’

‘’Just couldn’t sleep.’’ The boy says. Even says. His name is Even. 

‘’Me neither.’’ Isak doesn’t know where all these words are coming from. He doesn’t speak this much. Especially to strangers who turn up in his room in the middle of the night. 

Even just stands there, leaning against the wall. His hair is a mess on his head. His hoodie wrinkled. And he is wearing some kind of Christmas pyjama pants with Star Wars logos randomly mixed with Santa hat’s patterned over his legs. 

‘’Also, my bed is nowhere near as comfortable as yours. I have total bed envy.’’ Even has this little twinkle in his eye that Isak just can’t read. Like he is teasing. When he is not. Because there is still that horrible fear in his eyes that makes Isak all soft. Like he wants to wrap Even up in soft padded sterile bandages until he is all calm and safe again. 

His head is a mess. Fact. There is no denying it. This will all end in disaster. Isak almost laughs as he pats the pillow next to him. I mean what is the worst that could happen? The guy laughing in his face and hurling insults at him? It’s not like they are friends. It’s not like he has anything to lose.

‘’God, I love your bed’’ Even laughs and pulls the hoodie over his head revealing a thin t-shirt underneath with a massive rip in the sleeve. And Isak thinks at least he is just as bad as Isak at this clothes thing. Isak couldn’t dress himself if his life depended on it. Instead he wears stuff until they get eaten by the industrial sized washing machines in the laundry block, or when they simply fall to pieces in his hands.

Well Even just throws his hoodie carelessly on the floor as he dives onto Isak’s pile of pillows and totally shamelessly crawls under the duvet. Puffs up the pillows under his head and flashes that smile. The smile that makes Isak birth butterflies in his stomach and his cheeks feel like they are on fire. 

‘’Is this OK?’’ Even asks. And there is that fear again. 

‘’Yeah, yeah, totally. Plenty of space.’’ He stutters and waves at the screen on his laptop. Where the doctor is waving her phone about. Looking distraught. 

‘’What were you watching?’’ Even is still finding his chill. Pushing the pillows around and tugging at the duvet so he can bunch it up in his arms against his chest. 

‘’BBC drama. Totally random and all these loose strings that just don’t add up. I don’t know why I kept watching.’’ Isak slams the laptop shut. Reaches out and places it carefully on the desk by the side of the bed.

‘’You should watch ‘’The Fall’’, I think that was on BBCiplayer. Really clever. Some serial killer drama. It was really good.’’ Even just looks at him. Then closes his eyes. 

And Isak get’s this urge to reach out and sweep the hair from his eyes. Stroke his freckled skin. Touch the eyelash that is stuck to his eyelid. There is a little bit of moisture at the corner of his eye. A tiny drop of water that makes Isak’s head fill with ridiculous feelings again. 

He doesn’t do any of those things though. Just crawls underneath the duvet and switches his bedside lamp off. 

‘’Do you need an alarm?’’ He asks. Like it’s totally normal. Like this isn’t just a freaky dream that Isak will wake up from in a minute and realize that this was just not real. That this just doesn’t happen in real life. Because people just don’t come and sleep in random people’s beds for no reason. No reason at all.

‘’Got it set on my phone.’’ Even mumbles. Isak can feel his breath on his face. A little too close for comfort. 

He needs to stop talking. Stop asking stupid questions before Even has enough and gets up and walks out of his life forever, never to come back. He needs to savour this. Remember this for the rest of his life. 

‘’How did you get in? Wasn’t the front door locked?’’ His mouth is still talking and for once Isak is grateful for the darkness. 

‘’Same key as for upstairs. And you should be locking your door at night. You never know who might crawl in and sleep in your bed. Your bed is awesome. I might just stay here forever.’’

There is a little laughter in Even’s voice. And surprisingly Isak matches it as he giggles softly. 

‘’Yeah. I should shouldn’t I. You can stay. I don’t mind. ‘’

He doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind at all. It’s just his whole body that minds as he the tension creeps up in his shoulders as he turns over and finds that spot where he is yet again balancing at the edge of the bed. As far away as possible from the boy in his bed. He doesn’t mind. Truly. He doesn’t mind at all. Then why wont his brain shut down? Why can’t he just stop thinking? Slow down the thoughts churning through his brain like cars on a race track. He just can’t slow down.

‘’Night Disney Prince.’’

‘’Night’’

Isak’s body is a mess. Because he turns onto his back and speaks again. ‘’My name is Isak. ‘’

‘’Hi Isak. I’m Even.’’ 

‘’I know.’’ Isak’s mouth squeals out. 

‘’I knew too.’’ Even says softly. ‘’Isak Valtersen. Right?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ 

‘’Night Night Isak Valtersen’’

‘’Night Night Even from Upstairs.’’

Even just giggles softly. Sighs as he bunches the duvet up into a ball in his arms, leaving Isak’s body half uncovered again. 

Not that he cares. Surprisingly Isak sleeps. Deep and dreamless until the metallic shrill of his phone echoes though the darkness and it’s morning again.


	7. SEVEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for longer chapters....Your wish is my command. I split the first couple of chapters in half to ensure I could stretch it out to 24 chapters, but I have enough now so they should be a little longer and meatier now. And here is the first of Elli's amazing drawings. They are not in order of her posting them, but the original snowflake art was what gave me the inspiration for this Isak and this Even so I have kind of rolled with her ideas writing the story behind them. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Thank you again for all the amazing comments and feedback. It makes my day, honestly. (walks around with a cheesy grin).  
> All the love, always . S xxx

 

SEVEN

He stretches and pushes his palms against the wall over his head. Pushes and stretches until every muscle in his body is singing with that slight hint of pain. His toes pointing towards the opposite wall, his feet hanging over the edge of the bed.

His bed. Which is empty and cold again as he reaches out and punches the shrilling phone next to him. Punches it again. With his fist.

 

Fuck.

 

He’s not here. Gone again like some imaginary shadow in the night. And Isak curls into himself and groans in frustration.

 

In a way it’s good. No more awkward conversation. No worries about who does what. Because Isak has a lecture in 2 hours and he needs to prep the immunology case study beforehand that so he is ready for the group lab session afterwards. He also needs to run.

 

Well fuck he doesn’t need to run. Nobody needs to run. Just Isak’s days seem to run better after he has exhausted himself. So, he sits himself up and piles the pillows behind his back and flips his laptop open. Types a few sentences aimlessly to open his argument.

 

He has no argument. He doesn’t know shit about immunology right now. Not a clue.

 

‘’Morning sleepy head’’

 

That’s his door. Slamming shut. And there is Even.

 

Even. And Isak can’t help himself, he bursts into laughter. Even who is wearing Isak’s dressing gown and Chris’s Unicorn slippers, as he sits down on the bed in front of Isak and hands him a cup of coffee. Wriggling his feet over the side as Isak groans into his hands.

 

‘’My feet were cold OK? And Chris lent me these. She’s fucking hilarious Chris.’’

 

‘’No Disney nickname for Chris?’’ Isak asks. He tries not to smile. Tries desperately not to smile.

 

‘’Nah, Chris is far too cool for a nick name. She’s Girl-Chris. As supposed to Boy-Chris who lives with us upstairs.’’

 

‘’What about the rest of us? ‘’ Isak takes a sip of his coffee, letting the warm liquid coat his throat as Even leans in and steals the cup back.

 

Takes a long sip from the other side of the cup which makes Isak just raise an eyebrow. Whilst Even raises one back. Like he is saying ‘’So What? We share a bed, we can quite happily share a cup. Like normal people.’’ It’s just there is nothing normal about this. Nothing at all.

 

‘’Oh, we have the Ice Princess who treats everyone to the ice-cold stare, even though William upstairs has the biggest crush on her. He is like obsessed to the point that it’s embarrassing. He writes poetry about fair haired girls with red pouting lips. Someone needs to slap him. Or pretty much get him laid. Then there is Camp Rock.’’

‘’Camp-Rock?’’ Isak almost splutters out another gulp of coffee before Even rescues the cup and takes another sip.

‘’His name is Eskild I think? Fourth year Psychology dude? Camp as fuck but solid as a rock. He got Mikael out of a serious situation last year and Adam says if we ever say a bad word about him we will meet his fist down a dark alley. You don’t mess with Adam. So, Camp-Rock. Yup. We suck at these nicknames, don’t we?’’

Isak just nods. Mesmerized by Even who wriggles his feet again and steals the coffee cup for another sip before catching his breath.

‘’Then you have the Fake Bake girls, Ingrid and Sara. Full of shit both of them. Sorry if they are your friends but I can’t stand people like that. Brown like gingerbread men in the middle of winter, caked in make up and every thing coming out of their mouths is just ugly. And by the way I think Sara has a crush on you. She fucking shot daggers at me out there. Hates my guts now. Good riddance.’’

‘’Bullshit.’’ Isak spurts out and tries to take another sip of coffee out of the empty cup. Looking like an idiot no doubt, as Even hands him the bowl that has been sat in his other hand. Wriggles around fishing a spoon out of the dressing gown pocket, handing it to Isak with a triumphant grin.

Then practically lying himself down in Isak’s lap as he grabs a book from the desk and randomly starts to flick through it.

 

 

‘’I asked the girls to help me find your stuff. They said you eat birdseed and stuff for breakfast. With milk. No sugar. Sara said you are some kind of health nut and won’t eat sugar. I need to introduce you to Nugatti. On toast. With these Gingerbread Latte mixes that KB do, they’re like crack. Once you start you can’t stop.’’

‘’Sounds weird. Honestly? Gingerbread Coffee?’’ Isak scrunches his nose up, and Even just laughs at him. Even who’s stomach has gone all warm again. Because Isak is being all cute. He’s so fucking cute it’s actually making Even’s teeth hurt a little. Along with his cheeks that can’t seem to stop smiling.

‘’Do you like to read? Stuff like this?’’ Even is flicking aimlessly through the book. Some random poetry collection, full of broken people and jet black hearts.

‘’Sometimes.’’ Isak seems to relax back against the pillows, awkwardly scooping soggy muesli into his mouth. ‘’Reading other peoples fucked up thoughts makes me feel normal. Like my life isn’t as shit and hopeless as I think it is.’’

‘’What’s wrong with your life? You are acing it through Medical school, I mean Mahdi upstairs is in your class, he says you hardly take notes, and still pass every exam like it’s easy or something. You live in the coolest dorm on campus, with all the fun people, and I mean look at you. You could have anyone you wanted. You just have to smile and people….’’

 

He suddenly goes quiet and looks all worried again. Like he has said too much. Crossed the line.. Because he doesn’t want Isak to be angry at him. He doesn’t want to upset Isak. Full stop.

 

‘’They all think we’re shagging.’’ Isak blurts out. His voice low and gruff. ‘’That we have some kind of thing going on.’’

 

‘’Is that bad? I’m sorry if I have embarrassed you. I didn’t think. I thought… I just wanted to bring you some breakfast before I left. To say thank you. For letting me sleep with you again.’’ Even sits himself up again, his hair all over the place. And that terrified look back on his face.

 

‘’You didn’t sleep with me...’’ Isak starts then groans in frustration. ‘’Fuck my life is going to be hell now. They just don’t let things slide in this dorm, everything gets fucking blown out of proportion.’’

 

Even just sits there looking at his hands. His shoulders hunched as he starts to remove the dressing gown.

 

‘’I should go.’’ He says. ‘’Sorry I made things worse. I didn’t mean to.’’

 

‘’Don’t go. Sorry.’’ Isak is panicking. Please don’t leave. Please just sit here and talk to me. Make me feel like I am ok. Like this is fine. Because this is the most fine I have felt for a long time. Even thought I am totally fucked.

 

‘’It’s just I don’t know what I am doing Even. I have never had a girlfriend, never been with anyone. Fuck I have never even been kissed. That’s how much of a loser I am. And I don’t know how to deal with people thinking I am something I am not. I’m nothing. I am nobody. I don’t know what I am doing….’’ His voice tails off into nothing as Even’s hand lands on his shoulder. Strong and supporting. His voice low and kind.

 

‘’That doesn’t matter. What the fuck does it matter Isak? If it’s important to you I will help you. We can get you a both kissed and laid if that is what you want. I mean I owe you a favour. Hell, I owe you two favours. You let me sleep here twice...next to you, not with you. OK?'' His fingers are strong against Isak's bones. Warm. Even takes a deep breath. ''So, you need to keep track so you can cash in on all these things I will need to do to make this up to you. ‘’

 

‘’You don’t owe me anything.’’ Isak whispers. He can’t even begin to feel embarrassed anymore. This is just so way beyond embarrassing that its just plain awful. Awkward and stupid.

 

‘’Three favours. One more for embarrassing you in front of your friends out there. So, let me know what you want and I will make it happen. Promise. I am a damn good wingman, just ask Yousef and Magnus upstairs. I pretty much made Magnus lose his virginity a few years back. Pushed him onto this girl, and hey presto. They’re still together. I did good.’’ Even winks. Shakes Isak’s shoulder, his grip still firm against Isak’s skin. Burning through his thin t-shirt as Even lifts his chin up. A warm fingertip against his burning skin. 

 

‘’Chin up Disney Prince. We will get you kissed and laid in no time. OK?’’

 

Isak nods like a fool. And Even winks. And if Isak had looked carefully he might have noticed.

 

Because Even get’s up and wraps Isak’s dressing gown tighter around his shoulders. Picks up his hoodie of the floor and does a stupid salute towards Isak on the bed.

 

‘’See you around Disney Prince.’’

 

Then Even leaves, closing the door softly behind him.

 

He doesn’t let himself cry until he is safety in his room upstairs, naked in the shower with the far too hot water running over his body. He cries for being stupid. For being reckless and unkind. He cries.

Because he is about to lose the one thing he really wants. Because he wants Isak. And now he has just promised to help him. Help him get kissed. Get laid. Help him find someone else.

Because Isak obviously doesn’t want Even, he made that pretty clear. The anger and embarrassment radiating from his body like poison vapour in some fucked up sci-fi movie.

He needs to get going if he will make Graphics Lab before 9. Instead he curls up around Isak’s dressing gown and hopes that his body will let itself go back to sleep. Buries his nose of the scent of the man downstairs, the man with the terrified eyes and the sadness and all those stupid worries all tensed up in his shoulders.

 

Even wants to kiss them away. Hold him and shush him and tell him that it doesn’t fucking matter. Nothing fucking matters.

 

Because right now he feels. And for once he lets himself revel in it, however much it hurts. He feels. And it’s fucking painful.


	8. EIGHT

EIGHT

Isak is grateful for a lot of things, but right now he is just amazingly grateful for Christmas holidays. Christmas Holidays means people going home, the dorm falling quiet and people leaving him the fuck alone. 

Because the taunts haven’t stopped. Not that they mean to be mean or bully him or anything, but he can hear it in their voices. The little digs. Asking questions. The looks and winks. Even Eskild who usually has his back, can’t stop smiling at him like he knows all Isak’s secrets. 

He knows fuck all. Just like Isak. 

Noora gives him a hug as she walks out the door, her backpack slung over her shoulder and her hat pulled almost over her eyes. 

‘’Thank you’’ she whispers in his ear. ‘’Thank you for being everything I need right now. You are a good friend Isak. The best.’’ She taps her pocket where he has stuck the bag from the pharmacy. A new tube of cream, a little stronger and thicker as he knows she will struggle over the next couple of days. She is going back to the scene of the crime. Back to her parents who don’t understand. Back to her friends who expect her to be someone she hasn’t been for years. It’s hard. Isak knows. He knows because he doesn’t go back at all. 

‘’Merry Christmas Princess’’ He whispers back. ‘’Be strong. Breathe. And call me if you need me.’’

‘’I will’’ she smiles as she walks out the door. 

 

The dorm is quiet which is just the way Isak needs it to be as he curls up in bed. It’s been almost 5 days now and Isak has finally changed his sheets. Washed the scent and the memories and the fucked-up daydreams right out of his bed in time for Christmas. 

Along with the electric candle arch that he has plugged in on the windowsill and the cheap Christmas star he picked up at the Co-op along with his milk and sausages and a pack of meatballs. He should have bought some wine. Maybe a bottle of gløgg. He just couldn’t be bothered to join the ridiculous queues at Vinmonopolet along with the rest of Oslo shopping for their Christmas parties and festive treats. 

Well the Christmas star was a mistake, because you kind of need a nail to hang it on to make it hang in the window and Isak has neither a nail or a hammer so the pathetic looking paper star is just perched at the side of his desk looking sad and miserable in it’s sparkly glory. Typical him. He should just have let it go. Resigned himself to the fact that he is no good at any kind of interior design. Not like his mum who used to dress the house up like a show home, matching baubles and stars on the perfectly shaped fake Christmas tree, and a designer wreath from the posh florist in town hanging on their door. 

He hasn’t even got a candle to light. No Christmas cheer here. Not that Isak has anything to cheer about. His life is slowly returning to normal, and hopefully when people start to return in the new year everything will be forgotten. New dramas and gossip and the fact that someone thought Isak was shagging anyone will be yesterdays news. Done and dusted. 

Then there is the slamming of the front door and the clunk of the handle of the door to his room as it opens and closes with a bang. 

‘’Hi’’ 

Isak is has thought about this. He has made a plan in his head how he would tell Even to leave him alone. Find someone else to pester. Hell, he could even offer a good discount on a bed and bedding if it would keep Even away from him. Instead he sits in his bed with a piece of pizza dangling out of his mouth, staring at Even like he is some apparition of Jesus Christ himself on the night before Christmas. 

Even who throws himself down on Isak’s bed like he belongs there. Curls around and shuffles the pillows under his head like he does. On his side of the bed Isak thinks. Like he now has his own side of Isak’s bed. Like this is a thing. 

‘’Hi’’ He stutters out. The pizza in his mouth tasting like cardboard.

‘’You still here? Not heading home for Christmas?’’

‘’Nope’’ Isak tries to sound cheerful. Indifferent. 

‘’Why the hell not? Where are your parents?’’

‘’Mindfulness retreat somewhere in Sweden. They go every year. Then they come back all zen and chill for the new year and get piss drunk with all their friends. Beats me why they do it but it’s not my kind of thing. They did offer.’’ Isak hasn’t said so many words in one go for days and he has to catch his breath before continuing. ‘’So, I’m staying here. I’m finally going to watch that Stranger Things thing on Netflix and work on my Genealogy paper. I’m a looser Even. Get used to it.’’

He doesn’t mean to sound snarky. But it’s been 5 days and Isak is a little pissed off. Not that he fully understands why. He doesn’t understand shit. But hey. What’s new?

‘’Sorry’’ Even says. Just like that. 

‘’Sorry for what?’’ Isak turns to face him. He looks like he is a mess. Like he has been crying. And Isak’s stomach knots into a ball of angst. He should have noticed. He should have fucking noticed.

‘’For messing shit up. I just can’t help it, it seems.’’

‘’You haven’t messed anything up Even. Chill. It’s Christmas. Are you going home?’’ Isak is begging here. Don’t get too deep. Don’t ask. Don’t make this messier than it is. Just let this slide. Let me just… He doesn’t know what he is on about in his head anymore. It’s like his brain stops functioning when Even turns up. Like he totally looses control of himself. 

''Pizza?'' Isak offers, lamely holding out the plate where a cold piece of plastic cheese covered cardboard lingers.

''No thanks.'' Even mutters and shuffles nervously. His legs keep moving trying to get comfortable. His breath all strained.

‘’I still owe you a load of favours, and here I am like some jerk needing to ask you for some more.’’

 

Because Even has been agonizing for days camping out in his bed wearing Isak’s dressing gown that now doesn’t smell anything like Isak. It now smells like Even’s sweat and a little bit like stale milk after he spilled his latte all over himself crying into his phone whilst his Mum was trying to send virtual hugs to him over the airways. He needs to give it back to Isak. He was going to wash it and then sneak down here in the middle of the night and rub it all over Isak, so he could steal it back and sleep with it at night. 

Well that genius idea didn’t work because the laundry room was fully booked all weekend. 

So here he is. Going all in for the real thing instead. Like the idiot he is. And heading head first into a guaranteed shitstorm of a disaster as he pulls out his Mum’s genius plan B.

‘’Shoot. What do you need?’’ Isak tries to smile. Tries to be normal. No problems mate. I can do you a favour. It’s fine. It’s nothing.  
Except nothing is fine. 

‘’Can I stay with you tonight? Please? I will sneak out before anyone sees me in the morning. I just need to sleep and I sleep better with you. In your bed. I love your bed.’’

‘’You have a fucked-up relationship with my bed.’’ Isak laughs. He hopes it comes out as the joke he intends it to be. He doesn’t really want to think about what he really wants to say. Not really.

‘’Yeah. I have a thing for your bed.’’ Even’s hands come up and he rubs his eyes. Wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and sinks back down under the covers. ‘’Can I stay?’’

‘’Of course. Always.’’ Isak sighs. Truly. He has no willpower. He should tell Even to fuck off. To grow the fuck up and stop messing with Isak’s head. 

‘’That’s four favours I owe you. Probably five after I ask the other thing I was going to ask.’’

‘’Should I be worried?’’ Isak’s mouth is speaking way ahead of his brain here. He’s not like this. He doesn’t speak to people like this. It’s just Even does something to him. Makes him kind of loose all his inhibitions. Like he feels he can speak. Like Even wont judge all the crap that comes out of Isak’s mouth. Like he just smiles at him, like whatever he has said is the most adorable shit ever. Seriously. 

‘’I want you to come home with me for Christmas. It will be fun. Just my Mum and Dad and Uncle Asbjørn and my sisters and their kids. It’s pretty lame but there is always loads of food and we all play all these board games and watch Christmas specials on Eurosport. It’s safe. Easy. Chill. I never bring anyone with me but It would be nice to have the company, someone I can hang out with instead of just building Lego and playing Labyrinth until I pass out from Caffeine withdrawal. My parents don’t drink caffeine. It’s pretty painful.’’

This is the part where Isak says Thanks. But no thanks. This is the part where he keeps his anxieties in check and knows how much his body can take. This is the part where his brain swirls in his head finding imaginary hurdles and thinks up every excuse there is to say no. He doesn’t do parties. He doesn’t do strangers. He especially doesn’t do Even Bech Næsheim and his family and Christmas and all that. He just doesn’t.

 

‘’Ok’’ his mouth says. Whilst his brain screams blue murder in his head and his hands shake. Whilst Even’s face is lit up like the sun. Smiling like Isak has just offered him the moon and the stars.

 

‘’Bring your running gear, we have this amazing track in the forest out the back of the garden. 5 k of snow-covered ski tracks, but people run on the side. It’s pretty well trodden at Christmas so you can get a nice run in. It will be great. Thank you.’’ 

‘’Ok’’ Isak says again. His mouth dry and his brain scrambling. Instead he reaches out and switches off the light. Hides in the safety of darkness as Even fidgets around with the duvet again. His feet nudging Isak’s making him jump. 

‘’Sorry’’ Even whispers. 

‘’Go to sleep’’ Isak whispers back. 

‘’We need to leave at 4 tomorrow evening, would that work? I have some stuff to do in the morning and there is a train at 5, which brings us home in time for dinner. ‘’

‘’OK’’ Isak says. Because right now he has lost all ability to speak, let alone form any coherent thoughts. He needs to get up and brush his teeth. Lock his door. Bang his head against the wall in agony over his own stupidity. 

‘’OK’’ Even says. ‘’Sleep well my Disney Prince.’’

Isak swallows the laughter that brews in his throat. He is no one’s fucking Disney prince. He is nobody. He’s fucking nothing. Instead he reaches out and clumsily pat’s Even’s shoulder. A little pat. Warm skin under the palm of his hand. 

‘’Night Night Even from Upstairs.’’ He whispers. 

There is no reply. Only the soft breaths of the man next to him in the bed.


	9. NINE

 

NINE - 23 December

 

He has been true to his word Isak thinks as he wakes up, scrambled diagonally across the bed with his feet sticking out over the edge and the duvet wrapped around his waist like some oversized nappy. Looking like a twat no doubt.

 

At least he is alone. Which he can’t quite figure out if it is good or bad. Sad or just pathetic.

 

Instead he runs for over an hour whilst his knees scream and his thoughts align in the neat little rows in his head where he likes them. He can do this. He can survive this. It will be what? A day and a bit? He can always fake an emergency and get the hell out of there. It can’t be that bad. It will be OK.

 

At least the dorm is deserted as he moves his laptop out in the kitchen and makes himself write a few pages of Genealogy: developing research, facts and figures, letting his mind rest whilst the ease of studying takes over. It’s almost like zoning out of the real world. Letting his brain do all the work whilst the facts dance on the screen in front of him. It’s easy. Controlled. Making perfect sense.

 

Not like Even who is random and frankly a little bit weird. Why the hell Isak? What the hell does he want?

 

He shrugs his shoulders and tries to make his brain go back into gear. Get this paper finished. He’s close. He is fucking close. Just a few more pages.

 

He get’s nothing done. And by 3.30 he is fully dressed with his knitted hat pulled over his head and the scarf around his neck strangling him in the heat inside. He has packed a bag. Had a full-blown panic attack because he has nothing to bring to Even’s parents. Not even a pathetic box of chocolates. So now he paces the room and hopes he will have time to grab something random and impersonal at the central station that he can pretend he has actually thought about.

 

His mother hates those kinds of gifts. She buys thoughtful personal gifts for people. Things with bespoke embroidered names in rustic stitching on organically dyed fabric that she wraps in colour-coordinated tissue paper with proper fabric bows. She would die in shame if she knew he was even contemplating buying a box of cheap chocolates from the newsagents at the central station.

But it’s not like Isak has a choice. Nothing is open on December 23. Normal people are home preparing for Christmas Eve, cooking and wrapping and being all festive and shit. Whilst Isak is hyperventilating and sweating like it’s summer wearing his winter jacket.

 

By 4 he gives up and walks out side. There is no movement upstairs. No slamming of doors. No loud footfall in the stairwell outside. So, he walks out the front of the building, letting his boots make virgin tracks in the new snow. Soft flakes falling silently in the dark winter air.

He stands there for a moment just taking it all in, the oversized flakes falling in random patterns. The silence. The soft orange glow of the streetlights making the world seem slightly magical. Steeped in some spell that makes everything seem soft and quiet.

 

‘’It’s amazing if you lie down and look up. It’s like looking into eternity. Just flakes appearing out of nowhere hurtling down towards earth. Come. Come lie down with me.’’

Isak has always suspected that Even is a little bit strange. That he does all these random things that normal people just wouldn’t dream of. Like throwing your bags on the ground and lying flat on your back in the snow so you can stare up at the dark sky.

 

‘’Come on. Lie down with me.’’ Even urges, patting the snow next to him with his gloved hand.

 

And Isak does it. Because why the hell not. It’s not like anyone is watching. He folds himself down in the snow, stretching his jeans clad legs out. Kicks his feet around in the snow.

It’s cold. His bum starting to ache from the cold and wetness seeping through the cotton fabric of his jeans. He should have worn long johns. Like normal people. He knows how to dress in winter. But he get’s too hot inside and too cold outside and he….He needs to stop thinking so much as Even waves his arms backwards and forwards in the snow.

 

‘’In this bed of snowflakes we lie. The soft cool bedding that falls from the sky.’’ Even reads out, his voice all theatrical.

 

‘’Is that a real poem?’’ Isak laughs. Even is right though. Looking up at the snowflakes hurtling towards you is quite cool. Totally zen. Mesmerizing. Even though his bum is now wet.

 

‘’Nah. Just made it up to impress you. Kind of taking you out to lie in the snow and read poetry to you. Proper posh shit.’’ Even laughs. ‘’But seriously Isak, I read something once, about snowflakes being nature’s most fragile creation, but look what they can do when you squash them together. ‘’

He picks up handfuls of snow, squashing them between his hands to form a ball. ‘’Hard as Ice. Tough as anything. Just like people. Never underestimate people Isak. We may be weak on our own, but together, with the right person. Well nothing can touch us. Love does that to people. You find your person, that person who just makes you strong. Makes you happy. Makes you light. Invincible. Like you’re floating on air. Do you know what I mean?’’ Even just looks at him. His face full of honesty. Of questions. Of kindness. All those things that makes Isak feel a little strange. Like he can’t stop looking back. And he can’t form a single coherent thought in his head.

 

So Isak just nods. Even is slightly ridiculous lying there in the snow. Talking about love like he knows all the secrets of the universe.

 

‘’We need to get going. When did you say the train was?’’ Isak is now cold. Wet. Getting a little bit uncomfortable just lying here with Even staring at him.

 

‘’Shit. Forgot. We better move. Come on Disney Prince.’’ Even scrambles to his feet, reaching his hand out to grab Isak’s. Pulling him up from the snow leaving two pretty random snow angels behind on the ground.

‘’I forgot to make wings on mine.’’ Isak laughs and points at the ground where the outline of his arms make his snow angel look like a stick insect. Whilst Even has waved his arms around making perfect wings around the outline of his body.

 

 

 

 

‘’You’re perfect as you are.’’ Even says and wraps his hands around Isak’s face. ‘’Promise me one thing Isak.’’ He just stands there, with his cold gloves on Isak’s cheeks. Looking at him with that look again. The one that makes Isak’s stomach all nervous. The one that makes his hands shake. The one that seems to calm the storms raging inside his chest.

 

‘’Promise me that this Christmas you are just you. Don’t pretend to be something you are not. Because it’s exhausting, believe me. I know what it’s like. I spend most of my life pretending to be this person that is so far removed from who I really am, and It just drains your soul. My mum would say that it rots your heart. She’s strange. You will love her. Anyway. Just be you Isak. Everyone will love you. Just as you are. So, no pretending. No trying to be polite and perfect and all that. Just chill with me. Just hang out and do Christmas. With me. Being me. OK?’’

 

Isak nods again. Like he knows what he is agreeing to. When in reality Isak hasn’t got a clue what Even is on about. Like usual. Because how can he be anything but himself? He is who he is. He’s a mess.

 

‘’I know what you are thinking. So just switch off all the thoughts Isak. You get all these little lines on your forehead when you are worried. Anxious. When you think I am pulling a fast one on you. I am not. I like you. And I want to hang out with you. I just hope you want to hang out with me too. And that you will still speak to me in two days’ time after surviving the Bech Næsheim family Christmas.’’

 

He winks. Winks and pulls Isak in for a hug. Wraps his arms tightly around his body in the middle of the street. Outside Dorm 212. The snow falls around them and the muffled sound of a car starting up is the only thing piercing the silence.

 

So Isak gives in. For once he doesn’t give a fuck. He hugs Even back. Let’s his arms wrap around his waist, letting his face drown in Even’s scarf, as Even’s breath is steady and strong against his cheek. They stand there for what feels like hours. It’s probably just a minute. But Isak doesn’t want to let go. And Even pulls his phone out of his pocked and checks the time.

 

‘’We need to go Disney Prince. Let’s go do Christmas.’’

 

He picks up his backpack from the ground. Grabs the large shopping bag next to it, bursting with neatly wrapped parcels, as they start walking in towards town.

‘’I haven’t got anything for your parents.’’ Isak starts but Even just laughs.

‘’I bought them something from us. It’s fine. Just relax Isak. Don’t stress about anything. OK?’’

And for the first time Isak smiles. Let’s his shoulder nudge Even’s arm as they cross the road. He nudges Isak back. Just a friendly little nudge. A reminder that they’re OK.

 

And Isak thinks this might just be OK. He might be OK. It’s just two days. Two nights.

 

It will be OK. It has to be.

 


	10. TEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the love, and gorgeous kind comments. xxxx

TEN

What Even should have done was plan. Booked his train tickets ahead of time using his nifty student card for a good discount and seats. Because of course when you rock up on December 23 along with the rest of Norway trying to get to Moss, you are not going to get anywhere in comfort.

Moss. The Godforsaken coastal town that Even calls home. Well he used to hate it. The small-town gossip and the suburban blandness of the street where he grew up. Now he kind of likes it. In some fucked up way. 

So instead of being the perfect gentleman offering his Disney Prince a seat and a cup of coffee in the warmth of a padded seat en route to his humble palace, they find themselves squashed in the door entryway sharing the wet slushy floor-space with a pram, a tiny yapping dog and about 10 random people. Well at least they got on. And they will be home for dinner. Even sighs and leans into Isak. Just shoves him a little. Checking that he is OK. He seems to be. Calm and quiet fiddling with the gloves in his hands. 

‘’You OK?’’ he says. Quietly. 

‘’Yeah’’ Isak replies. He smiles, but it’s one of those nervous smiles. He is shit scared. And Even doesn’t blame him. Fuck if this was Even being dragged home to Isak’s parents for Christmas, he would be locked in the on-board toilet by now, dry retching into the steel sink and praying for a divine miracle.

Isak is brave. He is the bravest person Even has ever met. Nothing like Even who hides and dodges bullets left right and centre. Even pretends when he should be real. He lies when he should be honest. At least he has his family, and to be honest his family are bloody awesome. 

‘’My parents are kind of over-grown hippies.'' he starts. He thinks if he can just keep talking, spilling verbal diahorrea for an hour, then neither of them will have to think about what they are actually doing. ''They're both a little weird and wacky. Dad is a primary school teacher. He spends his days singing ABC songs and crawling around on his hands and knees on the floor with his pupils. The kids adore him. I wasn’t allowed to be in his class when I started school so I had to have Gunhilde, who was about 100 years old. We would sit there in silence doing our letters and numbers with her, when all we could hear were the kids in Dad’s class screaming and running and laughing. It felt like a punishment. Everyone wanted to be in my Dad’s class.’’

Even has to take a deep breath, talking too fast whilst the train carriage shakes with the speed through a curve. 

‘’Mum, has this craft shop down town, full of local crafts for the tourists. She also runs the Christmas market and is heavily into healing and alternative therapies. She’s all about spreading love and kisses and hugging strangers and trees and all sorts. She will hug you to death and insist you call her Mum. Just tell her to back off if it get’s too much. Or wink at me and I will go put her on ‘’time out’’ in the corner.''

Even lets a little laugh escape and Isak wipes his nose with the back of his hand. Another nervous little twitch Even keeps noticing. 

‘’You’re OK.’’ He whispers and leans his head over towards Isak’s. Let’s their heads hang together for a little while. Just catching his breath. 

Isak will be OK. It’s Even who might just break. Because he is falling a little bit more in love with this ridiculous boy next to him, every day. Every hour. Every minute he spends with Isak makes his stomach twist in agony. There are so many things that can go wrong this Christmas. So many little innocent words that will spill out of peoples mouths that will give him away. One little word, and it will all be game over. And if Even lays his cards on the table and Isak runs in fear, or even worse says those words that Even fears the most. The rejection. The lame excuses. The very sensible excuses. 

He knows OK? Isak is human. And Isak has every right to say, Hey, I just don’t feel like that about you. Because in all probability Isak is straight. It would be just his luck. For the first time ever, his heart is all in. His cock is twitching at the thought of just being brave enough to steal a quick kiss from those lips next to him. Instead he watches as Isak rubs his nose again. Shuffles nervously on the floor. 

‘’Almost home’’ he says, trying to sound cheerful and happy, and Isak throws him another tense little smile. ‘’15 more minutes’’. 

15 more minutes. Maybe 30 more minutes alone with Isak. He will just have to make the most of it.

They walk through town, the streets quiet and just a few cars driving slowly away from the station. Even has walked this route more times than he cares to remember. His head clogging with memories and scenes from his misspent youth. He has rumbled around here with kids he used to know. People who used to mean something to him who he now struggles to even remember.

‘’The fist time I got drunk I threw up behind the bench over there.’’ He points and blushes in shame. Way to go Even, trying to show off the quaint coastal town. Hoping that Isak will fall in love with this little place and maybe come back. 

‘’I need to bring you back in summer, when the place is full of tourists, and the park here has a little stage where bands play on a Friday night and people come and dance. It’s mostly older people having a little wiggle, and the bands suck, but it’s entertaining. We used to just sit here with a beer and watch the world go by. And the beaches are amazing. We could have a barbecue on the rocks and just sit there and chill until we get cold and then pitch a tent and just sleep next to the water. I used to love that.’’

‘’I’ve never slept in a tent.’’ Isak laughs. ‘’My parents aren’t the camping type.’’

‘’What are your parents like?’’ Even let’s his arm nudge Isak’s again. He needs to know he can. That Isak is still his friend. Whatever happends. Hopefully. Please God, let Isak still be his friend by tomorrow. 

‘’Dad is the CEO for Hästen Beds Norway division, and Mum is a Neurosurgeon. ‘’ Isak shrugs his shoulders.

‘’No shit!’’ Even’s mouth is wide open. ‘’Seriously?’’

Isak just nods. ‘’So, no pressure on me then. I want to go into paediatrics I think. Maybe dermatology. Haven’t quite studied enough to figure it all out. But then if it all goes to shit I can always flog beds. I would probably be good at that. ‘’

Even’s laugh echoes between the houses, on the little road leading up towards a wooded area. Snow falling in small neat flakes around them as they walk. The houses are all lit up, stars and candles in the windows. Open flamed marshall-pots sitting in the snow along the road and a headless snowman gracing the turning area where the road turns into a small track into the forest. 

‘’The cross-country Ski track starts here, just follow the tracks, it’s about 4.5 k until you pop back out at the top of the clearing up there, where that streetlight is. ‘’ Even is pointing and Isak is craning his neck to see. 

‘’And the red building over there is Hoppern Skole, where I went to school and my Dad teaches. And here we are. Home Sweet Home. Welcome to Villa Bech Naesheim.''

It's nothing special Isak thinks. Just a bog standard wooden freestanding house like all the others in the road. Snow piled deep around the driveway and a Volvo on the drive. But there are candles in every window and red showy curtains and lit paper stars and candle arches everywhere. The house just screams Christmas. Family. All the things that Isak's house never screams. His parents neat house screams perfection. It screams 'look at us were pretty god damn perfect'. When they're not really. His Dad works too much, His mum is a bossy perfectionist half the time only to decend into neurotic mess after a glass of wine, too worried about what her friends think and say and do, and Isak. Well there is no hope for Isak. 

''There will be no peace and quiet from now on, but I promise they are all good people. Well Uncle Asbjørn will ask you all kinds of questions and My Sister Emmy will interrogate you like a pro, but …’’ Even quietens as Isak’s eyes are once again wide with fear. He doesn’t mean to do this. He knows he is overwhelming at the best of times but, God, he just wants Isak to have fun. To be loved. He wants Isak to feel what he feels whenever he is home, like he is cuddled up in this warm fleecy blanket of love and where nothing in the world can hurt you. Apart from Lego bricks on the stairs and his Dad’s over spicy mulled wine. 

So, he does the only thing he can do. He wraps Isak up in a hug. Scoops him up and buries his face in Isak’s scarf. The scarf that smells of soap and awesome beds and warm duvets and pillows that feel like clouds against your skin. 

‘’If it all get’s to much, just tap me on the arm. One tap means, ‘’help me I am struggling’’. Two taps mean ‘’Get me out of here now.’’ And tree taps. That is full red alert. And I promise I will get you out of the house and have you back in your own bed within the hour. What ever the cost. OK?’’

‘’Even, I am not a child.’’ Isak sounds a little annoyed. 

‘’I know. But …. I don’t know. I just don’t want you to worry. ‘’

‘’I’m not worried.’’ Isak lies. There are so many little frown lines on his face that It’s Even is a little bit concerned. Also, his shoulders are practically up by his ears and his jaw is locked. He is terrified. As Even would be. 

‘’Come on. Let’s get this over with so we can go sit on the sofa with some of my Dad’s home-made gløgg. It’s pretty lethal. ‘’

Isak tries to smile again but his teeth are kind of stuck to his tongue. His mouth is dry and his hands are clenching into fists. 

And Even wraps his arms around him. Rubs his hands over his back, steady hard strokes through his thick jacket. 

‘’I’ve got you Isak. I’ve got your back. Always.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marshaller are outdoor candles, thick wicks set in slowburning metal pots that you place outside your house in the snow to bring cheer and a party atmosphere to the house when you are expecting guests or at Christmas. If there is snow you might even build a pyramid of snow balls around them to make a snow lantern. 
> 
> I used to bring them to the UK and light them outside our house, but the neighbours were horrified. One neighbour came an knocked on my door and said if I didn't remove them she would ring the fire department as I was clearly going to burn the neighbourhood down. 
> 
> I gave up after that. 
> 
> Gløgg, is scandi mulled wine. It's much sweeter and the spices softer than ''Mulled wine''. There are alcohol free varieties which are basically spiced cordial, red and white wine varieties, and the king of them all, hard liquor based ones. You drink them in rustic festive mugs with raisins and almonds. This year you can even buy ''Sparkling gløgg''.....


	11. ELEVEN

ELEVEN

To be honest Isak doesn’t know what he was worried about. Not with the smells from the kitchen and the noise and the warmth that is overwhelming every sense in him. He should be feeling uncomfortable and nervous. 

Instead he is wrapped up in Even’s Mum’s arms and she has been talking to him non stop for the last 10 minutes whilst stirring the meatballs in the pan in front of her with one arm, and holding Isak tightly in a never-ending hug with the other, whilst simultaneously shouting out instructions to the many random people who have kissed his cheek and shook his hand and hugged him until he was starting to panic and Even’s mum pushed him into her chest and told him that she would protect him from all these lunatics. And by the way isn’t he the most handsome boy she has eve met? Then she had laughed at Even and told him he had done good. Finally. 

Isak doesn’t even remember half of the things she is talking about, just standing there being squeezed awkwardly to death by this tall woman with her hair in a messy bun on her head, who smells of baking and meatballs and a little bit of perfume and something that Isak kind of thinks reminds him of home. Like one of his Mums scented candles. The ones she buys online from America with weird names like Marshmallow Mistletoe and Mahogany Teakwood. 

‘’Mum, for heaven’s sake let go of Even’s boyfriend. He is not yours to keep however much you try to hog him. Now let him go so I can check him out. ‘’ 

The woman talking looks a little frightening. In a good way. A female version of Even, with the same soft curls in her hair and those stunning blue eyes that Even shares. 

‘’Hi Handsome’’ She purrs and gives him a double cheek kiss that completely throws Isak as he ends up with a mouthful of hair and her hands around his face. ‘’You weren’t wrong Evy, he does look like Prince Charming.’’ 

She throws her head back in laughter and Even, well Even has gone bright red. Looking like he wants to die when all Isak can do is smile. Because this Even is so far removed from the king of the Plastics in 212:B that Isak can’t quite get a grasp of it all. There is nothing of that Even here, just a tall boy with a red face and his floppy fringe covering his eyes as he nervously chews on the nail on his thumb and won’t even look anywhere in Isak’s direction. 

When Isak is secretly feeling quite OK. He shouldn’t be. But how can he not with all this love around him? 

‘’I’m Elise, Even’s sister. Well one of them. Emmy is upstairs changing the baby, you will meet her soon. And this bloke in the corner there is my Hubby Oscar, the one peeling potatoes. This one here:'' She says and grabs one of the whirlwinds flying through the kitchen, by the neck of his bright Christmas jumper, ''is Ludwig. He’s mine.'' She plants a loud kiss on his head and lets go of the boy in time for the kid to do a full-on jump into Even’s arms screaming ‘’UNCLE EEEEEVVVEN’’ at the top of his voice. Then there is another boy, who Isak gets told is Lukas, and then everyone is talking about Lukas front tooth having fallen out, and Isak stands in the middle of the kitchen, feeling like he is in some kind of surreal sitcom. 

‘’Are you good at Lego?’’ a little voice comes from behind him. It’s a girl, well her long hair gives her away, but she is wearing a batman costume and holding a box of some kind of purply coloured Lego thing. With sparkly glitter things and what Isak thinks might be fairies. Or Elves. 

‘’Yeah?’’ he questions.  
‘’Good. Then you can help me.’’ She says and drags him off into the hallway. 

He hasn’t even seen the rest of the house, but the living room is large and open plan, with a Christmas tree and more candles and random decorations. Knitted Santas on the sofa, where an elderly man is snoring loudly. A surly teenager in a black hoodie is on his phone under a blanket next to him, and a man, who rises and shakes Isak’s hand, with a cheerful ‘’Holger, Emmy’s hubby’’ as the girl tugs at him to sit down on the floor. 

‘’I’m only six so I can’t read the instructions. You have to help me.’’ She says and holds the box up to Isak to open.

‘’You don’t need to read Lego Instructions idiot’’ the teenager grunts and Isak twists the box around. Fuck he can’t even figure out how to open it.

‘’There’’ the girl points. Ah. Open here. 

‘’Are you Even’s boyfriend? ‘’ The teenager asks. He doesn’t even look up from his phone. Just keeps tapping away with his thumb. 

‘’We live next door to each other, or, his dorm, is upstairs from mine. Kind of.’’ Isak starts, and then goes quiet. 

‘’Cool.’’ The kid says and sighs. ‘’Are you gay? I suppose you must be if you’re his boyfriend.’’

‘’Linus!!’’ the man Isak thinks was Holger shouts out. ‘’That’s an intrusive question to ask. Love is Love, whatever we call it. Granny will be so cross if you hear her speaking to Isak like that. ‘’

‘’Granny is Pansexual, she told me. And she says we should ask questions if we have them. She said it’s bad for the soul to keep secrets.’’ The kid who is Linus hasn’t once looked up from his phone, and Isak doesn’t know where to look. What to say. 

‘’Sorry about Linus, he is very direct. It’s a Naesheim trait. Just like his mother. Have you met Emmy yet?’’ Holger looks genuinely mortified, and Isak just shakes his head. His cheeks burning.

‘’My wife is a police investigator. No stone will be uncovered. I hope Even warned you that she will probably drag you off in a corner and hook you up to a lie detector at some point and ask you invasive questions about your intentions with her brother. It’s just who she is. ‘’ Holger shrugs his shoulders and turns back to the TV where a ski-jumper spectacularly crashes into a pile of snow in a festive Eurosport medley of best Ski-jump crashes of 2017. Along the tune of some festive Christmas one hit wonder. 

‘’Isak! Concentrate! Look I found the head! This is the chief Elf. She’s called Star. I decided. I want to be called Star. Or Sparkle. Which do you prefer? Star or Sparkle?’’ The little girl tugs at his arm holding up a deranged looking Lego Elf. Complete with pointy ears and pink hair. 

‘’What’s your name? Your real name?’’ Isak tries to sound cheerful when his brain is all over the place. Scrambling to gather his thoughts. His hands shaking a little again. 

‘’Emilia’’ she laughs. We all have names starting with E or L. It’s soooo boooring. ‘’ 

‘’E names are awesome’’ Even says and throws himself on the sofa next to the elderly man who wakes up with a cough. 

‘’Hey Uncle A! Whass up?’’ Even laughs and fist bumps the man who laughs like a Santa. A deep bellied laugh with a warm smile and twinkly eyes under the thick rimmed glasses perched on his nose. 

‘’Oh, same same my boy. How is University treating you?’’

‘’All good. All good. ‘’ Even looks at Isak and smiles. Nods. Doing that little look again. The one where he checks if Isak is OK. 

‘’And the young man on the floor here, is this your Disney Prince?’’ Uncle Asbjørn chuckles. ‘’the golden-haired boy you have your heart set on?’’

And suddenly Even looks like he wants to die. His face crunched up in embarrassment. Fear. Like his clothes have disappeared and he is suddenly stark naked on the sofa for the world to see. 

‘’You’re right, he’s a handsome boy.’’ Uncle Asbjørn chuckles. ‘’Now Even be a good lad and go get me a cup of your Dad’s Gløgg. I could do with one before dinner. Is that ham cooked yet?’’ Then he points at the TV where another skier has just crashed and burned. ‘’Hooo, that one will have hurt!’’

I lasted an hour, Even thinks. Well not even one hour. Less than one hour into Christmas before he was outed and his feelings laid bare. He didn’t even get one hour of feeling like everything was fine in the world. One hour until things went to shit and Isak started looking at him with that look.

The one that says ‘’What the fuck is wrong with you man? What the hell is going on?’’

ELEVEN And A half......

Somehow, as if by magic, they all fit around the table in the kitchen. And somehow Isak gets squeezed in between Emilia and Lukas or Ludwig or whatever the kid’s name is. Frankly Isak is struggling with all of the names, but everyone is talking non-stop at the table so somehow, he feels OK. Like he is not expected to talk. Like it’s OK to just sit here and follow the conversation that criss crosses across the table like a Ping-Pong match. The topics changing with every breath and bowls of food being passed around. There are candles in every window. Christmas music softly filling the background noise and Even across the table looking like someone has died. 

Isak tries. He tries to look at him. Tries to catch his eye but he keeps chickening out and looking away when Even occasionally does look his way. He doesn’t know fuck right now. Doesn’t understand anything. 

He doesn’t get why Even’s family seem to know all these things that Isak doesn’t even know. Are they boyfriends? Is that even a thing? And when the hell did that happen, because as far as Isak knows, Even is into girls. Isn’t he? 

He shakes his head in frustration. Answers the questions fielded at him. Awkwardly discusses medicine with who he thinks is Emmy’s husband and laughs with everyone else at Elise’s stories from the school where she is councillor. Dealing with thug teenagers trying to be gangland heroes and ending up in her office crying in shame.

She’s funny. Loud and theatrical, where Emmy is quieter, with a firm stare. Like she undresses you with her eyes and makes you spill every secret in your head. Well Isak just nods. Hoping he is polite as plates get cleared from the table and the discussion has moved on to the royal family and the outrageous price hitch of petrol. In the same sentence. 

The kids have disappeared from the table and Isak shuffles over as Even gets moved to the chair next to him to make space for his mum’s apparently epic gingerbread loaf cake. Which apparently has a coin hidden inside it. Whoever get’s the slice with the coin, gets the first Christmas present of the year. And it’s usually epic. Linus declares, still nose deep in his phone. 

Even who doesn’t speak. He just sits there. Breathing quietly and chewing on that damn fingernail again. Even who has spent the whole afternoon making Isak calm. Hugging him and talking to him and making everything seem so easy. Yet now he looks broken. 

So Isak reaches out. He doesn’t even quite know what he means to do, but he reaches under the table. Finds the hand that is resting on Even’s leg and awkwardly places his hand on top. Just softly feeling the skin underneath his palm. 

He hadn’t really thought this through. It’s not like he can ask. It’s not like him and Even speak about things like that. They barely know each other, fuck he barely knows this guy at all and here he is sitting in the warmth of a kitchen laughing at some woman howling with laughter over some American tourist coming into the shop wanting to buy a moose. Not a stuffed moose. Not one of the many souvenir moose made by local craftsmen that Even’s mum speaks highly off. No, this woman wanted to buy a live moose. Thought it would make an excellent exotic pet for her ranch in Texas. 

From a gift shop. 

Even’s mum even does the American accent, apologizing for her bad theatrical skills and reassuring everyone that she adores the American tourists but that this one was a one off who had clearly lost the plot. 

Isak laughs. And let’s his fingers tangle in Even’s grip. His thumb stroking the skin on the outside of Even’s hand. 

And Even breathes out. A long-outdrawn breath, as the tension in his shoulders seem to sink into the chair beneath him. 

‘’Thank God for that baby boy.’’ Even’s Mum reaches over and strokes Even’s cheek. ‘’Whatever was worrying you was turning your aura all fuzzy. It’s better now. Much better darling. Isak, he just needed you. I can tell. You are so good for him, I have just met you, but I see it. You are just like Even described you.’’

She smiles at him. A smile that makes Isak’s stomach all warm.

‘’How did he describe me?’’ Isak asks quietly. He doesn’t dare to look at Even. 

‘’He said you were perfect. And I agree. You are pretty perfect darling boy.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will make it up to you, I promise, It will all be worth it in the end. This darn slow burn is killing me too....


	12. TWELVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am working this week, with night shifts and timezone jumps so bear with me with the updates. I will update in the middle of the night if I can't do the usual morning update, so you will still get your morning fix, promise.

TWELVE

Even wonders if this was just a big mistake. It’s not the first time he has taken a situation and turned it into something completely different in his head and then run head first into a mess of a shitstorm that will end in an epic crash and burn. There is no doubt about it. 

He sees Isak. He does. He knows Isak gets anxious in social situations. He knows his family is a lot to deal with, however lovely and funny and wonderful they all are. 

Isak has done well. He notices. He sees how Isak keeps looking at him, then averting his gaze when he looks back. How the frown lines on his forehead are deep cuts in his skin. How his thoughts are churning in his head like rollercoasters. Up and down. One minute he looks OK, the next minute he looks panic stricken. 

At least he held his hand. And at that moment Even got grounded into the soil of the earth like a stake. Like every single worry in his mind disappeared. Isak held his hand, stroked his skin and Even had to really control himself not to purr like a cat and throw his arms around Isak and bury his face in his neck. Which is all he wants to do. 

It’s so bloody confusing. 

Love is supposed to be easy. You are supposed to find that person and you fall in love and you hold each other and kiss and live happily ever after. 

Well Even has ended up in the wrong bloody love story. He is stuck in the one full of angst and worries and confusion and pain. Lots of pain. 

He asked the universe for this. Begged for it. He even prayed that whoever was in charge up there would find him someone that would make him feel like this. Desperate. 

He can’t even think straight as he helps his Dad clear the kitchen table, loading things randomly in the dishwasher whilst his Dad chuckles softly and removes the packet of butter that Even has mindlessly placed in the basket next to the dirty dishes. 

‘’Even, Go up to bed. You are shattered. Enough. ‘’ His Dad strokes his cheek. Ruffles his hair.

‘’Yeah. Maybe.’’ Even hadn’t even thought that far. He was so excited about bringing Isak home and doing something nice for him. This Christmas was going to be epic. I mean it’s perfectly normal to bring a friend home and hang out and do lots of silly things at Christmas. It’s cool. It’s normal. 

What is not so normal is probably what Even has totally brought on himself. He is pretty much aware that all he has talked about for the last six months is. Well. Isak. He has told his family everything about Isak. Constantly. They all know. Everyone knows. 

Except Isak. 

Even is an idiot. Fact. What the hell was he thinking. 

And now all that remains is for Isak to tap Even on the arm. Three times. Tap Tap Tap. And it will all be over.

He promised. And Even is good at keeping promises. If Isak is freaking out, then Even will take him home. Tuck him up in his own bed and make everything go away. He promised. He has no fucking choice. 

So, he stands hunched over the kitchen sink and breathes slowly. Hoping he can get a few more minutes. Just a little while longer. Just maybe time to get Isak alone and try to explain the mess he has created. 

Well what is there to explain? I have the biggest crush on you? I have practically stalked you for the last six months. Hell, I have pretty much kept tabs on you since the first day I saw you, because you did something to my stomach and made me realize that yup. I probably wasn't straight at all. Not that this was news to me but hey, do you want to be my first? Because there is nobody that I would rather get naked with and try out all these gay things with than you. The most beautiful boy in the world. And by the way I really want to get naked and suck your dick. Like yesterday. 

No Even needs to shut the fuck up and try to behave like a normal human being. And he hasn't even mentioned the kissing. Yeah because Even wants to kiss Isak. So so much. 

His whole body shudders as he takes another deep breath. 

He can hear Isak in the background, and his Mum’s voice as Isak is once again being manhandled into one of his Mum’s hugs. 

‘’Go take Even to bed Isak. He is exhausted. And feel at home, help yourself to anything you need.’’ Even’s mum is squashing Isak, pressing him into her chest. ‘’I will do some Love therapy with you over Christmas. You are one of those people who need a little extra love. Just to top up your reserves.’’ She squeezes his cheeks in her hands and smiles as Isak squirms awkwardly under her assault. ‘’You are very much loved Darling boy. There is a lot of love for you. We all love you. Any thoughts in your head right now are valid, but they are not for now. Now you don’t have to worry about a thing. Let it go. Just feel loved. That’s all you need to do.’’

‘’Leila let the poor boy go’’ Even’s dad laughs. ‘’Isak, I am going skiing at 7 if you’re up, you are welcome to come with me. I promise there will be no awkward Dad talk. I like to zone out when I ski and Even says you run every day so just tag along. The weather should be good.’’

Isak shrugs his shoulders and nods. Tries to smile as Even’s Dad drags him into a hug. 

‘’Go to bed boys. See you in the morning.’’ 

Even knows that it should be a relief sinking into his Mum’s hug. Listening to the whispers in his ear. He is loved. He is cherished. He is important. He is so much loved. Instead he almost pushes her away. It’s too much. Everything is a little too much right now.

He follows Isak out in the hallway, grabbing his bag off the floor where he left it when they came. His legs feel like led. The exhaustion draining him by the second. 

He had this all wrong. This is all about to go to shit.

The first tap on his arm hits like a razorblade to his skin. And Isak finally meets his eye.


	13. THIRTEEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early posting for tomorrows chapter. No peeking until tomorrow OK?

THIRTEEN

 

‘’This is my room. It’s not big, and the décor is still ‘’Even aged 12’’. ‘’ Even let’s another nervous attempt at a laugh slip. His heart is beating out of his chest. His hands wet with perspiration.

 

It was just one tap. A small tap and a plea. Just let’s go somewhere quiet so I can breathe. So, I can get myself together. Because it is becoming a little too much. A little bit out of control. And Even had breathed so fast he thought he would faint.

 

He hadn’t though. He hadn’t fainted. He had just led Isak up the stairs to the corner back bedroom with the sloping roof and the roof window and his single childhood bed with the Star Wars bedding and the stupid posters on his walls. Drawings cello taped to the wooden slats in the ceiling and his desk still hosting his action figures. He grew up here. This was always safe. Home. Where he could be a child.

 

He doesn’t feel like a child anymore, stuck in this half arousal half panic half life of a situation he has made for himself.

 

‘’You can have the bed. It’s a pretty comfy. Sorry about the Star Wars covers, I do have some plain ones but Mum likes to tease me and make it up with the ones from when I was little. At least we didn’t get the Bamse Bear covers. I’m sure she will dig them out for next time. ‘’

 

Even is rambling. Nervously placing his bag on the desk and digging out his toothbrush. Trying to reign himself fin. Finding a place to start.

 

‘’Where are you going to sleep?’’ Isak asks pulling his jumper over his head.

‘’I’ll just kip on the floor.’’

‘’No’’ Isak says. ‘’No.’’

 

Even looks at him. He looks stubborn as hell. Hands gripping the edge of his T-shirt as he pulls it over his head.

 

There is too much skin. Too much pale perfect soft skin. The swallow coming from Even’s throat is loud. Embarrassingly loud.

 

Isak sit’s down on the edge of the bed and pulls a clean t-shirt from his bag, and Even swallows again as Isak covers his chest with the cotton fabric. Tugging at the sleeves.

‘’Sleep with me. We should both fit.’’ He says.

‘’Are you sure?’’ Even isn’t sure. He doesn’t think he is sure of anything anymore.

 

Isak just nods and pulls his jeans down. Kicks them off into a pile on the floor and pulls out a pair of threadbare things that look more like rags than pj pants. They look lovely. Soft. Just the kind of things Even would wear.

 

He has to look away, because Isak, his Isak, is sitting on his bed. Getting undressed and changing into his Pj’s like it’s nothing. Whilst Even’s head is all over the place, feeling a little bit faint again. Well no wonder, since all the blood in his body is rushing to his groin like there are free prizes down there or something. So. Now he is standing here like a fool having dirty thoughts trying to hide the bulge in his pants behind Captain America and his plastic mates that are still chilling on the desk. He needs to fix this shit. Turn his room into something half adult. Not that Even is an adult. Standing here trying to breathe whilst Isak pulls his socks off.

 

Fuck. His feet. His feet are beautiful. Even shudders. Snap out of it. Quick.

 

‘’I should probably apologize to you for my family.’’ Even still doesn’t know how to start. How to even try to explain. ‘’None of them have any filter, they all just speak without thinking first. But then, I am not going to apologize because my family are awesome. They have always supported me in whatever I wanted to do, and never made me feel bad about who I am. I am me. I am a fucking mess Isak but …I am me. ‘’

 

‘’You? A mess?’’ Isak doesn’t know where his bravery is coming from. He is never like this. Except that Even feels safe. Even who has his heart set on him. Even who is apparently his boyfriend. Even who by all accounts is, well, has some kind of thing for him. And weirdly enough that is fine. It is more than fine. It strangely has Isak’s chest feeling all warm and happy and a tiny bit, embarrassed is not the word. It’s more like he doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t know what to do about it at all.

 

 So, he sighs. Takes a deep breath. And continues. ‘’Even you are the cool perfect popular dude that every girl wants to score with, and every bloke wants as his best mate, everyone parties with you and looks at you like you are some kind of… I don’t even know. You are one of the lucky ones. You are not a mess. How on earth can you think you are a mess?’’ Isak stops to breathe. In. Out. In Out.

 

He can feel the panic coming back. Slowly brewing in his chest. In. Out. IN OUT. If he could just grab his trainers and run for a while he could probably make sense of the world. Or if he could just lie down in a dark room on his own and watch Netflix for about 5 hours straight so he could get his brain to have a break and a rest. Then maybe. Maybe…..

 

‘’I put you in an awkward situation with my family. I didn’t mean for that to happen, I just didn’t think they would kind of out me like that. I thought we would have a bit of time to hang out, so I could tell you. Or actually. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted to get to know you. I really wanted to spend Christmas with you. That’s all I wanted.’’ Even sit’s down on the bed next to Isak. Fiddling with the toothbrush in his hand.

 

‘’That’s OK.’’ Isak says softly. His breathing is calming down. It’s like Even has some kind of magic powers. He sits down next to Isak and everything is right in the world. It’s a little bit weird. In a good way.

 

So, he bends down and fishes out his toothbrush from the bag on the floor. Let’s his shoulder nudge Evens.

 

‘’Shall we go and brush our teeth?’’ He says. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Like this is his life now. Like he has someone to brush his teeth with.

‘’Let’s.’’ Even smiles back.

 

They stand there next to each other in the harsh light above the bathroom mirror. Even brushing vigorously. Isak leaning back against the sink. It’s fine. It’s absolutely fine.

Isak doesn’t know who starts giggling first. Isak or Even. But it starts with a small burst of laughter. A little relief of the tension that has built up all day. It’s freeing.

Little bursts of laughter and toothpaste that bubbles in his mouth and giggles that spill out of Even as he spits into the sink.

‘’Bear with my Mum with the Love therapy thing. It’s one of her quirks. She is really into it at the moment, says it can cure anything. She means well. Honestly.’’

Isak can’t help it. There is another explosion of laughter brewing in his chest.

‘’Your Mum is cool.’’ He blurts out after rinsing his mouth in the sink. He can’t really look at Even right now, because as soon as he does he goes all red and rips into another fit of giggles. ‘’The love therapy thing is… Interesting.’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Even laughs again and leaves his tooth brush on the side. ‘’I bet your parents are nice and normal compared to mine.’’

‘’Nah’’ Isak laughs. ‘’They are just as deranged as yours.’’

Even just smiles. It feels good to laugh. Everything is quite good right now.


	14. FOURTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early posting so it is ready for you tomorrow morning. Next chapter to go up Friday morning around 8 Scandi time, so bear with me as I am working through the night and changing timezones again. 
> 
> So either save reading this for tomorrow morning, or go read it now!!
> 
> Thank you again for all the fantastic comments, I love reading your thoughts and reactions! I am watching Melk (Tarjei and Dr Skrulle's spin off sitcom), finally, with Swedish subs, and Ingri is from Moss! Can't wait to watch the rest now! 
> 
> Again a massive thank you to Pagnilangi and Heidipeidi who are advising me on all things Norwegian. Without them this fic would have been a chaotic mess of Swedish/English ideas with not much Norwegian traditions present! Also a huge thank you to all of you who point out the boo-boo's and let me know when I go off the rails. Much appreciated!!!

FOURTEEN

It’s funny how crawling in under the thin old duvet of his childhood makes Even feel small. Like he is once again a little kid waiting for his parents to come in and read him his bedtime story. He shuffles over until he is right up against the wall, holding the duvet up as Isak sit’s down on the edge of the bed and quietly swings his legs up on the bed. 

‘’It’s nothing like your bed.’’ Even means it. It’s not.

‘’You and your thing for my bed.’’ Isak starts. But he can’t find the words to continue. He’s not quite brave enough to go there yet. Talk about the real things. Like feelings. 

Instead he lies down, shoulder to shoulder with Even and pulls the duvet up to his chin. 

Honestly. They are both far too tall for this bed, and another round of giggles are rounded up when their bare toes are all wriggling at the end of the bed trying to get covered up.

It’s easier when Even turns the light off. Like the darkness adds another layer of safety. Nobody has to see your face. Watch the way your eyes flicker. See the uncertainty in your gaze. No darkness is good. Safe.

‘’I love this roof window’’ Even says. Isak thinks he is pointing. His arm wriggling out of the covers.

‘’I used to lie here and watch the raindrops when it rained, and when it snows it takes ages for the snow to settle on the glass. Sometimes it covers the whole pane and then suddenly it will slide off and start again. It’s mesmerizing as to watch.’’

There is only snow on the roof window now. Thick and white against the glass. Even in the dark. 

They lie there in silence. Just quiet breaths. Unspoken words. So many questions that Even’s head is about to combust if he doesn’t say something. He doesn’t though. Because what do you say? How do you tell someone that you not only have the biggest crush on them, but that your whole world has been revolving around them since the first time you saw them? Because Even doesn’t know shit. He’s never had to do this before. Speak the truth. He has always had the little lines ready. ‘’You’re really hot. Fit. Gorgeous. You’re beautiful, but you’re just not for me. It’s me, not you.’’ He has used every single cliché. Every line in the book. He’s never had to say what he really feels. Until now. 

And now he hasn’t got the words. He doesn’t know how to do this right. Gently and safely so he doesn’t scare Isak away, but he kind of needs to tell him. He wants Isak to know how he feels.

Well Isak knows. His family made sure of that, but Even wants to say it himself. He wants to. 

‘’I keep getting all their names mixed up.’’ Isak says into the darkness. ‘’There are so many of them and all the L’s are confusing.’’

Even can do this. This is safe. This is good. 

‘’Mum is Leila, Dad is Erik. That’s where the thing with the L’s and E’s came from. They met at a party in their twenties, Mum was there with her girlfriend at the time, and Dad had this great epiphany that she was the love of his life. Probably fuelled by copious amounts of chemicals and alcohol, but hey, they married a year later. Mum is still best friends with Auntie Sonja. She is really funny, into all the same things as mum. She walks through the door and starts reading your palm and aligning your chakra before she even has her boots off. Anyway, Mum named us all E names, after Dad, and then Emmy met Holger at Uni and they went with the L’s, in homage to Mum. Linus was born when they were still living in a Uni-dorm in Trondheim, and Lucas came along a few years later, then the baby is Lottie. She’s bloody gorgeous. You’ll meet her tomorrow.’’

‘’So, Ludwig and Emilia are Elise’s? And who is she married to?’’

‘’Oscar. Elise and Oscar went to school together, they have known each other since they were 5 or something. Anyway, when they were teenagers Elise had all these boyfriends, and every weekend Oscar would come and sit on our sofa and sulk whilst Elise was out at parties and things. He was really down most of the time. Then Elise would come home and roll her eyes at him and he would cross his arms and stare at her and get his shoes and slam the door as he left. I never really understood it, but I grew up with Oscar pretty much spending every weekend here, and I liked the company. Elise called him her stalker. Teased him mercilessly. She was quite evil to him and Mum would get so cross at her. Anyway. One night Elise came home heartbroken because some twat had broken her heart and Oscar was here, and she apparently took him up to her room and well. The rest is history.’’

‘’One night? That’s all it took?’’ Isak is laughing. His body jerking softly against Even’s shoulder. 

‘’Yup. He must have really impressed her that night. Gone all in. ‘’ 

‘’And Uncle Asbjørn?’’

‘’Mum’s brother. Awesome dude. He has worked all over the world with some seriously cool people. He will tell you loads of amazing stories of places he has been and people he has met and things he used to get up to. You will like him. We lost Auntie Unni a few years ago. She was really funny. Loved us all to bits.’’

They grow quiet again. Just lying there listening to each other breathing, shuffling awkwardly every so often. 

Even hopes Isak will ask something else. Tries to think of something safe to ask himself. Something they can laugh about. Something easy. 

And Isak gasps, like he is about to speak, but he swallows whatever he was going to say and the silence returns. Breaths and the soft rumble of people milling around downstairs. 

‘’This is not going to work’’ Isak says and shuffles his hips. ‘’We’re never going to get to sleep like this.’’

Even agrees. The pillows are too thin. The blanket too short. The bed too narrow for two tall blokes. His head too full of thoughts.

‘’Roll over on you side’’ Isak demands, half sitting up leaning on his elbow. So Even rolls. It’s not like he has a choice, although his brain in pleading ‘’Please stay. Please let me stay’’. Over and over again, like a mantra. 

He folds his pillow in half and stuffs it under his head. Folds his arms across his chest and lets his forehead lean against the wallpaper on the wall. The edges still rugged from where he would pick at it at night when he was little and sad and couldn’t sleep. 

Isak shuffles closer tugging the duvet over them both. His legs curl up under Even’s and then he pushes his pillow up against the headboard. His breathing is a little fast. His arm a little shaky as it settles around Even’s waist. 

And Even can’t stop smiling. He is smiling so hard that his cheeks ache. If he didn’t know better, he would think that the wetness at the corner of his eyes were tears. Little drops of relief and happiness and amazement pooling as he blinks them away and lets them free fall down his cheeks. 

He lets his fingers catch Isak’s as Isak’s head comes to rest against his neck. He can feel his nose at the top of his spine. The warmth of his breath spreading over his back. Then the final shuffle as his chest lines up and he curls in around Even. Spoons him, as his fingers grip around Even’s hand and cold toes encounter the back of Even’s ankles. 

It’s dizzying. Amazing. All consuming. 

And Isak is still holding his breath. Hoping that this is OK. Hoping that Even will let him. Because he wants to. God Damn he wants to. 

All this love has made him a little reckless he thinks. He will probably regret all this in the morning. Wake up and be all awkward and things will be weird. But for now. 

It’s pretty much perfect. 

He squeezes Even’s hand a final time. ‘’Night Night Even from Upstairs.’’

Even tugs at his hand. Moves it up just slightly so it is right over the heart in his body that is beating right out of his chest. 

Thump Thump Thump under Isak’s wrist. 

So Isak leans in even more. In for a penny and all that. He might as well. Because this. This here. 

‘’Night Night my Disney Prince’’ Even whispers. 

This here. This is what dreams are made of.


	15. FIFTEEN

FIFTEEN – December 24 Christmas Eve

 

There is a soft tap at the sole of his foot. And another. 

‘’Isak!’’ 

Tap. Tap Tap Tap. 

He jerks out of sleep and stares awkwardly at Even’s Dad who is standing at the edge of the bed placing a cup of something steaming hot on the desk.

‘’I’m just getting dressed now, get yourself ready to leave in about 15 minutes. The weather is perfect, it’s snowing again and it’s just gorgeous out there. ‘’

Isak means to counter that, moaning that it is like in the middle of the night and it’s Christmas and he is quite warm and comfortable although his t shirt is soaked with sweat from being plastered to Even’s back for most of the night. But he just smiles and nods. 

‘’Hot lemon and ginger. It will get your blood flowing and wake you up a bit. I’ll see you outside.’’

Another nod. And Even snores. Snuffles in his sleep and tugs at the duvet. 

It’s tempting. Really tempting just to curl back around his body and let himself revel in having someone in your arms. Addictive is probably the right word. He never wants to sleep alone, ever again. Because Even is warm, and soft and smells like toffee and hugs and Christmas and toothpaste and some shampoo that Isak needs to buy so he can just sit and sniff it all day long like some junkie addicted to glue or something. 

Even is addictive. There is no question about it. 

But he needs to run. He will feel much better if he can just get an hour. Even half an hour would help him clear the murky mess of thoughts clouding his brain right now. Well half of it is a murky mess, the rest of it is quite frankly a little bit terrifying. Like Isak doesn’t even want to admit that he is actually thinking about it. That he is admitting to himself that this is something he feels. And that he is OK with it. He is strangely fine with it all. He thinks. 

Well everything is fine whilst they are here in this strange house of hugs and smells and people and children and noises and bloody Star Wars, he thinks as he knocks over a Darth Vader figurine, that was precariously leaning against the desk lamp. Then he almost swears out loud as he scalds his lips on the rim of the mug of boiling liquid. It’s probably some magic potion. Some Bech Næsheim secret weapon to make everyone fall in love with them before they stab you in the back and you get axe murdered in the forest trail behind the house. 

He still get’s dressed, feeling the calmness descend on him as he pulls the tight spandex over his legs. Zips up his windproof lightweight running jacket and pulls a hat over his head. His headphones are around his neck and his thick socks straining over his toes. 

Yup, he is definitely the idiot in the horror movie who walks straight into the trap ready to meet his ‘sticky end’ he laughs to himself as he steps out side into the frosty morning. It’s still pitch dark and Even’s Dad is stepping into his ski’s, shaking the snow off the poles. He’s right though. It’s pretty perfect, eerily quiet, just the soft fall of flakes from the sky flanked by the streetlights. 

‘’There is a headlamp on the side there if you want it, but the trail is floodlit all the way around, so I usually go without. ‘’ Even’s Dad is stretching his legs. Bending his knees up and down. Shuffling. 

And Isak is already flexing his feet, letting his knees gently bend, as he fastens his gloves around his wrists. 

‘’Shall we?’’ Even’s Dad says.  
‘’Let’s go.’’ Isak replies. 

30 minutes later they find themselves back on the steps, Isak panting like he has run a bloody marathon, and Even’s Dad laughing softly as he taps his ski’s off. 

‘’You’re a good runner kiddo. Fast.’’ He says giving Isak an appreciative smile.  
‘’You’re a fast skier’’ Isak admits. ‘’I struggled to keep up.’’

Honestly, His knees are singing, and his lungs are still pushing his breaths out a little too fast under his jacket that suddenly feels restrictive and hot. And there are all these things in his head fighting to get out. It’s a little dizzying, the things he wants to do. Because right now all he can think of is running upstairs and lying down next to Even, telling him about the graceful hares that crossed the tracks in front of them. The flurries of snow moving across the fields like fairy dust. The majestic moose that stood in the clearing as they descended the last hill. The sound of the water trickling down through the frozen lumps of ice under the bridge.

He even wants to tell Even that he loves all this, the quietness and total peace of early mornings when you are the only one there. When you can just run and feel and see and the snowflakes that randomly form shapes and lines in your line of vision as you push through the pain and your breaths struggle with your muscles making your body reach that top of the hill in front of you. 

Even’s Dad had kept his promise. No awkward Dad-talk. Just a silent wave of his ski pole to turn, an open hand to stop and an appreciative glance as Isak finally overtook him on the last straight run coming out of the clearing on the home run. It had been nice with some company. No pressure. Just a simple companion doing this for the same reason as Isak does it. To give his brain a break. To stop the thinking. To let himself drown in the music that pounds in his ears. It’s freeing. Liberating.

And it fucks with his knees he thinks as he stumbles around to the kitchen sink and grabs a glass off the draining board. Filling it repeatedly letting the cool water slide down his throat. Over and over again until his body starts to regain its composure. 

‘’Thank God, you’re up! Brilliant. Isak. Favour. Take Lottie of me for a second.’’ Emmy is zipping her coat up and throwing a wrap around her neck as Isak awkwardly takes the wriggling infant from her and tries to hold her away from his soaking jacket. 

‘’Da da da dadada daaaa’’ Lottie coos and grabs a handful of Isak’s hair in a death grip. Tugs and giggles whilst a dollop of drool escapes from her mouth and starts it’s slow decent down her chin. Isak can do babies. Of course, he can do babies. Tiny versions of humans who don’t talk. Perfect. He can definitely do this. 

‘’We need to do a stealth coffee run before Mum wakes up. Do. Not. Breathe. A. Word to her if she comes down. As far as you know you know nothing. Just come down to the garage in 20 minutes. OK?’’ She pulls her hat over her head. ‘’Oscar and Holger are starting the car down the road. You have seen nothing. You have no idea where I am. You are just playing with Lottie. Totally normal.’’

She winks and sneaks out the door, closing it carefully behind her. 

They are clearly all nuts. This family. He has never seen anything like it. 

 

He needs a shower. He needs…To be very honest Isak doesn’t know what the hell he needs. But that’s fine as he wriggles Lottie on to his hip and stands over by the window, watching the birds peck at the bird table outside the living room, where the light is slowly creeping up over the top of the trees in the distance. 

‘’Shall we be friends?’’ He whispers to Lottie. I mean this human is safe. Definitely safe. As long as he holds her and shakes her around a little bit on his hip and does the odd appropriate coos she seems to be happy. 

‘’Daddadadad daaa. IIIIkkk’’ She dribbles back, blowing bubbles and spit at him. She’s cute. He doesn’t mind. 

The house is silent around him, the odd creak of wood breaking though every so often along with his socked footfall on the hard floors. The Santas on the sofa are watching him with their smug smiles. Half the cushions from the chairs still on the floor from last night where the boys had been watching TV. 

He wonders to himself what his own parents would have made of this, if they had come along for Christmas with the Bech Næsheims. He thinks his Dad would have been OK. He would probably have enjoyed the sport on TV, the long-winded board games and the kids roaming around. 

His Mum though. Isak has to smile to himself. She would have loved this. First, she would have taken Even’s Mum and her Love Therapy thing and overanalysed it to death. Brought her laptop to the table and pulled up longwinded research papers arguing fact vs fiction and proven medicinal research and clinical trials versus alternative therapies and non-traditional cures. She lives for these kind of things. And funnily enough he thinks Even’s Mum would have held her own, smothered his Mum in hugs and cuddles until she gave up and held her hands in the air announcing defeat, suggesting a year long study to prove her point. 

She would have as well. His mum is the most stubborn woman in the world. And he has a sneaky suspicion that Even’s Mum is just the same. Carrying the same passionate beliefs, just channelling them in different ways. 

Then there is movement from the basement and Isak moves Lottie to his other hip so he can hold on to the railings as he carefully negotiates the steep stairs down. He can hear quiet voices. Muffled laughter, as he follows the sounds and carefully opens the door to what looks like a garage. 

‘’Isaaak! Come in’’ Holger whispers, a little louder than he should as Emmy and Oscar seem to be giddy with giggles, lining up takeaway cups from KB on the workbench in the corner and setting up garden chairs on the concrete floor.

The door creaks behind them and Linus pops his head around the door. ‘’Yay! Stealth Coffee club is ON!’’ He fist pumps in the air and Emmy hands him a cup whilst ruffling his hair and trying to sneak a kiss to his cheek. ‘’Merry Christmas Mummy’s beautiful boy’’ she coos as Linus blushes in embarrassment. 

‘’Isak, Black coffee, right? I did ask Even so we were prepared. Welcome to the Stealth Coffee Club, the most exclusive of the Bech Næsheim secret societies. ‘’ Holger laughs quietly and takes a sip out of his cup, closing his eyes in delight.

‘’There are rules to this Stealth Coffee Club Isak. Listen carefully’’ Linus looks stern, yet his face is full of laughter. ‘’The first rule of Stealth Coffee Club is: You do not talk about Stealth Coffee Club. Is that clear?’’

‘’Crystal’’ Isak laughs back and manages to sit down on the rickety garden chair behind him, balancing Lottie on his lap and his coffee in his hand.

‘’Second rule of Stealth Coffee club’’ Oscar tries to look serious and stern, wearing a foam moustache on his top lip. ‘’Stealth Coffee Club, does not exist. No caffeine ever crosses the threshold into this house. Seriously. It is apparently evil and will make you a bad human being. Nobody ever said we can’t drink coffee in the garage. So, this is where we get our secret fix. In secret. Do not tell Leila. If you even mention the word Coffee upstairs, you will be shot at dawn. With Lukas nerf gun. Seriously.''

''And we will not let you play ‘Settlers’ later.’’ Linus pretends to shoot him with his finger gun. Isak would shoot back but he has his hands full. So, he just nods as the door behind them creeps open and Uncle Asbjørn hobbles in, shuffling in his slippers with a blanket over his shoulders. 

‘’Desperate times, Desperate measures’’ He pants as Emmy grabs his arm and helps him sit down.

‘’Merry Christmas Uncle A’’ Oscar hands him a cup.’’ Double espresso two sweeteners.’’

‘’Thank God Darling girl, I was getting the shakes up there! Isaaak! Welcome to the bad coffee club. Or what is it we call this?’’

‘’Stealth Coffee Club’’ Holger laughs. 

‘’Third rule of Stealth Coffee club’’ Linus starts, looking very pleased with himself.

‘’Is for Gods sake do not tell Mum that there is Caffeine in Chocolate. Because if she finds out we will all be fucked forever and Ever Amen.’’ Even sneaks in behind them, closing the door with a quiet click behind them.

‘’AMEN’’ they all shout in unison. 

‘’It’s just like church’’ Uncle Asbjørn chuckles, ‘’Just with much better coffee, comfy chairs and the best company in the world. Thank God, I have you lot. I would have a caffeine withdrawal induced heart attack if I didn’t have you lot to rescue you in the mornings.’’

‘’Best part of Christmas this’’ Holger declares, holding his cup like it’s precious. The steam clouding the glasses on his nose.

Even is hobbling around in his socks, lifting the lids on the remaining cups. ‘’Which one is Mine Em?’’ 

‘’Left’’ Emmy smiles and gives Even a hug. ‘’Gingerbread Caramel Latte with Cream and sprinkles.’’

‘’Epic’’ Even smiles and leans against the workbench, taking a satisfying sip of his coffee. He winks. He winks at Isak and Isak’s stomach goes all warm. He smiles. Smiles like an idiot whilst Lottie is kicking her legs and waving her arms about and trying to grab hold of Isak’s hair again. 

‘’She likes you’’ Even smiles. 

‘’She’s my new friend’’ Isak laughs and tries to drag her back up his lap. She’s a wriggly little thing. 

‘’Merry Christmas’’ The voice behind them bellows out making everyone turn around shushing desperately. ‘’Don’t worry, Mum’s in the shower. We have at least 5 minutes. Which one is mine?’’ Even’s Dad is almost shaking with anticipation as he grabs the cup from Emmy who is shaking her head with laughter.

‘’Oh Dad, you poor thing.’’ 

Erik just laughs. ‘’I get to have a coffee once a year with my family. I can live the rest of the year without it as long as it makes your Mother happy. And Even, your boy Isak can run, you weren’t wrong about that. I’ll take you up the other trail tomorrow Isak, there are some fun challenging hills that way, and if we’re lucky we will see more Moose.’’ He nods to Isak who is just smiling again. 

Because Isak can’t help smiling. This is just nothing like what he imagined. Nothing like the Christmases he grew up with. All these people hiding in the cold garage with their coffees, Uncle A and his deep bellied laugh teasing Holger for something. Emmy not even attempting to remove the baby from his lap, and Even. Even who just stands there and watches him. A tiny smile on his face. His eyes, well there is this look and Isak can’t quite get his head around it. He likes it. He likes having Even look at him like this. Like he is special. Like he belongs. Like there is nowhere else Even would rather be than in this concrete room full of rubbish and tools and crap and people laughing over shared secrets. 

‘’I’m so happy you are here.’’ Even mouths at him. 

And Isak can feel the blush creeping up his cheeks. The warmth in his stomach burning through his damp clothes. The baby on his lap kicking and squirming. 

‘’Me too,’’ Isak mouths back. 

 

Because right now there is nowhere else he would rather be. 

 

‘’Oi!!’’ Elise sticks her head around the doorframe. ‘’Fuck, I overslept and Mum is on her way down! Let me neck that coffee down and I will run back up and distract her!’’

Isak can’t help the giggle that escapes his mouth as everyone starts to scramble, downing the last drops of coffee and putting their cups in the bag Even holds out.

‘’Use Mrs Asmundsen’s bin, she’s on holiday until January. Go!’’ Even’s Dad shakes his head and meets Isak’s eye as he pushes Even out through the Garage door. 

‘’Welcome to the family Isak. We are all beyond help here.’’

Isak just laughs and hands Lottie back to her Mum. 

Somehow, he feels right at home.


	16. SIXTEEN

SIXTEEN

 

Even keeps feeling like he is on the top of the world, his whole body buzzing with adrenaline, only for him to crash in to the depths of despair the next minute over something as stupid as the simple fact that Isak is sitting next to Elise on the other side of the table during lunch and not next to him where he should be. He needs him to be next to him. So he can touch him. Even though he does manage to reach his foot under the table and give Isak’s leg a gentle nudge. Which made Isak look up and smile at him and wham bam Even is on cloud nine again.

It’s exhausting. He is exhausted. At least Isak managed to get away and have a shower before they played another gruelling round of ‘’Ticket to ride’’ where of course Ludwig and Lukas slayed again and Even came last. He blames it on Isak. Totally. Because whilst he should have been developing a strategy in his head to get himself ahead in the game, he was too busy looking at Isak’s hands. Isak has gorgeous hands. And his eyelashes flicker slightly when he is trying to concentrate. And there is a little spot at the back of his neck where his skin dips. Which Even is now obsessed with. He wants his lips there. Kissing the soft skin just under the damp curls that ride the neck of Isak’s t-shirt.

It’s exhausting. This whole being in love thing is draining. Even needs to go to sleep and sleep solidly for a week. With Isak. In Isak’s bed.

In a strange way he wants to go and tap Isak on the arm. Say fuck this Christmas thing, I just want to lie down in a dark room with you in my arms for an hour or two until I can get myself back together into some sort of functioning state. Please. Just hold me and make all these doubts in my head disappear. Because I can’t do this much longer. I can’t hold it together anymore. I can’t. Please.

But of course, he doesn’t. He goes in and curls himself up on the sofa and smiles smugger than Santa on Christmas morning when Isak throws himself down next to him. Tucks those long legs up under himself and leans slightly on Even’s shoulder which makes Even want to fist pump into the air and kiss him. He wants to. He wants to wrap him up in an all-consuming hug and bury his face in Isak’s neck and just stay there.

 

It’s freaking soul destroying. Fucking hell.

 

There has been so much food that Isak is not quite sure that he will be able to make it for any sort of run in the morning. Breakfast was just bread and brunost, but Isak has never tasted brunost like it, locally made by some farmer whose kids are in Erik’s class. Lunch was fantastic, the fårepølse out of this world. And now Holger is grilling a massive slab of belly pork in the kitchen whilst Oscar is making kalrabistappe, and then there are Medisterkaker and Christmas sausages ready in a pan. More of that home-made bread that Isak has already had far too much of. With some amazing stinky French cheese and local butter and it’s just. Wow.

 

There is a big tray of home-made cakes sitting on the coffee table in front of them, with ginger bread biscuits and Ingefærnøtter and Fattigman and Isak’s mouth is watering. Kind of in disgust with himself. There are Krumkaker, with whipped cream.

 

He is definitely not hungry. But he is having one of those cream things. I mean. Hello.

 

‘’Mum does the whole seven sorts of cakes at Christmas. There are more to come, and then she has a Kransekake for tomorrow. I am going to feel sick later. I always do. I can’t help myself.’’ Even is laughing softly in Isak’s ear.

‘’So, no caffeine, but she kills you all off with sugar?’’ Isak teases, he knows Even will get him. It’s strange that. How comfortable he has felt all day. Accepted. Like he is one of them. When he clearly is not.

But he wants to be. And it’s kind of painful to know that he doesn’t know where he stands. Because how can he?

‘’Yeah, funny that.’’ Even laughs and let’s his nose touch Isak’s cheek. Kind of paints a little line with the tip of his nose down the soft stubble, then recoils back in fear. He didn’t mean to do that. He just did it. A little caress. Like he couldn’t help himself. And it’s not like Isak didn’t notice. Isak who now sits there with a blush creeping over his cheeks and a cheeky smile on his face as he licks whipped cream off his fingertip.

It’s obscene. Filthy. And Even is now sporting a semi in his joggers as Isak takes another bite of his cake leaving a tiny smidge off cream on the tip of his nose.

 

There are children present. His father is sat opposite him, his deep belly-laugh echoing through the room as he laughs at the Donald Duck program they all watch religiously on Christmas Eve along with every other human in Scandinavia who owns a TV. His elderly uncle is hobbling past him making the sofa creak dangerously as the weight of him hits.

 

Yet he knows. If Isak turns around and looks at him right now Even will probably come in his pants.  Ejaculate with a throaty moan inside his underpants like a teenager. It’s that bad.

‘’Epic Krumkake. Best I have ever had.’’ Isak is still licking his fingers. Wiping them on the legs of his jeans. Casting a quick glance at Even who jerks like he has been stabbed.

 

‘’You have some cream on your nose.’’ He blurts out trying to rescue himself. Fuck. This is bad.

 

He reaches out with his hand and softly lets his fingertip scoop up the cream on Isak’s nose. He wants to lick it clean. He wants Isak to lick his finger clean.

 

He tries to speak but instead he just squeaks and nervously wipes his finger on his shirt.

 

‘’PRESENTS!!!!’’ Ludwig shouts as he does a kneeling slide across the floor. His arms in the air as he crashes into the side of the sofa with a laugh.

Everyone is cheering. Moving up on the sofa so everyone can have a seat, the kids excitedly wriggling around on the floor, and baby Lottie once again gets placed on Isak’s lap. He doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind at all.

 

‘’Babies are good for the soul. Did you know that it is a medical proven fact that having a baby in your arms will lower your blood pressure and calm you down? However tense or anxious you may be, you will automatically direct some of your oxytocin-stash towards the baby to ensure the baby is safe and loved. The body is quite amazing, don’t you think Isak?’’ Even’s mum has squeezed herself down between Isak and Uncle Asbjørn who is almost bouncing up and down with excitement, holding a giant black bin-liner in his grip.

 

‘’Really?’’ Isak stutters. But he thinks she might have a point as he pulls Lottie to his chest. Sniffs her hair. Feeling a little bit silly. But he likes it. He likes it almost as much as the fact that Even’s head is leaning on his shoulder again. It’s comforting. Safe. And if Isak is very honest with himself it does funny things to his stomach. Like the butterflies that flap around in there whenever he looks at Even. Not that there is much fluttering room left after everything Isak has stuffed in his mouth since breakfast.

 

‘’She likes you too Isak.’’ Emmy laughs and throws herself on Holger’s lap. ‘’And honestly, it’s nice to have all these other people to help entertain her. Gives my arms a break.’’

 

‘’Silence!!!’’ Uncle Asbjørn hollers and everyone sits up straighter. Giggling nervously. The children on the floor all covering their faces in anticipation.

‘’Thank you!’’ He continues. ‘’Isak, since you are our newest addition to this family, let me start by apologizing. You have done nothing to deserve this.’’ He bows his head, and everyone laughs. Including Isak. Because to be honest. Uncle A looks so excited that he will probably combust if he is not allowed to go on in peace.

‘’Isak, I spent my entire working career dressing people, styling people for formal occasions and events. And now when I am retired, I am finally allowed to have some fun. And you lot very kindly allow me to indulge in getting back at you for all the pranks and grief you give me throughout the year. So, the yearly tradition continues as I, the great Asbjørn Næsheim, stylist to the stars, get to dress you all for Christmas dinner.’’

He does a little bow again, as the family cheer and roar.

 

‘’Last year we were all dressed as Christmas Stormtroopers, except Mum and Dad who were Princess Leia and Darth Vader. It was bloody brilliant. We will have to show you the photos.’’ Elise is squealing with laughter.

‘’The year before we were all Characters from Frozen. I loved that. I have worn my Elsa dress to parties, it’s just gorgeous. ‘’ Emmy sighs, all dreamy, whilst Linus actually looks up from his phone.

‘’My Olaf costume doesn’t fit anymore. Such a shame. It was absolutely epic.’’

‘’So, what on earth have you got planned this year Uncle A?’’ Even actually looks a little worried. Fidgeting slightly under the cushion he has firmly wedged on his lap.

‘’Well, you have all been awfully brilliant this year, so I thought I would be kind. I read some where about this thing called ‘’Furries.’’

‘’Fuck’’ Emmy blurts out. ‘’Can I impose a total Facebook ban please. No photos anywhere.’’ And Elise slaps her over the head. ‘’No swearing infront of the kids.’’

‘’It is all going on my public insta, I absolutely insist! Now, back to Furries.’’ Uncle A continues, his giggles threatening to tumble out of his mouth with every word. Held back laughter as Holger is about to explode into a knitted Santa and Oscar is burying his head in Elise’s back.  

 

‘’I have decided, that for this year we should all be comfortable for Christmas Dinner, so we are all going to be Furries. And before you drag me off and shout at me, we are not going to be the Adult variety of Furries. There will be no X-rated action in these suits. Let me indulge you, my darlings, into the super soft wonder that is animal onesies.’’

‘’Onesies were kind of in 3 years ago Uncle A’’ Linus sighs.

‘’I know young man, but Uncle A can do whatever he likes. So, suck it up and get dressed’’ Uncle Asbjørn laughs and starts throwing out neatly wrapped parcels around the room.

 

Isak has laughed. He has laughed a lot in his life. But he has never laughed to the point of feeling like he is about to throw up all over the baby on his lap. Because seriously. Even’s mum is dressed as a giant Unicorn, complete with a horn on her head. And loving it. There Is a Daddy Bear, a giant Koala, Elise is a squirrel, and they are all in hysterics trying to figure out what on earth Holger is, whilst Oskar is a spotty dog, and the kids are a weird collection of tigers and lions and Linus is looking remarkably smug in his jet-black gorilla outfit.

It’s Even though. Even who stands there in his Giraffe outfit looking like he should be on a catwalk in Milan. He looks pretty amazing whilst everyone is wiping their eyes and trying to gather up the masses of wrapping paper on the floor.

 

‘’So, we have to wear this for Dinner?’’ Isak asks as he unfolds the soft white fabric on his lap, which Lottie is trying to get her teeth into. Lottie who Isak has quite masterfully managed to dress in her Ladybird onesie. She is already trying to get one of the antennae’s in her mouth, the hood on the onesie half covering her face as she tugs and drools and squeals.

 

‘’Nope’’ Linus smiles. ‘’The rules are you pretty much have to live in whatever Uncle A dresses you in for the rest of Christmas. Rules are rules. If you are part of this family, you pretty much must live with the fact that you can’t leave the house until after New year’s, because you are probably dressed up as something weird. ‘’ He laughs evilly at Isak. ‘’Good luck with that, Mr Cat!’’

‘’Remember that year when we were all dressed up as Cartoon superheroes? It was bloody hilarious!’’ Even’s Dad is walking around in his bear suit, like it’s the most normal thing in the world whilst Isak places Lottie on the floor so he can slide into his suit.

He’s now dressed as a cat. A giant white soft cat, and Emilia is jumping into his arms shouting ‘’We are almost twins Isak, I’m a tiger and you are an arctic big cat! Like a polar cat! ‘’

 

And suddenly it’s just a little heavy. A tiny bit too much. A bit overwhelming as he hugs Uncle A, and high-fives Ludwig in his Leopard onesie, whilst still carrying Emilia around with her arms tight around his neck.

He needs a breather. Just a little space.

He looks over at Even. Even who is laughing and swinging baby Lottie around the room.

 

Even who is dressed like a giraffe and who Isak wants to hug. He wants one of Even’s hugs. His strong all-consuming hugs where his hands never stop moving over Isak’s back and his face is buried in Isak’s neck. He is a little bit shocked at himself admitting that. That he likes it. That he likes it so much that he is actually shaking a little just at the thought of stealing one. Of maybe doing what Even had said. Tapping him twice on the arm and begging to be just taken away from here, just for a little while so he can calm down. Remember who he really is.

 Because right now he has no idea who Isak Valtersen is anymore.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is NOT the start of another angsty slow burn chapter, promise. From tomorrow you will see things ramping up. Trust me.


	17. SEVENTEEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you for all the love, kudos and comments. It means a lot to me, and spurs me on. So, thank you.   
> Thank you Thank you Thank you.

 

 

SEVENTEEN

 

He doesn’t even have to tap Even on the arm. Doesn’t even have to ask. His hand just gets pulled and then suddenly the two of them are running up the stairs and then Even switches the light on as they walk into his room, and Isak follows and swiftly switches the light off again.

He needs the darkness to stay brave. He doesn’t want to be able to see what he is about to do.

Because he is about to do something reckless again. Something primal and weird and needy and desperate. He basically tackles Even against the wall, climbing into his embrace with a small growl that he couldn’t stop escaping from his mouth even if he tried. He is desperate.

His arms are clawing at Even’s back, his face somewhere in Even’s neck. He is standing on his tippy toes, one knee jerking along Even’s legs and his whole body-weight pushing him into the wall.

He doesn’t know what has come over him. He doesn’t understand what his body is doing. He can’t control shit right now. All he knows is that he needs this. He needs to be as close to Even as physically possible and it’s frightening the strength he has in him when he really wants something.

 

‘’Shhh baby, it’s fine. I’m here.’’ Even whispers. He gets Isak. He always gets Isak. Like he has some kind of freaky mindreading thing going on, as his hands are all over Isak’s back. Strong steady strokes that makes Isak birth sounds from his throat that he just can’t control. He’s not crying. He’s not hurt. He’s just. He doesn’t. Just don’t let go of me.

There is nothing graceful about how they tumble onto the bed, all legs and arms and super soft fleecy onesies and Isak can’t stay still. Crawling all over Even until he is practically straddling him on the bed, and it’s still not enough. It’s nowhere near enough.

His brain is not working. Thank God for that, because if it was he wouldn’t be pulling the zip down on Even’s giraffe onesie. He wouldn’t be brave enough. But there is just skin underneath and Isak lets his fingertips roam over the softness. The warmth. The slight curve over the flat chest where his muscles are attached to his ribcage. Where the flat brown nipples stand out against the milky white skin.

He doesn’t dare to look at Even. He doesn’t dare to even think. Instead he lets his arms pull out of the arms on his cat suit, helping Even to get the t-shirt pulled over his head. He doesn’t even realize that his jeans are undone until there are warm hands softly stroking the curve of his hips. Roaming gently across the dip in his back.

He just needs. He needs this.

 

Credit elli_skam on Instagram

 

Even tugs at him. Strong firm tugs until Isak is lying flat on top of him. Chest against Chest. Even’s heart pumping through them both as Isak holds on to the man underneath him. Squeezes his eyes shut as his face is once again snuggly stuck in Even’s neck. Skin against skin. Warmth against Warmth.

‘’We need to stop for a little bit.’’ Even whispers. ‘’I don’t want to embarrass myself, because I am about to come in my furry suit.’’

And Isak suddenly doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry. So, he kind of half snuffles giggles into Even’s neck. Holds on a little tighter. Let’s his fingers roam in Even’s hair. Trickle down his shoulder. His lips feeling skin. Soft and dizzying under his caress. He wants to kiss. Lick. Taste.

He’s just not quite that brave right now. Lying here in a heap on top of poor Even who is drawing little circles with his fingers over Isaks back.

 

‘’How do you always know what I need? ‘’ Isak whispers. ‘’I don’t even have to ask, you just take care of me when I need you.’’

 

Even wants to say ‘’Because I love you. ‘’ He wants to say ‘’Because you are my person, you might not know it, but you are.’’  There are words on the tip of his tongue threatening to spill out. Words like ‘’Because you make me feel like I am OK. Like it is OK to be me. Like as long as you are here with me everything is fine. You make me want to be different. You make me strong. You make me feel so damn strong. ‘’

Instead he says. ‘’Because I do.’’

 

He needs to stop. Because having Isak lie here on top of him is not helping his raging boner. There is too much skin. Too much Isak. Too much.

‘’Sit up baby.’’ He whispers and kind of pushes them both up until they are kind of half sitting up.

Isak still on his lap. Even all flustered and glassy eyed.

 

Isak adds another thing to the list of things he likes. He likes when Even calls him baby. It’s probably all the freaking baby-oxytocin swirling around in his system making him all soft. Baby. He wants to be Even’s baby. He is behaving like one, that’s for sure as he lets Even pull the onesie back up over his shoulders. His face is too close. The tip of Even’s nose is right by his. Warm soft breath on his skin as the zip fastens underneath his chin.

‘’I want so much. I want to do all these things with you but I….’’

Even looks down as his voice fades and Isak leans in. Their foreheads resting against each other as Isak closes his eyes.

‘’We don’t have to do anything. Let us just sit here for a bit. ‘’ Isak wishes he could ask all the questions that are swirling around his head. He wishes he had answers. He wishes he knew how on earth you do this. How do you make this work? How do you deal with all the feelings that are paralysing his body right now? How the hell do you end up feeling all these things for a stupid boy? He has more sense than this. More self-preservation in his body than to let himself fall this carelessly into the depths of the urges that are singing in his body. He wants. Needs. Feels. Breathes.

 

And Even knows. If he only moves a tiny little bit. If he just tilts his head and goes for it. It’s so close. It is right there. Right there in front of him.

Even’s first kiss was perfect. Sat on the beach listening to the swell as it battered the sun kissed sand, with a girl whose name he can’t even remember, whilst laughter brewed in his chest and his brain was a little fuzzy from the excitement of it all. He had been 15 he thinks, and hadn’t even questioned it. It had been sweet and innocent. Soft and gorgeous, her lips softly nibbling at his. Pressing gently into his until he was brave enough to kiss back. To taste and experiment and get it all wrong and fumble and laugh.

He had walked home afterwards with his fingers tracing his own lips. Thinking it was a milestone. Another step into adulthood. Wondering what came next. Wondering what he was missing. Wondering how to figure it all out. But he had been happy. He wouldn’t change a thing.

He wants this for Isak. He wants Isak’s first kiss to be perfect too, so Isak can look back and think, yes. Yes. It turned out fine. It turned out to be more than fine.

 

Because Isak’s first kiss is not Even’s to just steal. It’s not Even’s to take. Isak’s first kiss should be Isak’s to take. Isak should have the right to make this whatever he needs this to be. It’s not Even’s to steal just because he can’t control himself. He needs to pace this. He needs to be patient. He needs.

Fuck, he needs so much it’s painful.

Instead he lets his arms fold around Isak’s shoulders as he leans in and lets himself fall into the hug that Isak so willingly gives him. He lets himself melt into the warmth of having someone hold him like this. Slowly rocking into some silent beat that only the two of them seem to hear. Warm breath on his neck. Hands strong and firm on his back.

 

And Isak thinks. He thinks so much that he can barely see for the flashes of emotions crisscrossing his brain.

He thinks that this might just be right. In whatever fucked up way this has happened, this is right.

It’s so right that all the doubts screaming at him in his head, screaming that this is fucking wrong.

 

Well they can fuck right off.


	18. EIGHTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last working week before Xmas and I will be changing timezones again. I should be able to stick to the same schedule apart from Thursday that will be posted late late Wednesday evening. Sit tight. x

 

EIGHTEEN

 

There are traditions that must be upheld. There are rules.

Not that Even’s parents have brought them up in any kind of strict household. He was brought up to be free. To play and learn and ask questions and feel loved. Whatever happened, whatever went wrong his parents always held him tight and stroked his hair and told him that he was loved. That sometimes life would be wonderful. Sometimes life would kick you in the balls. You just had to take it.

As long as you had your family you would be OK. And right now, he is so incredibly grateful for his family.

 

His family who are all squabbling playfully in the kitchen putting the final touches on dinner. His Mum who is swinging together another batch of gingerbread dough, since someone, and she waves her ladle around the room pretending to be angry, which whilst wearing a Unicorn onesie makes her look rather wild and unhinged, ate all the gingerbread biscuits. Well everyone is guilty of that. Everyone knows Gingerbread biscuits are like crack. Once you have one you kind of have to finish the tin. Like seriously.

His Dad is walking around lighting candles, humming jingle bells under his breath in his bear onesie. Uncle Asbjørn keeps hobbling around snapping photos of them all on his phone, no doubt posting them for the world to see on his Insta. And Isak.

Isak is alive. Laughing and smiling and looking… Well Even can’t even find the words anymore.

He loves how Linus has dragged Isak over to the kitchen table where the kids are making paper decorations for the tree. It’s the rules. Every Christmas Eve, they make a decoration each for the tree. Stupid ugly paper decorations that they all laugh about whilst drinking gløgg and talking about things they have done during the year. Then after Christmas his Mum will take all the little crinkled decorations down and glue them into her scrapbook along with photos and mementos of this year. She likes to look back at them, stroking them with her fingers and remembering the things the children thought were important. The heroes of the moment. The little quirks.

It’s the rules. They have so many little traditions now that Christmas has almost become stressful, trying to squeeze them all in. Even Holger says he wouldn’t spend Christmas anywhere else, having abandoned his earlier beliefs that Swedish Christmas far outweighs Norwegian Christmas. Instead he cooks his Swedish Christmas Dinner on the 23’rd, followed by Norwegian Christmas on the 24th, and then they descend into the massive mess that is commonly known as the great big leftover pile up that they all live off until New Year’s Eve when Even’s Mum usually declares a ‘Food Truce’ and orders them all Pizza from the little restaurant down the road.

Rules are easy. This is what we do. A leads to B. B inevitably leads to C. Then C leads to the sofa where everyone ends up in a heap full of spilled drinks and crumbs and leftover food and midnight feast of whatever gets brought out from the kitchen. Easy. Simple.

 

What is not so simple is Isak. Because ever since they snuck back down, arms tangled around each other. Fingers laced with the fingers on the others hand. Even’s head on Isak’s shoulder. Even’s hands on Isak’s back. Even hasn’t been able to let go.

It’s like something has clicked. That somehow. Somehow if he can just keep one piece of his body latched on to Isak’s, then the world keeps spinning. Slowly and steadily and Even can cope and breathe and everything is chill. Easy.

Then Isak will do something unexpected, something small like just turning to help Emilia cut something out of the paper she is holding up, and Even will loose his grip on Isak and panic. Pain shooting through his limbs until he can grapple and reach and get his fingertips back where he needs them. Feeling the warmth of Isak’s body through the manmade super soft fleece of the ridiculous outfits they are wearing. Then he can breathe again.

He still manages to use his shaky hands to cut out little hearts from the sparkly craft paper on the table. Criss-cross the cuts in neat rows so he can fold them together to form a little woven heart shaped basket, like the ones they used to make at school.

It’s almost symbolic this year he thinks as he weaves the final piece together and opens the basket, pushing gently with his fingers so it gains body in its 3D shape. Two identical flat pieces of paper, now tangled together for ever in a basket full of… he has to stop and smile. He is such an emotional basket case. A romantic twat of epic proportions.

He still picks up the red marker pen and writes along the bottom corner. Even and Isak. 2017 With a tiny little love heart at the end. And Isak notices. Of course, he notices, leaning in and letting his head rest against Even’s temple.

‘’Cute’’ he whispers.

‘’I know’’ Even whispers back.

‘’Made a stick insect snow angel’’ Isak giggles and holds up his attempt at an angel. Messy thin wings and long straggly limbs made from glittery paper.

‘’Very you.’’ Even replies letting his fingertip stroke the sharp cuts. The clean edges. ‘’You are good at this.’’

Isak just smiles. That blush creeping up again, more noticeable than ever against his white furry hood.

‘’Isak come help me hang it on the tree’’ Emilia laughs and tugs at Isak’s hand, as she holds up the thing she has created. Even is not quite sure what it is, but he gets up and follows Isak.

Because not following Isak around like a lost sheep is apparently something Even has completely forgotten how to do. He just shuffles behind him like a confused kid, hanging on to the sleeve of his onesie whilst Isak lifts Emilia up to place her decoration on the tree.

‘’It’s SpongeBob SquarePants’’ she declares.

‘’Of course, it is.’’ Isak replies. ‘’SpongeBob is epic. Good job Emilia’’

God, he is cute. Even thinks, his head swirling with a fresh batch of stupid daydreams. He wants to have kids with Isak. Little golden curls all over the place with names beginning with I. All of them. Fuck he can’t think of a single name beginning with I now, apart from Isak. They will have Isak jr. And the other Isak Jr. And Isakella. Can you name a kid that?

‘’Your basket should go here’’ Isak says pointing at a spare branch. ‘’Next to my stick insect angel’’.

‘’Next to you’’ Even slurs, still lost in his head.

‘’Always next to me.’’ Isak says. He sounds serious as well. ‘’You and me’’ he says. His face a little red. His voice a little shaky as he meets Even’s eye.

‘’Always’’ Even replies. There is no doubt in his mind now. This is it. Always.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they are not wearing their onesies in the pic, but I still thought it fit. Sorry this one is short but the wait will be worth it. OK? I know I keep saying it but trust me. X  
> Slowburn ends tomorrow.   
> Do I need to say SMUT ALERT yet? Wednesday should be a good day.....


	19. NINETEEN

NINETEEN

The house is basically trashed come 9 o clock at night. They have had dinner. Totally ruined the Christmassy set up on the kitchen table, that is now a mess after some ill-advised food fights and dirty dishes and burned out candles and there are white glittery paper cut outs all over the floor along with masses of confetti and crumbs. And a stray wrapped toffee that Isak quickly snaps up and pops in Even’s mouth. 

He’s a little bit lightheaded. A tiny bit drunk on sparkling wine and beer and schnapps and Anton Berg liquor chocolates. Another rule apparently. Toffee’s for the kids and completely inedible chocolates shaped like liquor bottles that Erik unwraps so they can play the game of guess the liquor whilst everyone squirms in horror. Isak got some orange flavoured monstrosity that he had to drown out from his tastebuds with a whole glass of Ludwig’s Julebrus. He owes Ludwig. Big Time. Ludwig even made Isak sign it on a serviette. Isak must give Ludwig a whole bottle of Julebrus signed and sworn on a festive napkin. 

Isak’s mum would have had a fit. Even’s mum just laughs and says she can clean tomorrow. They can all help clean tomorrow so she can have a lie in. Well everyone laughs at that because apparently Leila has never had a lie in in her life so that’s not going to work. Holger claims he has done most of the cooking and is now on a permanent ‘’feet up on the sofa break’’ until the new year. Erik says it’s his house and he will happily pay whoever does the washing up. And Even laughs and holds his hands up admitting that he’s the baby of the family who gets away with murder. He will do the washing up. Just not right now because he has eaten so much that he is about to explode. 

There have been more presents. Even’s mum cried a little over the heart patterned knitted gloves that Even and Isak had apparently chosen for her. Isak had to admit they were very suitable. Soft and gorgeous in a teal blue with bright red hearts patterned randomly over the front. Even did well. Even does everything well. Even now when Isak is full and dozy and tired and snuggled up on the sofa on Even’s chest with arms holding him tight and fingers roaming lazily over his back, he can’t help thinking that Even has done good. 

He has made everything right this Christmas. 

He keeps fiddling with the little gingerbread decoration in his pocket. His Christmas present. Even got him a gift and Isak’s heart sunk for a second or two until Even had scooped his face up and sternly said ‘’NO. No Isak. You don’t get to feel bad because you have nothing for me. You being here is enough, OK? ‘’ 

So Isak had opened his gift, and laughed at the two little gingerbread men holding hands. Some local handicraft no doubt, but Isak loves it. Adores it. He will keep it forever. Bring it out and let his fingers dance across the piped clay whenever he feels down or sad. Because no one has ever brought him a Christmas decoration before and it’s a little bit embarrassing how happy it made him. 

 

He doesn’t want to think about tomorrow, or of what will happen tomorrow. Because Even says they are going back tomorrow, back to some life that seems so farfetched now that Isak can’t even get his head around the idea that he could exist anywhere but here. Here is safe and warm and lovely and he is someone’s boyfriend. Someone who hugs him and cuddles him and looks at him like he is… Isak giggles to himself. He feels like a Prince in a fairy-tale. Things like this just don’t happen to idiots like Isak. 

Emmy and Elise round up people for another board game, and Even drags Isak into the kitchen and hands him a broom. 

‘’Let’s get this kitchen sorted, and then we can go upstairs if you want to. ‘’

Which makes Isak blush like a 13-year-old. 

Because part of him is throbbing with excitement of the idea of going up and, well, making out with Even and maybe getting a little bit undressed again. The idea of that is making Isak all dizzy. Like this is a thing he is into. Well apparently, his cock is majorly into that idea. 

Isak has a complicated relationship with his sexuality, he has always known that. He wanks over anything. Skin and thrusts and moans and looks. Sometimes it’s just the way the hips are angled or the way the legs are kicking out or a head thrown back in pleasure. Sometimes it can be something as lame as a voice in the background saying something simple. A few words of admiration. A command. A tender caress. And Isak will shoot into his hands whilst groaning at the sight of his phone lying abandoned on the bed whilst he hobbles to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

He used to hate that he looked at the men, more than the women in porn. But then he thought, if he would ever meet someone, it would probably be a girl. Because no way would any man ever look at him. That was just so farfetched in Isak’s mind that he had pretty much suppressed the whole idea. 

He is attracted to men. OK. Fine. He is attracted to Even. Even who seems to like him. Oh God. He can barely make sense of that whole thing in his head. 

That just doesn’t happen in real life. In movies and rom coms and peoples fucked up poetry? Yes. In Isak’s pathetic excuse for a life? No. Not happening. How could it? He doesn’t deserve this.

But then Isak places a pile of dishes next to Even, who is elbow deep in soap suds by the sink scrubbing another pan, and Even just leans over and lays his head on Isak’s shoulder.

Just for a second. Just like a little nudge. And Isak leans back. Pretty much plasters his body over Even’s back and lets his nose sink into Even’s neck. Nuzzles a little. Sniffs. Smells. Let’s his top lip just brush against the skin on Even’s back, the little bit that sticks up over the hood of his onesie. 

‘’You know you said you owe me all these favours?’’ Isak ask softly. 

He needs to continue talking before he chickens out. Breathe Isak. In Out. 

‘’I owe you so many favours that you need to start writing a list.’’ Even sighs and leans over his shoulder. Nudges Isak’s forehead with his cheek. ‘’What do you want baby?’’

I want you to call me baby for the rest of my life. Oh God. Isak’s mind is racing again. He probably has some weird fetish where he wants Even to wrap him up in blankets and give him a dummy and rock him to sleep or some shit. Fuck. 

‘’Do these favours include things like…’’ Isak is squirming. Swallowing a bit to loudly. Letting his arms wrap around Even’s waist whilst his head is pressing right down in the hood in front of him. It’s easier to talk when he is like this. Clinging to the boy in front of him where no one can see him blushing and being pathetic. 

‘’Anything Isak. Seriously. Tell me what you need, and I will give it to you, whatever it is. Promise.’’

‘’Kissing’’ Isak’s mouth blurts out before he can stop himself. ‘’Can you teach me to kiss? I want to do kissing.’’

Fuck he sounds like a 5-year-old. This is bad. This is ridiculous. He is a man, he should be swinging people over his knee and snogging like a pro. Not hiding in Even’s neck bruising him with the death grip his fingers have got snaked around his hips. 

‘’Oh God yes please. Lots of kissing.’’ Even’s whole body is doing that relief thing again, where he just relaxes into Isak, sinks into his embrace and presses against him to the point that Isak has to let go and grab hold of the sink before they both collapse in a pile on the floor. Soap suds and all. 

‘’Good. Kissing it is then. ‘’ Isak laughs. 

‘’Kissing lessons’’ Even giggles and rubs his cheek against Isak’s nose again. ‘’Although I have never kissed a boy before, so you will be my first.’’

‘’I like that’’ Isak smiles. ‘’We can be eachother’s firsts.’’ All warm and soft and relieved and relaxed again as his arms move all over Even’s chest. Strong firm movements, just like Even does to his back. 

He’s a fast learner. He is figuring this out. He’s getting good at hugs. Cuddles. 

He thinks he is getting good at this whole love thing too. He can definitely do this love thing. Just a few lessons on this kissing thing and Isak will be off to a good start. Because he is going to love the shit out of Even. If this is his one chance at turning his life around and being happy, then he is fucking going all in. 

‘’Love you’’ he whispers into Even’s neck. 

And Even has never spun around so fast in his life. Soapsuds and a stray fork flying across the floor as he throws his arms around Isak’s neck and squeezes him as tight as his muscles will allow. 

‘’Fucking love you too’’ he almost squeals into Isak’s neck whilst the tears are running down his cheeks and his eyes are watering and he can’t understand why he is crying again but it’s just so bloody perfect. ‘’Love you so much’’ he whispers. 

And Isak holds him as the snow once again starts to fall outside the windows. Holds him against his body and rocks him and whispers little words that Even can barely understand.

It’s more than perfect. It’s pretty epic.


	20. TWENTY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut alert. Contains scenes of a sexual nature between two consenting males. Like you didn't expect that......

TWENTY

 

By the time the kitchen is half decent, everyone is piling back into the fridge for leftovers and nibbles and Even throws a pretend tantrum over the mess everyone is creating after him and Isak have done this excellent clean-up,  and Isak ends up getting another session of Love Therapy before Even recues him from his mother’s arms and pretty much drags him up the stairs.

Even is a little bit desperate. Maybe a tiny bit clingy. He just wants to lie down with Isak and kind of eat his face. Or something.

He sighs as he strips himself out of his giraffe suit and tries not to stare at Isak who has his back turned to him, slipping his white sleep t-shirt over his head again.

Even doesn’t want sleep t-shirts. He wants naked. Fuck he wants Isak naked forever. Preferably back in that epic bed of his, in Isak’s room, with the total privacy from all the ears around them, where Even has pretty much decided that he is going to live from now on.

 

Instead he has Isak in his sleepwear standing in the middle of the room holding his toothbrush. Like this is their new routine. This is how they do it.

 

The unmade bed under the roof window looks damn inviting, and Even kind of half contemplates tackling Isak on to the bed and pretty much demanding that Isak grabs his first kiss, so they can get on to the good bits. Like right now.

But he is a decent human being, so he pulls his t-shirt on over his head, sticks to his boxers and follows Isak out in the hallway, that is littered with children tucked up in sleeping bags on the floor. Emilia is fast asleep curled up like a little worm in between the older boys who are playing on their handheld gaming consoles whilst chatting excitedly. They have had a good day Even thinks as he steps over their legs to get into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

 

The bathroom light is too harsh on his eyes, making him blink helplessly, as he wets his toothbrush under the water and starts brushing whilst Isak is just standing there looking at him. His head cocked to the side. He looks so beautiful. It’s like he doesn’t even have to try, he can just stand there in the bright bathroom light with his threadbare t-shirt and look like he should be painted onto murals and written sonnets about.

‘’What are you thinking about?’’ Even smiles as he wipes his mouth on the towel and hangs it back on the hook. Because he is a good kid. His mum trained him well.

 

He is definitely a good kid; his mind screams as Isak pretty much tackles him against the wall and God.

God help him.

 

Isak’s lips are pressed against his mouth and Even can’t breathe with all this Isak plastered all over him. He is getting kissed. Well kind of sledgehammered into the wall whilst Isak and his damn lips are attacking him repeatedly and his cock is throbbing in his boxers and shit. This is not what he had planned. But he is quite happy to run with it as it’s Isak. He will take Isak however he comes. And if it includes getting his skull slammed against the tiles on the bathroom wall whilst Isak’s fingers are scratching the skin of his cheeks and knocking out his teeth with his mouth then Even is all in. All in. 100%.

 

‘’Slow down baby. I’m not going anywhere’’ he manages to pant out as he manhandles Isak across the floor into the shower cubicle. And there is little squeak coming out of Isak’s mouth as Even tips his chin up. ‘’Slow down’’ he whispers again as he leans down and presses his lips against Isak’s.

Much better. Although Isak is squirming and clinging to him and there is a leg trying to climb his hip and hands everywhere. On his shoulder. Under his t-shirt. Whilst his are firmly around Isak’s face.

There is also the embarrassing fact that he is now dryhumping against Isak’s stomach, jerking his hips against the poor guy he has pressed into the wall.

This is not what he had planned. He needs to slow down. Start again.

 

Well he would if he could just gather enough strength to stop his tongue from licking Isak’s lips. That would have been a good start. Instead Isak growls and lets his hands land firmly on Even’s chest as he pushes him into the other side of the damn shower cubicle.

‘’Shit!!’’ Isak squeals out as the water starts to pour from the shower and Even can’t help himself. He bursts out laughing.

 

I mean. This.

 

Isak just wants to die. Well no. He doesn’t. Because Even is right there where he needs him. Scooping him up in his arms and laughing in his face and the hands are there, all over his back as he pulls him into his chest. He is right there. Fully clothed under the luke warm shower spray that is annoyingly washing all that bravery right out of Isak.

‘’Told you I don’t know what I am doing’’ Isak laughs. ‘’I need lessons.’’

 

 

 

‘’You are bloody perfect’’ Even whispers back. Then he kisses him and Isak is firing on all cylinders again. His cock is rock hard in his pants. And he can feel Even against him. He is turned on. Isak did that. He does things to Even and his chest puffs up with pride just at the thought that this is actually happening.

 

There is tongue pressing between his lips. Tongue. Even is kissing him. With tongues. And Isak’s sad excuse for a tongue is just sitting there taking it all in. The softness and wetness and warmth in his mouth, tangled with breaths and those freaky little moans that Isak’s brain keeps making him squeeze out in between trying to keep his lips latched on Even’s whilst they are still standing in the shower getting crazy rained on from the shower head above.

 

‘’Too cold’’ Even shivers and lets go of Isak’s face until the water is suddenly warm, folding around Isak like a blanket.

Oh fuck. His cock likes that even more. Well now Isak is pretty much back pressed into the wall with Even grinding all over him and there is this delicious slide against Isak’s cock whenever Even moves his body up and Isak tips his head back and oh fuck there is Even’s lips kissing down his jaw. Down his neck. Oh. Oh.

 

Oh.

 

‘’Don’t stop. Please don’t stop’’ Isak whispers. Please. Because he wants to come. He wants this to last forever until he comes. Please let him come. Please let Even be brave and just keep doing what he is doing.

His mouth is on Isak’s trapezius muscle. Well there is some wet fabric between his skin and Even’s mouth but it Even just yanks the T-shirt over Isak’s head and then he is back. Just little kisses on the soft part of his shoulder that are making Isak’s breath hitch and he is making noises again. Crazy little squeals as Even moves on to his Pectoralis Major, nuzzling his nose against Isak’s nipple in the process. Fuck. Go back up.

Of course, Even does. Because Even is a freaking mindreading superhero and knows exactly what Isak wants, and now Isak is rutting desperately against Even’s chest as his nipple is getting coated in little licks and kisses and fuck. Isak is going to come. He couldn’t stop it if he tried.

Serratus, External Oblique, Rectus Abdominis…. Isak tries to name the muscles as Even kisses down his groin but his mind isn’t working anymore. It’s just fuzzy and blank and painful and wonderful and bloody amazing and shit.

 

There is Even’s face. Nuzzling into the softness of Isak’s wet pants right where his cock is being strangled by the wet fabric, and fuck. Those are his hands. Yep. Isak’s hands are fisting the wet hair on Even’s head and it’s his hands that are pushing and tugging and making Even keep his face right where he needs him as he totally loses control.

 

There are kids outside the door. There are people downstairs. There is a boy with his head in Isak’s groin and Isak doesn’t care anymore. Because he comes. Shooting his seed into the sodden fabric clinging to his body as his hips can’t stop moving and his whole body is shaking, and he actually has his head slung back against the tiles like some fucked up bad-acting porn star in a home-made clip on the internet.

 

He wants to laugh out loud at himself. How he though this would ever be a good idea. How he ever thought this would be him.

 

He has made a complete fool out of himself again, he thinks as he sinks to his knees in the shower next to Even, who is leaning to the side still on his knees under the warm spray.

Even, who has his eyes closed, sniffling uncomfortably with his hand down his boxers. Little erratic tugs of his hand and desperate moans spilling from his lips as Isak looses control again.

 

He shouldn’t do things like this. He should think. Stop himself. Know better.

 

Instead he swats Even’s hand out of the way and replaces it with his own inside the clingy fabric, his hand gripping the warm hard organ pulsing under his grip.

It takes nothing. Not even a tug, and Even’s face is against his shoulder, silently screaming into his skin as Isak’s hand is being coated with come and water and warmth and fuck he can feel his own cock jerk at the sensations of it all.

 

They don’t need to speak. It’s just. Well.

 

Isak just came in his pants. In Even’s face. Then he kind of jerked Even off. He thinks. Well he is still sitting here with Even’s cock in his hand and his other hand is tangled in the hair on Even’s head and Even, fuck Even, this amazing human being is sniffling and almost sobbing into Isak’s chest and Isak thinks that this is probably what it is all about. This all-consuming warmth that is falling around them like an aura of calm. Which in reality, is the water from the shower, but Isak thinks fuck that. This is love. This is what it feels like being loved. When you drop all the shields and pretence of being all nice and polite and perfect and then in the end it’s just carnal instinct and pleasure and being human.

 

They just made each other come. And it was amazing. And now they are here and strangely, this. This is fine. It’s more than fine.

 

‘’Let’s clean up and get into bed baby.’’ He just called Even baby. Oops. He kind of had promised himself he wouldn’t go down the route of terms of endearment. He is far too sensible for that. Honestly. But he says it again.

‘’Baby. Come. Stand up baby. Let’s get these clothes off and get you warm and dry and then we can go snuggle in bed.’’

‘’I love you’’ Even snuffles. ‘’I love you so much’’

‘’Love you too.’’ Isak smiles and presses another kiss onto the lips in front of him.

 

Kissing. Wow. Who would have thought? There will be more of that he hopes. Lot’s more kissing.


	21. TWENTY ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS TOMORROWS CHAPTER. Sorry I have to post it early but I am heading off to work and you need it for tomorrow morning, right? 
> 
> Yes! Ms Elli posted a new artwork. And yes, I totally blame her. Because I have now finally finished this story, with a monster of a chapter 25. I will change the rating for the last chapter. Hint Hint. Nudge Nudge. Bear with this. There are good things to come.  
> All your questions will be answered. Promise.

 

TWENTY-ONE December 25

 Tap. Tap tap tap.

Isak wakes up with a jerk as he swings his legs over the side of the bed in automatic mode, looking around with a confused look on his face. He hasn't got a clue where he is. Honestly. He scratches the hair on his head and yawns. Oh yes. Of course. 

And Even’s Dad just laughs as he places the steaming hot cup on the side next to him.

‘’This will wake you up, and just remember there will be good stuff for us downstairs when we come back. Naughty stuff’’

He chuckles and Isak suddenly realizes that he is stark naked. In front of Even’s Dad. Oh shit.

Well Erik just closes the door behind him as he leaves Isak sitting on the edge of the bed with his legs crossed in embarrassment. Not that he would have seen much since the room is all dark but even so.

Ugh. Does life never stop taunting him? He leans back and remembers that Even is asleep behind him. His Even. Soft lovely Even who lets him do as much kissing as he wants to and who loves him and loves his body and kept touching him all over and made him feel all mushy and loved and excited and ugh.

He loves Even. It makes him grin like a loon in the dark. He loves Even. And Even says he loves him right back.

They had stayed awake for ages last night, just lying tangled up in each other under the duvet, kissing and cuddling and talking about all kind of stupid things. Things that just made Isak insanely happy.

They talked about growing up. About family. About all the stupid hopes and dreams.

They talked about kissing. Boys and Girls. Of crushes and people and school. They talked about growing up. Growing old. Family. 

Isak always wanted to be a Dad. He wanted to be a different Dad. A Dad who did stuff with his kid, played football and walked in the mountains and made life an adventure. But then he wanted to be a bit like his own Dad too. Successful and respected and pretty damn cool. Isak’s Dad dresses well, in sharp suits and gelled back hair, but when he is off duty it’s all about hoodies and beanies and sharp parka coats.

Isak wants to dress like that. He just doesn’t know how to put things together and look cool. Not like Even who looks effortlessly hip whatever he wears. Not that it matters because Even wants kids. He wants babies and he wants to adopt and he wants to foster and make a difference to some kid’s life and Isak just fell right in love all over again. Ridiculous boy. All whilst wearing cool clothes and looking a million dollars and Isak can’t quite make his thoughts to make sense anymore.

 

 

It’s pretty painful to put his running gear on this morning. Painful and a little bit agonizing as he would much rather curl up on Even’s chest and wake him up with kisses and ask for more favours. He is going have to brave up and ask about blow jobs. Yes, he wants one, but he wants to learn how to give one too. Surely Even must know how to give good head, because Isak is pretty sure he overheard someone saying she had blown Even at some party. He just needs some pointers. Some helpful hints on where to start.

 

And now he has a boner in his spandex pants and he spills some of the hot lemon and ginger down his front, pulls his hat over his head and closes Even’s bedroom door behind him. He still manages to sweep the last of the hot liquid down his throat and leave the cup in the sink before heading out in the dark night.

 

It’s bloody dark. And bloody cold, the hard snow crunching under his feet as he walks down the drive where Erik is stood on his skis waiting.

‘’Look over there, under the streetlight.’’ He whispers and points at the fox digging in the snow. It’s an adult but it’s almost like the animal is playing, jumping and scratching at the snow to get to whatever it is that is hiding underneath.

‘’Love seeing all the wildlife out here’’ Isak whispers. ‘’The only thing I come across running in Oslo is people. And a few birds.’’

‘’I know. I love it here. Lots of wildlife, and hardly any people around. Are you ready? Do you need to warm up before we hit full speed?’’ Erik gives him an evil grin.

He’s just like his son. Evil. Eyes twinkling and that smirk on his face that means he is going to go off fast and hard. Make Isak run through the icy patches like his arse is on fire whilst Erik glides effortlessly in the tracks.

‘’Nope. Bring it on,’’ Isak says and sets off. At least he can get a few paces ahead before Erik overtakes him.

He smiles. This is good. This is just what he needs.

 

The day has passed too fast. The hours have just disappeared in a blink of an eye. Even though they managed a nice long leisurely Stealth Coffee Club session in the garage, ate slow-cooked Julegrøt for lunch, got beaten at Settlers and got sugar-rush after eating Kransekake followed by an epic gingerbread baking session in the afternoon before Even declared that the last train to Oslo was at 6 and if they were going to catch it they had to bribe someone to drive them down to the station.

And Isak stands there in the middle of the living room, with a gingerbread biscuit dangling from his mouth dressed in his cat onesie with Lottie on his hip and it feels like someone has punched him in the stomach.

He is not ready to go home. He is not ready. He wants to stay. Stay in this warm bubble of love and laughter and safety and peaceful chaos.

Instead he nods, hands Lottie back to her Mum, goes and gets changed and packs his bag.

 

He hardly brought anything, but he folds his onesie up and carefully strokes the fabric as he zips the bag up. Reminds himself to go down and get his decoration from the tree, because he wants to bring it home. It’s his, and he will forever treasure it when he has a day when life is just getting him down. He thinks that if he feels sad, just getting in his cat onesie will kind of bring him back here, to this place where his mind was strangely at peace and life was just simple.

He walks back downstairs like a doomed man on the way to the gallows. Head hanging low. He doesn’t want to go.

 

Then Leila takes his bag from him and unzips the zip and starts loading plastic containers of food and biscuits and cakes and a bottle of Julebrus, because they might need some cheer on that dreadfully boring train ride. Then she holds up the box of wrapped sweets that she won in her own ‘Coin in the Gingerbread loaf competition’ and gives Isak a smile and a wink as she tips the contents into his bag.

He wants to cry a little bit. Throw himself on the floor and pretend to be a kid who doesn’t want to leave the party. Instead he revels in getting one last session of love therapy which funnily he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind the hugs. He doesn’t mind the cringeworthy sentences Even’s mum is whispering in his ears. He needs them. He is important. He is loved. He is so very very much loved.

He kind of knows he is and it’s messing with his head.

 

At least this time they have seats, and the train has barely started to move when they have to stop waving at Elise and Oscar who drove them to the station.  And Isak feels empty. A little numb.

‘’These past days have felt like I have been living in this bubble. Like the life I lead in Oslo is so far removed from reality that I just can’t grasp it.’’

‘’I know’’ Even whispers. ‘’It’s been the best Christmas. I love going home. We can go again whenever you want to, just pop home for the weekend to chill out. I know Mum and Dad would love to see you again, and you need to cuddle Lottie, and Emilia loves you and even Linus told me that you are a really cool dude. I need to bring Linus up to Oslo next year and take him to a concert or something, make him feel like he is grown up and cool. Emmy did that to me when I was 16, brought me to see Bon Jovi at the Spectrum and I remember thinking it was the most amazing experience. We need to plan, think about a band that we want to see, and we can book and bring him as a surprise. Something cool.’’

It’s a little bit much for Isak’s brain to take in. All this plans for the future, when Isak can’t even grasp what is going to happen within the next hour.

 

Instead he buries his face in Even’s chest and lets Even just hold him. Rocking him gently and stroking his hair as he talks nonsense and blubbers on about concerts and artist and the epic new years party the boys upstairs are in charge of. Luckily the party venue is not upstairs, no they have the full use of the Campus Cafeteria and community centre, and sponsorship from Sagene Bryggeri, and food catered by the Catering College and some local celebrity known from TV is coming to DJ and it will apparently be epic.

Well Isak is not going anywhere near it, however epic it may be.

He is going to stay at home. Like he always does. And probably have a panic attack over the fact that Even might not be coming back to sleep in his bed. Hoping he will. He doesn’t care if he is drunk as a skunk as long as his skinny arse ends up back in Isak’s bed. He wants to tell Even that. But he thinks it might be creepy to demand that after being Even’s boyfriend for what? Two days?

 

They might be boyfriends, and kiss and be all super snuggly cuddly like they are now, but Isak doesn’t know the rules. It’s not like he has asked. And he doesn’t want to be that person. Like his Mum. Full of questions and demands and timings and ultimatums. It’s just not him.

He still asks. Because he needs to start somewhere. He needs to know where he stands.

‘’Baby, what happends when we get back home? What happends? To us? This?’’ Isak lifts his head up and looks at Even.

And Even looks like he wants to cry. The words spill out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

‘’I don’t know.’’

It’s a shit thing to say. He knows that. It’s such a lame cliché thing to say. He is being a shithead. To Isak of all people. He loves Isak. God, he loves Isak so much that it’s a little bit frightening. It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all.

He is just being honest. Christmas has been easy. The best. But now it’s over and it’s back to reality.

Shit.


	22. TWENTY TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me with my evil ways and random posting schedule. We are back to 7 GMT 8 EVAK TIMEZONE now until the end. xxxx

TWENTY-TWO

They walk hand in hand leaving the station. Like they belong together. Because they do. Even knows that. Isak belongs to him. They belong together. Isak makes him insanely happy, but he knows that people talk. He knows that there will be gossip. Words that will not always be kind.

He can take it. I mean he has sometimes done it himself. Thrown careless comments out to a crowd for a few seconds of laughter with an unkind joke. He deserves whatever people will chose to throw at him, he just needs to stand up for himself and own it.

 

He is gay. Fine.

He has a boyfriend. Super fine.

He needs to start being honest and telling that to people. Fucking scary.

 

The most frightening thing of all is that he knows Isak doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want people to know his business and Even can understand that. Still, Even has no intention of not sleeping in Isak’s bed every night. He intends to do a lot of stuff in Isak’s bed. Which they need stuff for.

They need to stop at a convenience store and buy stuff. Because Even doesn’t have any condoms, because he hasn’t had the urge to even go that far with anyone for a long long time.

‘’We need to buy condoms.’’ His mouth blurts out. Walking down a nice normal residential street late at night in Oslo. And Isak almost trips over his own feet.

‘’Okay’’ Isak replies, smiling nervously.

‘’And lube. We will need lube. Not that I am saying that we need to do all these things right now but we might want to. One day. Eventually and then we will need to have these things. Better be prepared.’’ Even needs to stop talking. Seriously. Before Isak runs away and never speaks to him again.

‘’I want a blowjob.’’ Isak stutters out. His breath steaming out in front of him. He can’t even look at him but this is good Even thinks. They are talking about things. Important things.

‘’You can have as many blowjobs as you want. I can’t guarantee I will be any good at them but I will try. And you need to tell me what you like. What feels good. ‘’

‘’I can’t believe we are walking across my old school yard talking about blow-jobs.’’ Isak shakes his head.

‘’You went here, to Nissen?’’ Even stops and looks around. ‘’Wow. Cool school.’’

‘’Hated it. Spent most of my time hiding from idiots and trying to pass all my exams so I could get out of here. ‘’ Isak looks a little sad and Even can’t stand it. He wraps him up in another hug. Kisses his cheeks. Kisses his lips. Little soft comforting kisses.

‘’I wish I had been here to look after you. I would have protected you. Sat with you and bought you coffee and held your hand. I wish I had met you years ago, then I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes and hurt people.’’

‘’Why? Who have you hurt?’’ Isak is just looking at him. All honest and kind and wonderful and Even kind of thinks he might start to cry again. He has never cried this much over just being happy in his life. It’s pretty stupid to be honest.

‘’Mostly girls I messed around with. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be like everyone else. Kissing and making out and having sex and being this cool bloke. I hurt a few girls just by being an arsehole. I should have just been honest and stopped myself instead I would get scared and get drunk and just. I’m not always a very good person Isak. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be honest and be me, I want to be happy, but I don’t quite know how to kind of make the old me become the new me. I don’t know how to be me anymore. ‘’

‘’I just want to be with you. Just don’t worry about it. Let’s just see how things work out. Whatever happends, I love you. ‘’

Now Even is crying again. It’s just a little tear but it’s so damn comforting not being alone. Being honest. Being brave. Because standing here with Isak it’s so easy to just be normal. Just standing here in the deserted schoolyard on a frosty December evening after Christmas, letting Isak kiss his tears away.

‘’You know that night after the party, when you ended up in my bed?’’ Isak has a little smile on his face. A little twinkle in his eye.

‘’Yes?’’ Even teases.

‘’That wasn’t just a drunk mistake, was it?’’ Isak looks so happy. Smiling. His eyes twinkling in the glow from the streetlights.

‘’No.’’ Even admits and Isak’s gloved hand is up, wiping water that is still spilling from his eyes onto his cheeks. ‘’I was so tired. I was tired and sad and lonely, in a room full of people partying I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I just wanted to feel something, and I didn’t care if you laughed in my face or punched me or if you would never speak to me again. I was piss drunk and I went downstairs to find you and tell you that I was in love with you and I would do anything to be with you. That’s how piss drunk and pathetic I was. But you were not there, your room was empty so I think I must have just curled up in your bed thinking I would wait for you. I don’t really remember anything after that. Sorry. ‘’

Isak just laughs. Kisses his eyelids. His cheeks. His lips.

 

 

‘’You silly silly boy.’’ He giggles. ‘’I’m glad you came to me. I’m so happy you came.’’

‘’Me too’’ Even sniffles and flashes a little smile. ‘’Best thing I ever did. And I couldn’t believe how cute you were when I woke up, you were all angry and tense and feisty and all I wanted to do was give you a hug. God, it was a fucked-up morning, wasn’t it?’’

‘’Mmm. It was the weirdest morning of my life I think. Also, the best morning of my life.’’ Isak does the nose rub again, but his eyes are twinkling. Almost mischievously.

‘’Why was that?’’ Even asks, reaching out and grabbing Isak’s hand as they start walking across the yard towards the road.

‘’Because I wasn’t alone. I realized I wasn’t alone and it was nice to have someone there you know? And somehow, you didn’t scare me. Well you did at first, but once you started talking and being all grumpy and funny I think I realized I liked you. That you were safe. It was nice. Really nice. ‘’

They walk in silence the rest of the way, letting their hands swing between them, gloved hands laced in a firm grip. Little glances now and then, smiles and nudges. Even seemingly lost in thought, and Isak. Well Isak.

 

Isak can’t bear it. All the anxieties that are brewing in him like angry moths in his chest. Flapping and taunting him when he should be feeling happy and calm. He has nothing to worry about. Yet he has everything to worry about. The little simple things that can so easily tip his world off it’s fine tuned axis.

‘’Come sleep with me’’ Isak blurts out as Even pulls his glove off with his teeth, so his fingers can punch the code into the keylock to open the front door to the dorm block.

‘’Of course, I will come and sleep with you. Why on earth would I sleep anywhere else?’’ Even replies and his face looks almost hurt. Like he can’t believe Isak had to ask.

‘’Good’’ Isak says. It is good. Isn’t it?

‘’You are worried again. Isak, please don’t be worried. I won’t tell anyone and I will sneak out before anyone wakes up and I will try not to make your life more complicated. I just need to be with you.’’

Fucking hell. Isak doesn’t know how Even does it. How he just stands there and looks at him, his face all open and honest and how he kind of comes out with all this bullshit that makes Isak all warm inside.

‘’I don’t want you to sneak out. I want to wake up with you in the morning. I don’t think I care what anyone thinks anymore. It’s not important. They can gossip and tease me all they want, I don’t think I care anymore.’’ Isak laughs nervously. Shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t. He honestly doesn’t care if they walk straight in to the entire dorm sitting around the table, whilst holding hands. He needs to own this. He needs to once and for all be brave and honest and figure this out. For himself. For Even.

‘’You want to be out in the open about us?’’ Even looks a little surprised. Whilst Isak shrugs his shoulders. Again.

‘’I don’t want to go back to the way things were. Things need to be different now, because I have you. Don’t I?’’

 

He doesn’t know why he feels the need to question it. Because Even is his. His. This Even. This Even who cries at a drop of a hat, who smiles so easily and who let’s Isak kiss him and who sleeps naked next to him and whose hands are all around his face whilst his lips are kissing his again and Isak just melts. Squeals a little with delight at the tongue action and kind of tries to…He needs more lessons. Needs to figure out this tongue thing. Because he is quite sure he has never seen people kiss as sloppily as Isak kisses. All lips and spit and ugh. It’s still amazing however uncoordinated and un-movie like their little make out sessions end up.

 

I have nothing to lose. He thinks. Nothing. Because Isak can’t think of anything worse right now than going back to his old life. Being alone and tired and ..lonely. He never felt lonely, but he must have been because the sheer thought of not having Even next to him is making him break out in an angst ridden sweat.

‘’Promise me’’ He pants and presses his lips to Even’s lips. A little desperately perhaps but right now he is fucking desperate. ‘’Promise me we fix this. That we make this work. Promise me things will be OK Even, because I need this. I need you to help me fix this.’’

‘’Fix what baby?’’ Even looks a little confused. ‘’Nothings broken. We’re not broken, are we?’’

‘’No’’ Isak smiles a little bit. He is being ridiculous. ‘’We’re not broken. I just don’t know how to do this. How to be us.’’

‘’Don’t worry, I don’t know how to be us either, but we will have a lot of fun figuring it out, won’t we? Because I am going to stick with you forever. Get used to it. ‘’

 

Even pushes the door open and Isak kind of get’s half carried over the doorstep, clinging to Even with his lips latched onto that mouthy mouth of his. He doesn’t even let go when he sticks his key into the door to 212:A, still far too lost in messily kissing Even’s lips and sucking on his tongue and scratching teeth against teeth and giggling softly when..

 

There is water all over the floor, flowing from the kitchen area. Isak has never seen so much water. It’s everywhere. Everywhere, as he let’s go of Even and runs towards the kitchen.

She’s on the floor, sodden from head to toe. Shivering in her wet clothes whilst the water from the sink just flows around her. She’s not even attempting to scrub anymore, barely aware of her surroundings.

‘’Noora, sweetheart. Oh fucking hell Noora’’ He sighs as he sinks down on his knees and he doesn’t even know where to start touching her. How to ground her back. How to make her even look up at him.

‘’I needed you and you weren’t here’’ she whispers. ‘’It was all too much and I couldn’t cope, so I came home because you would be here. You would make it better and you weren’t here. ‘’

Isak just looks over at Even. Thinking ‘Just go’.

 

Then thinking ‘No, please don’t go. Don’t leave me. Please help me, because this is so out of hand. Please just be you. Be everything I need you to be right now, because I can’t do this on my own anymore. Please. Just be you, because when you are you, I am fine. When you are you I can be me and we can fix this. We can fix the whole fucking world when we are together. I know we can. So. Please.

 

And Even. Even just looks at him. Looks right back at him with all that love in his eyes.

‘’I’m getting help.’’ He says. ‘’We need help.’’

 

 


	23. TWENTY THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we are almost there! Merry Little-Christmas! The 23rd in Sweden is the day when you kind of test-drive your Christmas, sampling your Christmas food, getting away with 'quality control' of everything and anything and wrapping all your presents whilst panik!!!!-ing on the inside. 
> 
> Well. I'm off to silently scream into the fridge since it's +12 degrees here and I have no space in the fridge and cannot store my Christmas ham outside. 
> 
> First world problems. Also the matching Christmas pJ set's I ordered for the kids? One out of three turned up. This will be fun later....
> 
> Anyway thank you so much for hanging with me this Christmas! I as always go all warm and mushy at all the comments and love.  
> Two more chapters to go. 
> 
> Let's do this.

TWENTY-THREE

She’s bad. Isak has seen Noora in every state she has been in. She can be happy and lively and insanely snarky and funny and sarcastic and flirty. She can also be lost. So far away in her head that he doesn’t think she will ever find herself back into the real world, her eyes glazed over and dead. Her body just limp as he drags her along the corridor towards her room. 

He needs to switch this water off he thinks, but he files it away for later. He can mop water all night, that doesn’t matter. Right now Noora needs calm. She needs help. She needs him. 

It’s something he has thought about before, long before he met Noora. He functions well when he is needed. When someone needs him, he can direct all his focus on that and kind of forget about everything else clouding his brain. And he thinks that maybe he has it all wrong. Maybe he needs to go into Emergency medicine. Because his brain can cope with this, rash decisions and quick plans and pushing the non-important things to the back of his mind. 

Because he doesn’t even think about what he is doing as he switches the shower on in Noora’s bathroom. Checks that the temperature is nice and warm, before turning around and starting to remove her clothes. 

Her head is bowed, her eyes closed. She is still too weak to protest as he unbuttons her blouse and gently pulls the thin fabric over her shoulders. 

She is too thin, her skin prickled with chills. He needs to check her diet, try to get some more food into her. He needs to go shopping with her and talk about fats and carbohydrates and good oils. Then he almost laughs at himself thinking, he should teach himself a thing or two about good diets and not burning more calories than you eat. Not that that has been a problem over Christmas, but he is a right hypocrite standing here lecturing Noora in his head when his own diet is frankly shocking. 

‘’Turn around sweetie’’ he says as he pulls her trousers down and she steps out of the wet clothes pooling by her feet, her arms crossing over her chest as he unfastens her bra and lets it fall to the floor in front of her. 

‘’Don’t leave me’’ she whispers.  
‘’Not leaving. I am right here and we are going to fix everything. Just stand here in the shower and get warm and I will go and turn the water off and then I will sit with you. OK? Everything is fine. Everything is good. Just get warm.’’ 

He has to push her into the spray of water, leaving her underpants where they are. It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t mind, he knows that. They are well beyond a bit of awkward nudity, he thinks to himself.

He has seen Noora at her worst. And she sees him pretty much naked, like he might be wearing clothes but with Noora he has always been himself. Bare and honest. Just being him. No anxieties. No worries. No pretending. 

He pulls the shower curtain around her and kicks the wet clothes aside with his foot. He is pretty much soaked himself, but he doesn’t care. There are things that need to be done.  
He jogs down the corridor to the kitchen, only to stop dead in his tracks. 

Because the kitchen is a bit more crowded than when he left it. There are a bunch of dudes there, in hoodies and pj pants and buckets and a dude that he kind of knows is called Mahdi from his year is carrying a pile of towels through the door, giving Isak a nod with his head. 

‘’Disney Prince. Merry Christmas Dude.’’  
‘’Merry Christmas’’ Isak says, awkwardly. He doesn’t know where to look.

‘’Yousef, I’ll start pushing the water down the corridor if we can get it out the front door that saves us mopping it up.’’ Even says passing a mop to the dude who is apparently Yousef. A tall slick guy with swept back hair who smiles at Isak and reaches his hand out. 

‘’Hi. Yousef. You’re Isak?’’ he says like its fine. Like this is completely chill.

‘’Isak’’ Isak nods and his body is on fire. Screaming RED ALERT RED ALERT whilst his muscles are paralyzed. He can’t move. He can’t do anything but stand there like an idiot.

‘’Isak, Mikael and Adam are upstairs heating up food for us all, they will be down to help too, I just woke Chris up, he is just getting dressed and he will bring more towels. Magnus and I will mop like crazy and Elias is bringing more buckets. There are some in the laundry block, and rags, so we will have this cleaned up in no time. You are out of cleaning stuff, think she tipped it all out, so we will have to pick stuff up tomorrow. No biggie. ‘’ Even is shrugging his shoulders and looking at Isak. Like Isak is expected to reply. 

Isak can’t say a thing. Not with all these people here. Not like this. Not when Even looks amazing, all handsome and cool with his hair slicked back and his hoodie slung over his torso and his head held high like he is the king of everything. Not whilst all these dudes are staring at him waiting for him to speak. Not when everyone is expecting Isak to be something he is definitely not. 

So, he just nods weakly and turns around. Walks briskly until he stops by Noora’s door, when a hand hit’s his shoulder. 

‘’What? He snarls. Because he doesn’t know what he is doing right now. Hasn’t got a clue. He’s not safe. He’s not anywhere near calm.

‘’How is she?’’

The boy is speaking. Well okay, he’s not a boy. He is tall and wide and his floppy fringe is all over his face and his eyes are dark and he looks so worried that Isak kind of calms down. A tiny bit.

‘’Bad’’ He says. ‘’And you are?’’

‘’William’’ The dude says and grabs Isak’s hand. Shakes it a bit and then asks again. ‘’How is she? Can I help? Please tell me what to do because I can’t just stand here and do nothing when she is hurting.’’

Isak wants to laugh. I mean what does this dude know about hurting? What the hell does he know about having a hard life? How on earth can he understand anything about the world being a black hole with no way of crawling back up into the light? This guy doesn’t know shit. 

Instead he says ‘’Can you see if you can find her some pyjamas? Something warm and soft and comforting, something she will feel safe in?’’ 

And William just nods and pushes past Isak, kicking his shoes off in the small hallway before opening the wardrobe. 

She’s still in the shower and Isak switches the water off, letting one of the towels neatly stacked on the shelf unfold in front of him. She steps into his embrace, and he relaxes as he folds his arms around her. Moves the soft towelling over her back in strong firm movements. Trying to calm himself down as much as it seems to soothe her. She is breathing better now. Strong steady breaths against his chest, not the erratic huffs she was letting out earlier. 

‘’You are going to be fine. I’m going to get some clothes on you now. OK? ‘’ He keeps his voice low. Strong but soft. He’s in control. She only has to follow. No need to think. Just shut off your brain and rest. Heal. It will be fine. Everything will be fine. 

This William dude is solid, he thinks as there is an arm reaching in with a bunch of clothing. He’s done good. A soft cotton vest, and a fleece top. Brushed pyjama pants and bed socks. Good thinking. Soft and warm and comforting to the soul. 

Isak almost giggles again. He has definitely spent too much time with Even’s mum, because is hands are around Noora’s face and he can’t help smile a little as she looks back at him.  
‘’You are loved.’’ He says before he can stop himself. ‘’You are so much loved. Go lie down and rest now, and tomorrow is a new day. Everything will be fine. ‘’ And she nods. Nods and closes her eyes again. 

She is. She is loved. Because has realised some truths this Christmas. Learned some interesting facts. Like that he has friends. He has people who love him. And he is not alone, by far. He has people who love him back, he knows that. It might just be words, a random hug from an excited child. A baby squealing whilst pulling his hair. But it feels good. It feels so very very good.

‘’Noora, this is William’’ He says as he slowly leads her into her room, that William, and Isak really thinks that this dude is pretty awesome now, because William has made up her bed, pulled the covers back and pulled the curtains. The bedside light is on low and he is sitting on the floor flipping through one of the books she keeps neatly stacked by her desk. ‘’William is here to help look after you. He is safe, I promise.’’

Well Isak doesn’t know about safe. He doesn’t know this dude at all and by all means he might be a total psycho and be more fucked up in the head than he seems, but Even said he likes Noora. Even said he is fine. So, in Isak’s book that will do, because there is so much going on in Isak’s head right now that he thinks Even has probably saved the fucking day again. Isak needs help. So, he grabs it.

‘’William, can you sit with Noora for a bit? Whilst I go and get dry and change?’’

William just nods as Isak folds the duvet over Noora, who has crawled into the foetus position on the bed, her arms tight around her knees. 

‘’Don’t touch her without asking her if it’s ok. She doesn’t like to be touched unless she has told you it’s OK. Just talk to her, tell her something. Keep her calm. ‘’ 

Isak is doing his pseudo Doctor thing again but William doesn’t seem to mind. He just sits there with his eyes firmly on Noora.

‘’Hi Noora. I’m William. Is it all right that I am here?’’ He looks concerned. His voice at the right pitch. And Isak wonders if he is a medical student too, because he has actually never paid enough attention to the guys upstairs to even notice them. Wonder who they are. Figure out their place in the world. 

He thinks he might be a bit of an arsehole deep down. Because by the time Isak has cleaned up Noora’s shower and put her clothes in her laundry basket and hung the towel on the hook on the wall, he finds William holding Noora’s hand. His thumb stroking gently over her broken skin. He is reading from the book in his hand, his voice low and soothing.  
Something in Isak breaks a little, because this. It’s maybe something. Maybe this is something that could be good. 

Yet a tiny part of him is angry, fuelled by some irrational jealousy.

This should be his job. This is his place, on the floor, with Noora’s hand in his. This is what he does. Sits there and soothes her thoughts until she is asleep and calm. He has even on occasion dozed off with his head against the mattress, his hand never leaving hers. 

Yet this is not his place. His place is still a bit murky in his head, but he needs to go be with Even. He needs a hug. 

He needs to find out if this Even is still his Even.

This cool tall straight-laced dude out there in the corridor pushing the water down the hallway, shouting demands to the other guys who are roaming around in the common room of 212:A.

He needs to tell them to be quiet. To not upset Noora any further.  
But her face is calm. Her eyes closed, her head relaxed against the pillow in the soft light. 

This could be good. He thinks. This could be just what she needs. Someone who could maybe be everything to her that Isak could never be. 

So he leaves, closing the door gently behind him.


	24. TWENTY FOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD JUL!!! Merry Christmas everyone! One more chapter to drop tomorrow. xxx

 

 

TWENTY-FOUR

 

Isak had slipped into his room unnoticed. Hiding away like he has always done. He is the fucking master of being invisible. Like always.

It’s like nothing has changed, like he is still 16 hiding from everyone around him at school, feeling frightened and jumpy. Scared of his own shadow. He is not brave anymore. He is just nobody.

His clothes are in a pile on the floor and he kicks them angrily into the wall with his foot as he steps into the shower. He hadn’t noticed how cold he was until now, wet from the damp clothes and probably a little bit exhausted. It’s been a weird day. Like it feels like it was lightyears ago that he woke up in Even’s bed and went running and had coffee and he can’t even remember all the crazy things they did today.

He hasn’t eaten for a while. He is tired. He is still shivering under the warm spray and he is pissed off. He knew this would end badly. He knew this was a fucking stupid idea. Like he fell for the whole fairy-tale that this could have been his life.

 

Of course, it wouldn’t.

 

Because Isak Valtersen is just who he is. An insecure freaking fucking loser.

 

He was fine an hour ago.

And now. He is not so fine now he thinks as he slams the handle for the shower to the wall and rubs the towel a little too vigorously against his head. Scratches the hard fabric against his skin until it’s red and angry.

Fucking Fucking Fucking Shit.

He wants to go out there and steal Even back. Get them both on a train and go back to Moss.

Fuck he might just go on his own. He would do anything to crawl up in the safety of Even’s bed, with the squeaky bedframe and the thin mattress and the Star Wars covers that just scream safety and love and home to him.

Instead he pulls on a track suit and some mismatched socks and hopes that there is still some power left in his laptop because he can’t for his life remember where he last saw the charger.

He wants to scream. Shout. Cry. Curl up in a ball like Noora and just rock himself into a stupor.

Even loves him. He loves Even. It doesn't make any sense right now. It's almost like he imagined it all. Made it up in his head like some stupid daydream. It's just too much. Too much for his body to take. Too much pain and rejection and disappointment and anger and all these feelings that he just cant deal with right now. His body can't deal with them. His body just can't do anything right now. He just sinks. Every muscle in his body relaxing as he stumbles onto he bed, head first at the sound of the door handle being pushed down.

He doesn’t care anymore. His whole body just collapsing. One cell at a time.

 

‘’Hey’’. Even is right there. On the bed. Arms tightly curling around him.

‘’Baby.’’ Even says and now it’s Isak who wants to cry. Fuck. He thought he was good at this love thing. He is fucking crap at it.

But Even is all around him. Legs over his legs, arms around his body. His face in his neck. His lips everywhere. Kissing and nuzzling and Isak’s tears are stupid. Freaking stupid. This fucking body of his. No control.

‘’I love you’’ His mouth says and Even is smiling against his cheek. He can tell. He can tell everything.

 

‘’I love you too. Come, Foods ready outside. Mikael’s mum makes these amazing flatbreads, and there is lamb kofta and chicken stew that smells divine. You eat it all with your hands with this white garlic sauce, and it’s just amazing. Don’t let Adam trick you into trying his chilli’s though. They are Mauritian pickled chillies, tiny little things that look all cute and innocent until they blow your tongue out. Trust me. Say no to the chillies.’’

‘’I don’t know.’’ Isak starts. It’s lame. He is a coward. He is scared. He’s a fucking grown up and he is terrified of a bunch of perfectly normal students.

‘’Don’t be scared, I will be right next to you. Everyone is shattered and it’s been a long day. We all just need to eat and then we are going back to bed. And Chris was shagging some girl, he made her come down too, she looks bloody terrified. He’s such an arse with the girls, but I think he likes this one. Come, you can help talk to her before she faints.’’ Even lets out a little smile.

And Isak turns around. Wriggles until his nose is right against Even’s. Places a tiny little kiss on the tip of his nose.

 

‘’Kissing lesson number one’’ Even whispers. ‘’Kisses go on the lips. On my lips. OK?’’

‘’Not on your nose?’’ Isak teases. His voice a tiny bit sarcastic. The bubbles in his veins back. His body going all love-stupid again.

‘’OK, sometimes on the nose, but right now I need kisses on my lips. Just here. Your mouth on mine. Just soft soft soft. There…..’’

And Isak is a good student. Of course, he is. He kisses. Kisses like he means it. Soft and sweet and fuck, these lessons are no good. Because there is that tongue and there is lips and he is fucking starving when it comes to Even. Even who tastes of love and happiness and Christmas and sugar and who makes all the anger and sadness in Isak’s stomach disappear with just a press of his mouth to his.

Fucking magic.

He's somehow ended up straddling Even, still out of breath and lightheaded from kissing. From being loved. From the freaking adrenaline that shoots through his body every time Even touches him. Every time Even kisses him. Well fuck his body seems to go into meltdown as soon as he is in the same fucking room. Bloody hell.

''What are you doing to me?'' he laughs into Even's mouth.

''Loving you'' Even whispers back. 

Well his body seems to like that. Isak grabs a pillow. Hit's Even over the head like he has lost his mind. He has. It's true. He doesn't know to deal with this happiness that is brewing in him. Like a few minutes ago he was crying into his fucking pillow and now he can't stop laughing. Can't stop hitting Even over the head with the pillow. Even who is laughing and grabbing at him and trying to wrestle him back into the mattress. Even who kisses him. Even who loves him. He loves him. Oh bloody hell. It's freaking lovely. 

‘’Come eat’’ Even whispers. ‘’then I will throw them all out and take you to bed and give you the best attempt of a blowjob you have ever had.’’

‘’The only blowjob I have ever had.’’ Isak giggles.

‘’First of many’’ Even laughs. ‘’Is Noora OK?’’

‘’William is sitting with her. I’ll go check on her in a bit.’’

‘’Good. He needs her. He is so lost, he just needs someone to need him. He is one of those people who has so much to give but doesn’t know how to give it. I think he would be good for her, and she would be so good for him. If they can just talk and hang out, maybe it would be a good start?’’

Isak could reply. He could go into a long discussion about Noora and her needs and how another man in her life would probably be as good for her as a hole in the head, but Even. Even is just right. As always. Even who kisses him and is holding him and whose fingertip is under the elastic in Isak’s joggers and Isak is now braving up to just pull his damn pants down and shove his cock down Even’s throat like some Alpha male in a Game of Thrones or something.

‘’Come Eat.’’ Even begs and tugs at the elastic. Whilst Isak’s cock is turning everything that comes out of Even’s mouth into something dirty full of promises. Yes, he will eat. Then he will get blown. Then he wants to blow Even. Then he wants... Fuck.

‘’Food’’ Isak whispers. ‘’Then sex.’’

‘’Absolutely’’ Even whispers back, the smile on his face wider than ever. ‘’Lots of sex. Naked. In your bed. ‘’

‘’Epic’’ Isak laughs. He is fucking ridiculous. He just doesn’t care anymore.

 

Even knows. He does. He understands. He just needs to do this.

 

It’s probably selfish in a way but fuck, if he can just make a start here, in the safety of the people who he kind of think of as family, then maybe, maybe he can make this right. Make things work for both of them.

So, what if he practically drags Isak out in the kitchen? The boy needs to eat. They both need to eat.

And so what, if Isak is terrified? He shouldn’t be. Because Even is right there, his hand supportively on the small of Isak’s back as he pushes him around the table and makes introductions to the boys who are enthusiastically shaking Isak’s hand whilst tucking into the boxes of food on the table in front of them. All served with plastic spoons on kitchen roll.

‘’Classy shit’’ Mikael laughs and hands Isak a sheet of Kitchen roll. ‘’Less washing up. We just stuff everything in the bin. Done.’’ He wipes his hands and hands Isak a warm flatbread, whilst Even shuffles nervously behind him.

‘’Sit! ‘’ Adam says and puts his hand on Even’s shoulder. ‘’Eat dude. You look like you are about to faint. ‘’

‘’Been a long day’’ Even lies. Again. He has to stop this fucking lying, because it makes him feel sick to his stomach. Honestly.

‘’Good Christmas then everyone?’’ Chris wonders, and shoves another mouthful in his mouth. ‘’I love your mum Mikael, she can come cook for us anytime.’’

‘’Remember in May when she travelled down and cooked a feast upstairs? She was horrified at the state of the fridge, so she went down to Grønland on the bus and bought all these ingredients and filled the freezer with little bags of rice and stews and bread. We lived like kings.’’ Elias is smiling and the others are all nodding in agreement.

‘’Yeah, We all lived like kings for about a week until you lot had finished everything and then we were back on noodles again. She’s coming down on February, she promised.’’ Mikael is smiling and Adam is just looking at Mikael again, with that little smile that Even envies. The smile that tells a million stories.

It says I love you. It says I am so fucking proud that you are mine. It kind of says ‘’please’’ as well. Please just love me as much as I love you because without you my life would just fall apart. So many things in just one look. And now Even has that. Well he hopes he has that.  He looks over at Isak who is nervously picking up a piece of lamb with his fingers, then relaxing as the taste hit’s his tongue.

Even can almost taste it, the rich spices, the saltiness and chilli coming through as an afterthought when you bite into the tender meat. He picks up his own meat, but it kind of grows in his mouth. He can barely swallow it.

‘’Boys?’’ he calls out, whilst a bead of sweat falls down his forehead. He needs to do this. Get it over and done with before he loses the plot.

The table falls silent. All eyes on him. And he looks over at Isak. Reaches out and carefully places his hand on Isak’s, right there on the top of the table. His eyes pleading. Trying to say I’m sorry but please let me do this. For me. Because I need to start somewhere, and this is the only place to start. Because I love you. Please.

 

‘’Thank you for helping. You were brilliant. Honestly. Thank you.’’

There are mumbles around the table. Supportive words and easy nods. They would have helped. Anytime. Of course. Always.

‘’I took food down for William and his girl, they’re fine’’ Elias says, and everyone nods. Looking expectantly at Even like he is supposed to tell them what happens now. Like he is supposed to have all the answers.

He usually does. He is usually the ringmaster. The one with the ideas. The one who pulls the strings.

They expect him to take the lead, to be the one who keeps them moving. The one who makes them all laugh with his stupid reckless little stunts.

‘’Isak and I are together.’’ Even says. And his heart is beating so fast that he can barely breathe for the static that is whizzing in his ears. ‘’I love him. He’s my boyfriend, and I love him.’’ Then he finally breathes out. There is no going back now. ‘’He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, he is kind and funny and wonderful and he makes me happy. I just need you to know. That he is with me, and I am with him.’’

‘’We kind of knew that’’ Elias says, his voice low and kind.

‘’You have kind of been obsessed with him for a while. Good on you.’’ Even barely knows who is speaking. They’re all kind of speaking at the same time and Even feels a little bit dizzy.

‘’Finally.’’ ''Yay'' ''Cool'' There are nods. Words of kindness. Laughter. But it is kind laughter.

‘’Good Man’’ Yousef says and drags Even up from his chair, enfolding him in a hug. ‘’You deserve it. Be happy dude.’’

‘’Here’’ Someone is handing him a drink. ‘’You look a bit pale.’’

He drinks. Not that he knows what it is, but he takes a gulp from the glass handed to him and looks over at Isak. He barely dares to. Doesn’t know what he will get.

 

They didn’t quite talk about this. Telling everyone. Well they mentioned it. Kind of. And now Even has kind of outed them. To everyone. Just like that.

‘’HEEEEEYYYYYYYY’’’

They all turn around to find Chris standing behind them, with her suitcase and a massive grin on her face. ‘’Who said you lot could party down here? And who forgot to invite me?’’ She wriggles her hip and throws her coat on the floor! ‘’Bring me food slaves, Queen Chris has arrived!’’

Everyone laughs, the chatter and giggles filling the room,  and Even finally dares to look. Meet Isak’s eyes.

 

Isak who is sitting there with the biggest smile on his face. His eyes all twinkling and proud. Isak looks proud. He looks so fucking happy and proud and gorgeous and Even can't stop himself. He leans over and presses his lips to Isak. Hard and fast and arms and they are kissing and it’s hard to kiss because he is smiling so much that his kissing is just a mess. All teeth and lips and their noses pressed against each other.

‘’I love you too’’ Isak says.

He does. He loves this Even. This brave crazy strong wonderful Even, who just sits there smiling as Isak kisses him again. Lots of little uncoordinated kisses all over Even’s face. On his lips. His cheeks. His cheekbones. Top of his eyes. He loves him.

 

‘’Oh, fucking hell. You lot really are fucking, aren’t you?’’ Chris shouts above the chatter from the table and again everything falls quiet as all eyes are on them. On Even. And on Isak who climbs onto Even’s lap, his arms around his neck, clinging to his boyfriend like an overfriendly monkey.

‘’Hell yes.’’ Isak laughs. Of course, we are.

 

He doesn’t know how to stop now that he has started. He doesn’t know how he has become this brave. How he is kind of calm about all this. With all these people sitting around the table, back to chatting and laughing and eating like there is nothing wrong. Like this is OK. Like this is a thing he could get used to.

He thinks maybe he was wrong all along. Maybe these guys aren’t that bad. They are just humans. Pretty decent humans, as he meets one the guys eye down the table. The blonde one, he thinks his name is Magnus. Well this Magnus is lifting his beer can up, nodding at Isak and giving him a thumbs-up, like he is a friend. Smiling supportively, then winking when Isak smiles back.

So, he does what he knows best. He wraps his arms around Even’s neck and breathes in the scent of his hair. Squeezes him and holds him and Even does that thing on Isak’s back with his hands. Slow strong strokes and Isak would purr if he could. Stay here where it’s safe. With Even.

 

‘’Come on. Take me to bed Baby’’ Even whispers.

And Isak just nods. This. This here. Fuck. He laughs out loud.

What the hell just happened to his life?

‘’Night boys’’ Even shouts to the table as he drags Isak towards the door. ‘’Keep it quiet and fucking clean up’’

‘’Somewhere you boys need to be?’’ Mahdi shouts and everyone roars with laughter as Even sticks his finger up.

‘’Love you guys’’ Even shouts back and Isak can’t help himself. He just laughs. He let’s Even drag him down the corridor, his hand in his. Laughter spilling out of his mouth and happiness fluttering in his stomach.

‘’Come on baby, let’s get naked’’ Even laughs.

‘’Blowjob time’’ Isak giggles.

‘’I’m going to blow your fucking mind’’ Even whispers back.

And Isak thinks, you already have baby. You’ve blown it out of the water. 

 


	25. TWENTY FIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ''Hva synes du om meg?'' *does Isak's annoyed face* ''A whole fic with no smut?'' 
> 
> No. I didn't think so. Merry Christmas.

TWENTY-FIVE

 

This being naked in bed is pretty cool. Liberating. Isak has never slept naked. Never liked the bareness. It never felt safe, whilst now, he never wants to wear clothes again.

Not when he is lying flat on his back with his legs spread out for the world to see and Even is pressing little kisses down his chest and Isak’s cock is right in the game. Throbbing and filling and tapping against his groin as Even’s fingers are dancing over his skin. Little feather light touches on his hips. Stroking gently over his bellybutton, circling the skin around his nipples, teasing, denying him what he really wants.

 

Fuck he wants.

He wants Even to touch him. As long as Even touches him he is fine. And touching.

God.

He loves touching. Not that he can reach very much right now, where his fingers are back tangled in Even’s hair. Pushing him closer, and guiding him mouth to where he needs him.

He said. He promised. He. Ugh.

‘’Tell me what you need. You need to tell me what feels good’’ Even whispers.

‘’Jhjjjslllslskk’’ Isak moans. Because there are lips on the head of his cock. Soft kisses over his slit. And Isak arches his hips, because there is just no way he can’t. He feels like a puppet where Even is holding the strings, every little touch making his body do things he just can’t control. Like his legs that are kicking off even though Even is straddling him and pushing all his weight on his limbs. They still jerk and kick with every little lick of Even’s tongue, flicking over his skin. Over the foreskin, teasing the soft loose skin on around the opening. Little licks up and down his shaft. Then open-mouthed kisses over his balls. And Isak is making sounds, noises and spilling out words that make no sense at all.

‘’Do you mind if I play with your balls?’’ Even asks, his fingers stroking gently over the taught skin. Rolling Isak’s testicles between his fingers. And Isak moans in reply. Because he couldn’t speak if he tried. Instead he mumbles and blubbers out sounds like he is speaking in tongues attending some wild and wacky church meet where everyone is off their heads.

Well he is definitely off his head. Even, because he’s got one of Isak’s balls in his mouth, sucking gently and pulling a little and Isak isn’t quite sure that this is his thing, but he wriggles his hips and Even lets him go with a little pop.

‘’Ball play. You can do it to me, I kind of dig it.’’ He giggles. Then he opens his mouth and just stares at Isak. Isak who stares back. He wants to watch. But he doesn’t. Because he is no doubt about to truly embarrass himself.

He is close. It’s not going to take much.

He is beautiful Even thinks. All wild and unhinged and craning his neck up so he can watch. Which is hot. It’s fucking hot. He is grateful for the light because if the room was dark he would miss all these amazing little things. Like the blush on Isak’s chest. The way his breath is making his lungs pump. How his mouth is hanging open and how he closes his eyes when Even lets his lips close around the head of his cock.

He tastes just as he looks. Fucking delicious.

There is salty fluid spilling into his mouth, and soft throbbing against his tongue. Just little jerks of his cock where he is trying to hold back. He knows. He knows this feeling. The last seconds of almost painful pleasure before you fall over the edge and swan dive into orgasm. It’s dizzying being the one to do this, making someone come.

Sex was never like this before, and to be honest Even doesn’t think he has ever had sex sober. He’s never been so hellbent of making someone feel good, and right now he is freaking acing it as Isak lets out another desperate moan.

It’s a heady feeling, being able to do this. To make someone you love fall apart. And to have someone trust you enough to do this, to let go and just lie back and feel. Because Isak’s head is thrown back, and his eyes are closed, and Even might have to have words about this hair pulling, because he quite likes to have his hair attached to his head, and Isak seems to have this thing for burying his hands in Evens scalp and tugging at it. Not that Even minds. But still. He doesn’t want to go bald however hot this bossy version of Isak is. The one that pushes his head down, making Isak’s cock slide into Even’s mouth.

He’s big. It’s not comfortable. But fuck it’s hot. And it’s so freaking sexy the way Isak clearly loses the plot. His hips are jerking and his legs kicking out and Even doesn’t want this to stop. This helpless desperation in Isak’s body as he starts to slowly bob his head. Up and down. Using his tongue to create movement. Licking the head as he comes off, flicking his tongue and then taking him all the way down in one steady stroke as Isak roars up above him. Shakes and shouts and tugs at Even’s hair to the point that it is a little bit painful.

 

Not that Even minds. He’s hard. Very very hard. And if he leans his shoulder just so, he can use one hand to work the base of Isak’s cock, steady strokes in tune with his mouth, and the other hand.

Oh Yeah.  Here we go. Much better.

He swallows Isak down and starts pumping his own cock in time with his mouth. Slow steady strokes with his mouth sucking around the tip. His other hand moving faster. The familiar feeling rushing closer as Isak seems to get louder and louder. Tugging and pushing. Shouting that he loves him. He is pretty sure that is what Isak is shouting. He loves him. It’s a bit hard to hear with all the noises rushing through Even’s head. The sound of his mouth. The drool dripping from his chin. The salty taste on his tongue and the scent of Isak. All musky and soft and Even loves this.

 

‘’Stop!’’ Isak shouts, and then he pushes Even’s head away.

He is sitting up, all wild and unhinged and glassy eyed and his cock wet from spit and oh god. Even wants to just eat him up. Kiss him and touch him and fuck please let me suck your cock again.

‘’I want you to fuck me.’’ Isak looks determined. Unhinged but determined.

‘’We don’t have to do everything in one night baby’’ Even tries. ‘’It’s a big thing to have anal sex. Not everyone likes it and I don’t want to hurt you. We need to take it slow, we got loads of time…..’’

‘’No!’’ Isak shouts. ‘’Because we might get an atom bomb dropped on us tomorrow or some shit like that, and then we would die without ever have truly had sex, and I want to have sex with you. I want to feel what it’s like to have you inside me and I want to be yours and then I want to be the one to have sex with you. I want to be the only one you ever have sex with. Because you are mine. Mine. I want to make sure. I want….’’

‘’Shhuuuusshhh baby’’ Even coos and he is all over Isak. Lying on top of him kissing his face and kissing that mouth of his that is still trying to speak. ‘’Just relax and let me make you feel good. And Whatever you want I will give you.’’ He kisses Isak’s lips. Letting his forehead rest against Isak’s. Just breathing.

‘’Then do it. Fuck me. I know I can take it. I have played with myself before, you just need to loosen me up a little. ‘’ Isak is slurring. Like he is drunk.

‘’We haven’t got any lube. Or condoms.’’ Even kisses him again.

‘’I might do’’ Isak whispers and hides his face in Even’s neck.

‘’I did a clinical trial for Professor Alsop’s dermatology class. Testing stuff. This Latex allergy alternatives study. I have a box full under my bed. I was supposed to hand it out to people and then ask what they thought for a study. I cheated. I just made it all up for my report. I never used any of the stuff.’’

‘’You naughty little minx’’ Even laughs, his head already bent over the side of the bed tugging at a cardboard box stuck under the frame.

‘’I cheated. Still got the extra credit.’’ Isak is on his stomach, his face in the pillow. ‘’I have never done anything like that before but I just couldn’t do it.’’

‘’Wow’’ Even sits up and with the open box on his lap. ‘’Fuck’’.

‘’What?’’ Isak doesn’t even look up.

‘’Cock rings? Seriously Isak? And Super smooth latex alternative extra strong Condoms? Astroglide light? For sensitive skin? We are going to have so much fun, it’s like fucking Christmas in a box.’’

‘’It is Christmas you prat’’ Isak laughs into the pillow.

‘’I know’’ Even says and throws himself down next to Isak. Kisses his shoulder.

‘’Look at me’’ he says and Isak reluctantly turns his head.

‘’You want to do this?’’

Isak just nods.

‘’I need this. I need not to have any doubts about us. I need to know that we are it.’’

‘’It?’’

‘’Yeah. Forever. You and me.’’

‘’You don’t …. ‘’Even starts but Isak smashes his hand over Even’s mouth.

‘’We do.’’ He says. ‘’I do.’’

‘’So fucking bossy’’ Even mumbles under Isak’s hand. And Isak removes his hand and replaces it with his mouth.

‘’Do it.’’’ He says. Then his mouth is back on Even’s. Eating his mouth like it’s dessert.

 

Isak is all over him, straddling him and crawling all over his body. He’s like a kid on Christmas morning again, playing with his new toy not knowing where to start. And Even doesn’t have the heart to slow him down, because in all his uncoordinated unhinged glory, Isak is like no one else Even has ever seen. He’s doing this. All in. His mouth licking lines down Even’s chest. Sucking bruises into his hipbones whilst his fingers are stroking Even’s cock. Up and down, just soft featherlight strokes that make Even whinge out in frustration and thrust his hips into Isak’s hands. Begging. Please. Just touch me and give me what I need.

So, he just lets himself lie there, his hands clumsily resting on Isak’s shoulders as Isak places little kisses on Even’s cock. Little licks and sucks. His hands kneading Even’s buttocks as his mouth wreaks havoc down on the inside of his legs. He will be bruised tomorrow. Blotches of red already following Isak’s trail of destruction down his chest. And he loves it. He loves the way Isak is manhandling him, tugging at his hips to get a better angle. Licking under his balls. Kissing him. Down there. He is fucking down there and his mouth is there and Even just squeals as his legs gets forced apart.

‘’Lube’’ Isak demands from between his legs and Even grapples desperately in the box. Sachets. Bottles. Boxes hitting the floor as he tips the whole lot out on the bed and hands Isak the bottle.

Fuck. He thought this was something he might not be into. He has seen porn OK? He knows what this entails. The idea of it is hot as fuck. Reality? Awkward.

His legs are clamping around Isak’s head. Isak who has his finger down there, and there is this slippery lube shit dripping everywhere and then Isak shuffles up and fuck.

He has gotten blown before. Not that he kind of remembers much, but he has had a wet hot mouth on his cock before. Yet he feels like a bloody virgin on his wedding night. Fuck. Because Isak’s mouth is just something else. He might be a bit heavy handed with the kissing, but fucking hell he knows his way around Even’s cock. Even might be the one who needs bloody lessons.

‘’You need to teach me how to do that, it feels bloody amazing’’ Even howls as the tip of Even’s cock hits the back of Isak’s throat. Then Isak swallows or something and there are explosions going on up Even’s spine and his legs are up in the air and fucking hell is that a finger? Up his bum?

He thinks he is howling but he might just be kind of spluttering out spit and drooling because something that feels this weird cant possibly feel amazing at the same time. But it does. And Isak’s finger is moving in and out in soft little movements, just slowly as his mouth is doing indescribable torturous acts to his cock. Seriously, the fireworks in his spine has just doubled as he pretty much rolls on the bed with Isak still attached to his cock as Isak pulls out and then there is this delicious pressure as he sticks his fingers back in. Fingers. There is definitely more than one finger up his arse. Filling him up and Even wants. He wants more. Yes, it’s weird, and maybe it’s not entirely painless but it’s fucking sexy and he can’t believe he even thinks it but he still shouts it. Shouts it out.

‘’Do it.’’ He shouts.

‘’Do what Baby?’’ Isak replies before sinking down over Even’s cock again as Even just groans. Loudly, He never realized he was this vocal in bed. Fucking hell.

‘’Fuck me ‘’ He roars and rolls over on his stomach.

He is behaving like some sex deprived slut sticking his arse in the air with no shame and burying his face in the pillows. He promised Isak to fuck him. Yet here he is stealing the show again. Being selfish and arrogant and needy and fucking hell it’s even better like this with Isak on his knees behind him and his fingers are going even deeper now, and yes yes yes yes yes….when he just angles his bum up like that it’s like nothing else. Oh fuck. OH yes.

‘’Is that it?’’ Isak says, his voice full of awe. ‘’Is that your prostate?’’

Even would reply. But he is kind of seeing stars.

Then Isak removes his fingers and Even whinges like a baby. Squeals and begs and whimpers until Isak is right there and there is something pressing against him and there it is. The pressure. Fuck. Shit.

They weren’t kidding. It’s fucking weird and stretching and oh god and his body is tensing up and his spine is arching and Isak’s hands are all over his back soothing him and please stop yet fuck please don’t stop because oh god.

Even can’t even think. It’s just. Oh. Oh god.

And Isak can’t even look. He can’t believe he is doing this.

Maybe he should have made things clear.

Maybe he should have prepped Even more.

Maybe he should have.

 

‘’CONDOM’’ Isak shrieks and pulls out.

 

‘’GET THE FUCK BACK IN THERE’’ Even screams back.

 

‘’Need a condom!!’’ Isak scrambles desperately across the bed, trying to rip open a box with his teeth.

 

‘’FUCK THE CONDOM, you are already in there and we fucking won’t need them.’’

 

‘’I’m clean I’m a fucking virgin’’ Isak squeals.

 

‘’I give blood I get tested every 3 months and I haven’t had sex for over a year. Get the hell back in there’’ Even screams.

 

‘’Why are we shouting?’’ Isak shouts.

 

‘’You’re the fucking doctor now fuck the hell out of me before I slam you down on this bed and fuck you instead.’’

 

‘’Bloody bossy you guys upstairs’’ Isak snarls.

 

And Even just pouts and pushes his bum back up in the air. What the hell has gotten into him? Then he kind of looses his mind as Isak pushes back in, his cock wet with more lube and it’s bloody amazing. Slick and hard and filling him up and he is shifting his legs and Isak is gripping his hips and then he trusts. Hard. Pulls back out and pushes back in.

 

Even’s not ready. He is nowhere near ready. It’s hard. It’s a little bit, Oh fuck. It hurts. A little. But it’s.

Yes.

There it is.

Oh yes.

 

And Isak just can’t understand how he didn’t know. How he has gone for so long with out this. This amazing thing that the world raves about.

Sex. Because it’s fucking awesome.

 

He tries to bend over to get to Even’s lips, but he’s too fucking tall and Isak is too bloody short and anatomy is a fucking awkward thing because he can’t reach anything, however hard he tries to slam his hips against Even’s arse and still get a grip on Even’s cock which is coming back to life under the palm of his hand.

So, he forces himself to pull out, and flips Even over.

Even who is all lost. Completely gone. Eyes closed and panting and his face is all red and his hands are shaking as Isak pushes his legs up in the air.

It’s undignified at it’s best, but Isak needs this. He loves this. He needs this to be perfect. He doesn’t care if this is not following the rules. He doesn’t care if this is not the way it should be done. He just wants to love Even the way Even deserves to be loved he thinks as he lines himself up and pushes back in.

And it’s even better this way he thinks as Even is slowly pumping his cock between them and Isak bends over and smashes his lips onto Even’s mouth, and yes. This. Now. This is more like it.

He’s moving with every thrust trying to get the angle right, his hands grabbing handfuls of Even’s hair, his mouth licking and sucking and kissing and tasting and whilst his mind is getting smothered in fog.

Because he can’t think anymore. The world just disappears. His vision is black. Black and ethereal and covered in stars.

Because he comes. He comes with Even shouting into his mouth and his hands spasming in a vice like grip around the hair on Even’s head and he roars. Roars into thin air.

There are a million things he needs to say. Yet he can’t say a thing.

 

He just slumps over Even’s body, whilst his softening cock slowly slides out of the man underneath him.

Even who can’t feel his legs anymore, all pins and needles as he lets his limbs fall back onto the bed.

 

That. That was fucking unreal. He just pants. Totally out of breath. In awe. Oh hell.

 

‘’I thought I was supposed to fuck you.’’ He whispers into Isak’s ear whilst his arms kind of come back to life and he wraps them around Isak’s back.

‘’Funny that.’’ Isak whispers back. ‘’I thought so too. Got carried away with you. So bloody sexy.’’

Even just giggles. Wraps his arms tighter around the dead weight on top of him.

‘’Give me a few minutes and I will rectify that’’ He whispers into Isak’s neck.

And Isak’s hands loosen their grip on his hair, the fingers softly twirling through the soft strands of hair.

‘’We have the rest of our lives.’’ Isak says softly. ‘’But we are definitely doing this again.’’

‘’Hell yes’’ Even pants and pushes Isak off him. ‘’You weigh a bloody ton baby’’

 

Isak just lies there on the bed, on his back with his arms out like a stick insect snow angel again, as Even get’s up and rumbles around in the bathroom, bringing back a glass of tap water that Isak gulps down in one go.

 

‘’Need to go check on Noora.’’ He pants out, getting up. He’s not quite steady on his legs. Wobbling over to the bathroom.

‘’I still have your dressing gown upstairs’’ Even laughs. ‘’Sorry’’

‘’S’okay. Got a new onesie to use now’’ Isak laughs and zips his bag open.

‘’Love you in that onesie. Makes you all soft and snuggly.’’ Even giggles and throws himself back on the bed.

 

Isak closes the door behind him with a soft click, zipping the onesie up over his stomach as he tiptoes down the corridor. The kitchen area is deserted, the table bathed in the soft light from the fairy lights in the window.

They have done as they were told he giggles to himself. The table is wiped clean, and the chairs stacked neatly as they were. There are voices coming from Chris’s room, and laughter echoing softly through the corridor as Isak pushes down Noora’s door handle.

He hopes she is asleep, letting herself rest.

He hopes she will be better in the morning, back in her own surroundings. In her room full of calm and the books she loves and the inspirational quotes on her wall that she carefully pins to the wallpaper. Her body rested from a good night’s sleep.

He moves quietly through the hallway, letting his head just glance around the corner, so not to startle her should she be awake.

 

The bedside light is still on, just the way she needs it to be. She can’t stand the dark. The dark bringing the demons back to her head. In the light things are more peaceful and calm in her mind she always says.

She is still curled up in a ball, her back flush against the wall. Her breathing soft and steady, her hand held in William’s Hand.

He is lying next to her on the bed, his body angled around hers, like he is shielding her from the outside world.

And Isak think’s it’s beautiful. He shakes his head and smiles. He never used to be like this. All romantic and sappy and full of Christmas feelings and love and warmth.

 

It’s only been a few weeks. A handful of days. Yet his life has been turned on his head. Changed irrevocably. Things will never be the same again, he knows that now. He will never step back, never again feel like his life is worthless.

And he will try to be a better person. To see the people around him and maybe give something back instead of hiding. Because there are good people here. There are people who are kind. Giving and helpful.  


Isak has always had the mindset that the world is against him. That people are mean and thoughtless, and that he just wasn’t strong enough to be one of the people who mattered.

Yet now he thinks he was wrong. Maybe he mattered all along. Maybe it just took a stupid boy to fall in love with him to make him see it.

He closes Noora’s door carefully behind him and tiptoes back down the corridor to the safety of his own room. The warmth and the soft light from his own bedside table. The smells softly lingering in the air, scents of sweat and bodies and he thinks sex. This is what sex smells like. Which makes his cock start to swell with just the thoughts and memories rushing through his mind.

 

Because there he is. His Even. On his back with his arms slung over his head. His mouth half open and his eyes closed as his little snores echo through the silence.

His Even. His man. His boyfriend. The boy that loves him and who Isak loves more than anything in the whole world.

He let’s his onesie fall to the floor, and digs around in his bag for his sleep clothes. It’s a little bit cold and Even is sprawled on top of the duvet as usual. All arms and legs and hair and gorgeousness.

 

He needs his sleep. He needs to rest, because there are just so many things they need to do. Even has a party to pull off. Isak has his Genealogy paper to write.

They have a box full of condoms and lube.

And they have each other.

And for the first time Isak falls asleep thinking that things are looking pretty good. He is excited. Bring it on he thinks. Bring on the party. Kisses at midnight with the sky full of fireworks. Bring on sleeping here with Even in his arms. Every fucking night. Bring on sex. Bring on new friends and new beginnings.

Bring it on. Isak thinks. Then he doesn’t think anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again, I know I keep saying it, but it makes me insanely happy that people read my stories, and I squeal with joy every time someone comments to say just that, that it touched them in some way. Good or bad, if I made you laugh or cry or bang your head against the wall in frustration, then I have done good. So thank you for bearing with the good, bad and the ugly of this Christmas advent calendar.  
> It was only meant to be a one-shot, but hey, who was I kidding. Once these boys started messing around there was no stopping this fic. 
> 
> Elli_skam, thank you for letting me do this, and your art keeps amazing me. Thank you.  
> I wish you the merriest of Christmases, and have a peaceful relaxing romjula and Happy new 2018!!
> 
> I will be taking a little fic holiday until January when Little Harbour will come to an end and I will finish Infinity and then I have two Big Bang fic challenges so there will be lots more to read if you are up for it. And you know me. There will be this crazy idea in my head that just takes root where Even and Isak will scream to have another story. Sit tight. xxxx


End file.
